Back for Round 2 and more feedback

[wolzard1]

Looking for feedback on a new story

So after all the great constructive criticism on my first story, I decided to try my hand at this again and looking to see how you guys like this one. Looking for any feedback I can get and hoping I've improved over the first story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/an-office-affair-ch-01-1

 

[8letters]

Too short. Things turn sexual too quickly. Him leaving a few nice comments seems a bit thin for a basis of a relationship. Just my opinion as I don't read EC stories unless someone is asking for feedback, so I can't say how it compares to a typical EC story.

 

[DreamCloud]

Too much description and not enough action. The first paragraph should pull the readers in and begin making them care about the main character. You spend a lot of time describing the trivial when you could have developed personality and motivation instead.

Example:
"Lunch?" Tom asked. Dale looked at him over his chest high cubical wall. He considered his stomach, which wasn't grumbling. Past lunches with Tom had lead to inane company gossip that was frankly boring.

"Not today, Tom. But thanks for asking," Dale replied. He smiled to let Tom know it wasn't personal, even though it was. Tom nodded and headed out alone. Dale relaxed as the rest of the office slowly emptied, leaving a peaceful silence in its place. Sometimes, being alone was more important than a greasy burger.


This is the "Show Don't Tell" principle. Think about describing actions and feelings as you write. Don't have Dale pick up his phone and scroll through emails, have his phone vibrate and an email come up. It is a simple change but is infinitely more appealing and much more relatable. It builds curiosity in the reader and that makes them turn the page and continue reading.

Of course, this is just my opinion. Probably worth about as much as you paid for it.