B.D.S.M. Best Damn Sex for Months.

[Cause n effect]

My Partner and I have recently submitted our very first joint effort together, and would appreciate any feedback you could give. It's also our first attempt at writiing a BDSM tale, so when it came out today we were both nervous as to how it will be viewed. We're considering making it into a book, but we've decided to wait for the responses here just to see if they are more positive than negative.

Thanks for any feedback you care to give.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=153952

There's the link, and thanks again.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Sorry, but the story was just too hokey for me. I mean, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but he just happens to meet a beautiful homeless model on a park bench, takes her home, and she begs him to take her to bed. Very unlikely. She tells him how she doesn’t like to make decisisons, but then she’s the one who seduces him and when they get into bed she immediately takes charge and ends up fucking this stranger like a wild woman. She seems to be the one who takes charge of all their sexual activities, and yet she’s supposed to be a sub? It was too unbelievable for me.

I see you’ve gotten some good comments, so maybe you should just take my opinions with a big dose of salt, but I just found it terribly contrived. People just don’t act or talk like that (“Would you care for a libation? You’ve had a long day and I’m sure you are in need of some relaxation.”) I mean, this is Literotica, and we deal in fantasy here, but even our fantasies need to be at least plausible.

People do make casual pick-ups, and do go to bed together, and what makes a story interesting is in seeing just how they go about managing to do that in a believable way. It’s a writer’s job to show us how this happens in a way that seems realistic and consistent with what we know about human nature. In this story it just happens without rhyme or reason.

Your writing is fine, but I think you need to give more thought to the dynamics between these people and realize that you can’t just have your characters do whatever you want them to do whenever you want them to do it. You’ve got to supply some understandable motivation and try to figure out just how people really behave in these kinds of situations. It was just too implausible for me.

---dr.M.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

I have to agree with the doc here. The story was very well written, but there was nothing about the characters that made me want to know what was going to happen. Even though the girl was supposed to be a sub, she didn't really seem to act like one. She was leading Carl through the entire story. If it weren't for the two spanking/flogging scenes and her calling him Master, this story would be a better fit in the erotic couplings category.

You've got a good talent for writing, but these characters need more development.

 

[Couture]

Sorry, but the story was just too hokey for me. I mean, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but he just happens to meet a beautiful homeless model on a park bench, takes her home, and she begs him to take her to bed.---dr.M.

Would you believe this very thing happened to me yesterday. She was unshaved and filthy, bad teeth, smelled of urine and cigarettes...

I took her home and she cleaned up real nice. She then seduced me and convinced me into allowing her to tie me up. She spanked me, stole my money, my clothes....and my IPod! Bitch!

She left me there, tied, naked and helpless. She was something else. What a woman!