Back to writing after nearly ten years - be gentle!

[Stout chap]

Hello everybody. I used to post here and pen a few tales back in the day. Silly fantasy stories, really. This is something different I've been working on recently and would love to get some feedback on it.

Now that I'm older and have done all the things I like a fair few times, I feel as if I could write with a bit more authority on the things I like to do, without couching the sexiness in over-the-top fantasy prose like I used to. Now I just want to write personal accounts of the things I've done and the things that turn me on. It's my hope that others share my likes. I was never a literary genius then and I'm not now - my goal in writing these new submissions is simply to write something hot.

My submission is here. It's entirely about blowjobs and facials, and nothing else! The focus is very narrow, I know, but then so are my tastes. Still I think it keeps things brief. I would love to read some feedback if anyone has any. If there's enough interest I would like to turn this into a series of sorts. Again, I'm not looking to write a work of greatness, but if there's anything in here that's so awful it takes you completely out of the fantasy, please speak up!

Thanks in advance for anyone who responds.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

A good stroke story, I enjoyed it and can’t think why you’ve got no feedback. Anyway, here’s my 2¢, for what it’s worth.

"I hope you're ready for your birthday," she wrote; "for now, just imagine me on. . .”

I think the dialogue tag disrupts the flow and is better at the start and even so, your dialogue punctuation’s a bit off. No ‘;’ but a full stop and capital F for new sentence.

I would suggest;

She wrote, “I hope you're ready for your birthday. For now, just imagine me on. . .”

You’re writing an intense 1st person POV and the tension/emotion is lost if you start talking to the reader. This

Yes, well, as you can probably guess

should be deleted.

That's enough to get me interested.

That was enough to get me interested. Clash of tenses.

I was in a furious mood. I think you mean ‘frenzied’.

It's not all about sex, you know.

Don’t talk to the readers.

I told her I'd go to the toilet. Sexy, eh? Well I was just about finished in the toilet (no mess, no smells, I had washed my hands and everything!)

Aargh! Never mind the ‘Sexy, eh?’ this just kills the erotic flow for me. Why not in the bathroom to wipe some cream off his pants? (keeps the cum theme). Please no fecal matter; it doesn't exist in erotica-land.

I can barely bring myself to describe it, but I will, just for you

Delete!

Well, actually I noticed the jug the moment she came in, but this way it's more of a surprise for the reader.

Are you writing stroke or stand-up comedy?

Sorry to sound so hard; the stroke of your story is good but you keep on losing the effect by playing to the gallery. The stuff about getting a clock is silly as was asking ‘me’ about French films and ‘your’ favourite way of cumming.

Your writing is fine but here you seem unsure if you want to produce an erotic stroke or a locker-room ‘You’ll never guess’ chat with the boys over a few beers. Both are fine by me; in fact I rather like the locker-room style as I feel I’m eavesdropping. The two don’t sit well together for me.

In summary, I think this would have worked better if 'you' had talked more to 'your lady' responding to her dirty talk directly rather than running a commentary.

I’ll go back and look at your old stuff and please write some more stroke fantasy.