Babylonian poem

[KillerMuffin]

Regarding UR - no title

What you seek you will never find
For when the Gods created man,
They let death be his lot
Eternal life they withheld
Let your every day be full of joy
Love the child that holds your hand
Let your wife delight be in your embrace
For these alone are the concerns of humanity


Cool, huh?

 

[JUDO]

???

Say what?

 

[The Huntsman]

I like it...

Well, you've offered it here, so I guess you've offered it up for dissection?

At this point, the title is more appealing (alluring) than the poem. But don't think I say this from conceit - what I mean is that the poem deals with an incredible theme, something eternal if you will. I think with a little editing that this poem will shine.

"On which side of the river,
lie the ruins of Babel?
To the East,
the one that I love?"

Ihmara

I'll give some time for you to respond, but I'll be back to offer something constructive.

 

[The Huntsman]

What is "UR"? Someone's name?

"What you seek you will never find"
- I'm very positive about this line. It is clear, well-paced, *and* I assent to its philosophy. That philosophy, I perceive in this way: the most direct route, is the path of surrender (striveless seeking).
- consider, perhaps, using [not] in place of "never"?

"for when the [g]ods created man,"
- good line. I like the removal from our current era, the "antiquity" created, so to speak.

"death they gave to end his Day."
- the original line sounded over-used, in my opinion. I'm not suggesting that this is any better, just an idea. Discretion to the poet goes.

"Eternal life [] withheld - "
- what do you think of omitting "they"?

"Let [] every day [cap-size with] joy!"
- I invoke this nautical reference, from my conception of Eternity as a sea for the sailing.

"Love the child that holds your hand,
[revive] in the light of your wife's embrace;
these alone are the human concerns."


"Cool, huh?"
- yes.

Now, altogether, sing with me!

"What you seek you will not find,
for when the gods created man -
death they gave to end his Day.
Eternal life withheld.
Let every day cap-size with joy!
Love the child that holds your hand!
Revive in the light of your wife's embrace;
these alone are the human strengths."

Hope you don't mind.
Hope it is helpful.

Ihmara

 

[Fairytat]

Maybe it's just me

I got the sense that this isn't a poem written by KM so much as found. I could be mistaken of course but it sounds like a translation of ancient text. (I'm going off the Babylonian title she started with for this thread).

 

[Fairytat]

Re: What is "UR"? Someone's name?

Huntsman,

Like the revisions to the poem except for "cap-size." (Incidently, the word capsize isn't hyphenated). That just didn't make sense since usually the word is generally associated with bad things, like ships capsizing, etc. The very definition is "to become upset or overturned." Other then that, good job.

Fairytat

 

[The Huntsman]

hmmm

Critiquing a critique?
I really hadn't expect that.

I know that the word isn't hyphenated - call it "poetic" license, if you will. I added the hyphen-break to produce a slight pause, and to "open" my interpretation of the word (which I address below).

Capsize - my dictionary does not give me a word origin, and so I am foiled at this point. My best guess, from the physical "look" of the word, is that the word comes from the idea of "seizing the head." Topple the head, and the body turns over, topple the mast and the vessel capsizes. Or, it stems from roots entirely different. If someone could consult the Oxford English for the word-origin, we would be much better served than quibbling over hyphen-placement.

Again, this isn't my poem. Even so, I defend my suggestion of capsize. I believe it works well within the scope of the poem, in which the final act is the surrender of life to the seas (seize ) of Eternity.

I hope I have clarified - from my limited understanding.

Ihmara

 

[The Huntsman]

also...

I see a certain dismal glory in the death of today to insure the dawning of tomorrow.

Christ saw the sun rise because his sister Satan fell.

Do you really think capsize is inappropriately used, or are you responding to the lyric-quality of the word?

Ihmara

 

[Lauren Hynde]

posted by The Huntsman
What is "UR"? Someone's name?

Huntsman! Are you serious?


And until KM tells me otherwise, I'll agree with Fairytat when she says she got the sense that this isn't a poem written by KM, but found. It does sound like a translation of ancient text. That being the case, I think the nautical reference wouldn't be very appropriate (can't remember to people of Ur being known for they're nautical achievements at least)...

Eigther way, I like YOUR contemporary poem...

 

[The Huntsman]

Oh

Lauren, I'm absolutely serious....or was earlier today.

There is a big difference between the Lost City of Ur, home of Abra-ham, and the posted "UR."
Granted, I should have made the association with Babylonia typed so near, but I didn't. Forgive me.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Whooops. I found that while surfing for something that said exactly that for a book I'm writing. I didn't have time to actually do much with it at the time, so I C'n P'ed it here without preamble.

It's an ancient poem from Babylon, or so they say, but it's a part of Gilgamesh. That's a direct translation of it, there was no one listed as translator and the Babylonian guy, a Sumerian I think, wasn't listed either.

I've been looking for that information but I can't find anything on it. I have to wait until I can get to the library again and read it.

I didn't write it. I just thought it was cool since it is the oldest recorded poem.

Huntsman, the Ur mentioned is Abraham's Ur. It's the only Ur there was in ancient Sumeria.

I should also add that you can always tell my poetry cause IT SUCKS!

 

[Guest]

I'd rather read almost anything before friggin Gilgamesh.

They try to tell you that because there is a flood in Gilgamesh, it makes the flood in the Bible true, when what it does is make the flood in the Bible theft.

 

[REDWAVE]

Babylonian babbling

She went to Babylonia,
She found a little poem there,
Queen Muff, Muff
Funky Muff

Ah, the ancient, festering city of Ur. In a previous life I remember being fed grapes and olives by naked oiled slave girls, as I carved sensual poems into cuneiform tablets. She told me my horoscope for the day, then we played a game of backgammon to determine who would go down on whom . . .

Shouldn't that be "wife's delight," KM?

"Christ saw the sun rise because his sister Satan fell"?-- Dude, that's totally whacked out! I love it! Please elaborate.

Neat poem, although I don't entirely agree with its message. What you seek you shall never find-- that's true, only if you seek the unfindable. We created the Gods, not the other way around. Death is a major pain in the ass. What might be even more frightening (and rapidly becoming technologically possible) is if we could evade death, and perpetuate ourselves as individuals forever, or at least for a much longer time. (Of course, at first, this would be available only to the very rich, who would want to keep it for themselves . . .)

"For these alone are the concerns of humanity"-- No, to be fully human is to have broader and wider concerns than just personal happiness.

I would add more, but this big ass flood is about to engulf me and I've got to get out to the ark . . . Damn, where's those two marmosets? . . .

 

[dreamangel_4980]

nice poem and after all not to be fuly hhuman is a GOOD thing...we should all embrace the side of us that longs for fantasy.... i long to hear and know more...