Auto-autopsy: Bondage Sonnet 1

[dr_mabeuse]

Rather than critiquing anyone else's poem, I think it's only fair I look at one of my own:

This is called "Bondage Sonnet 1". I've divided it into quatrains and final couplet:

I do not know what holds you to me.
Ties of mere love seem somehow too thin.
Perhaps the slight of black on white skin.
Ropes which both tie us and set us free.

I only know the sight of thee
Arranged for me without pretense,
Invokes in me such feelings intense
That I must take you, passionately.

You surrender yourself so utterly.
What else could you give that means so much?
You yearn and ache for my trembling touch
Your body and heart given willingly.

But these are just symbols, these are just games.
Trust, Love, Desire are stronger than chains.


Dirst thing I notice is that the author's penned a "sonnet"Oh, isn't that dear? What a pompous asshole. He's showing off for us.
This had better be good.

Now I notice that the poem doesn't make me feel anything much. It's very didactic., there's not much in the way of imagery aside from the "black on white skin", whose meaning is not clear. Is the author black? Is he talking about black clothing? His mood? In any case, it's a very essay-like poem. Boring.

Now I suppress the urge to wince at such cliched "poetic" constructions as "feelings intense" and the use of the archaic "thee", obviously done for the sake of rhyme since the poet seems to live in the current century. "Trembling touch" makes me gag. There surely exists a truer adjective than "trembling". Or do I have palsy? How could I have let this slip through?

Now I notice that the rhyme scheme itself is of the abba form, rather than abab. Okay; I can live with that. But look what happens in the last quatrain: it rhymes with the previous one, which blurs the clarity of the sonnet form, and everything seems to melt.

The last couplet doesn't sound true to me. It sounds like a cliche that rhymed too well to ignore, but it doesn't feel real to me. It's somehow trite. And why did I have to capitalize "Love Trust & Desire"?

Now let's talk to the poet. Dr Mabeuse?
'Yes, well, I originally wanted to write a terribly passionate poem because the idea of bondage is terribly exciting to me. I wanted it to be extremely not and erotic to make readers squirm as they saw the woman bound and waiting for her loverm willing to give everything she had for his pleasure. I wanted to convery the naked trust and love that must exist between two people in this type of relationship and show that, far from being a matter of cruelty, my idea of bondage is a ritual expression of the depth of love between the two. But I wanted to express it is terms of
poetic sensuality. I wanted it to drip with sex & love."

Seen in that light, the poem is a failure. It's anything but sensual. It's very dry and cerebral. What happened?
"I think it was the problem of working in rhyme. For me, rhyming means heavy editing and rewriting, and in so doing I lost the passion."

By the way, the rhymes aren't bad. They're not all that contrived, where you can tell that the poet sacrificed what he was trying to say in order to find a rhyme. And there are non of those embarrassments where you can just picture the author poring over his rhyming dictionary and settling for something that isn't what he wanted to say.

But why didn't I write in non-rhyming verse?

The fact is, I've pretty much lost my original poetic voice, and so I have to work with rhymes as a means of giving some structure to what I write. I long for the days when I had such natural music in my language that rhymes were superfluous and I am struggling to get it back, but I'm afraid it might be gone for good.

By the way, I urge you to overlook my entrance into the group. I do like to make an entrance, cape flowing, and kick over the potted palms and make the ladies shreik, but I am really not a bad person. I just wanted to stir things up.
I come from a group where everyone just adored whatever anyone wrote, and it finally made me nauseous. I wanted to get to a place where people cared enough to be critical and--more important--would stand by what they thought was good.
Truth be told, I only read maybe four poems on this site. It's true that the ones I read were not that good, but I had no business branding all the poetry here as bad. I just wanted to see who was serious here. I'd like to see some good ones.

And I can take it as well as dish it out. I would be honored and flattered for ciriticism and suggestions on this or anything I write.

Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

 

[_Land]

Well I would give this a 5, Poetry is about expression, this board is about expression, feel free to express yourself. Dont however expect us to warm up to you when you treat those of us here who actually are aspiring to be poets or writers like shit. Your sonnett, which i doubt you wrote sucks shit. You have pointed that out youself. If you want to write and comment on poetry then do so........... but dont be such a pompous ass. Oh yeah and remember the golden rule always applies. So be careful what you dish out......... because your shit need serious help.


Regards _Land

Rather than critiquing anyone else's poem, I think it's only fair I look at one of my own:

This is called "Bondage Sonnet 1". I've divided it into quatrains and final couplet:

I do not know what holds you to me.
Ties of mere love seem somehow too thin.
Perhaps the slight of black on white skin.
Ropes which both tie us and set us free.

I only know the sight of thee
Arranged for me without pretense,
Invokes in me such feelings intense
That I must take you, passionately.

You surrender yourself so utterly.
What else could you give that means so much?
You yearn and ache for my trembling touch
Your body and heart given willingly.

But these are just symbols, these are just games.
Trust, Love, Desire are stronger than chains.


Dirst thing I notice is that the author's penned a "sonnet"Oh, isn't that dear? What a pompous asshole. He's showing off for us.
This had better be good.

Now I notice that the poem doesn't make me feel anything much. It's very didactic., there's not much in the way of imagery aside from the "black on white skin", whose meaning is not clear. Is the author black? Is he talking about black clothing? His mood? In any case, it's a very essay-like poem. Boring.

Now I suppress the urge to wince at such cliched "poetic" constructions as "feelings intense" and the use of the archaic "thee", obviously done for the sake of rhyme since the poet seems to live in the current century. "Trembling touch" makes me gag. There surely exists a truer adjective than "trembling". Or do I have palsy? How could I have let this slip through?

Now I notice that the rhyme scheme itself is of the abba form, rather than abab. Okay; I can live with that. But look what happens in the last quatrain: it rhymes with the previous one, which blurs the clarity of the sonnet form, and everything seems to melt.

The last couplet doesn't sound true to me. It sounds like a cliche that rhymed too well to ignore, but it doesn't feel real to me. It's somehow trite. And why did I have to capitalize "Love Trust & Desire"?

Now let's talk to the poet. Dr Mabeuse?
'Yes, well, I originally wanted to write a terribly passionate poem because the idea of bondage is terribly exciting to me. I wanted it to be extremely not and erotic to make readers squirm as they saw the woman bound and waiting for her loverm willing to give everything she had for his pleasure. I wanted to convery the naked trust and love that must exist between two people in this type of relationship and show that, far from being a matter of cruelty, my idea of bondage is a ritual expression of the depth of love between the two. But I wanted to express it is terms of
poetic sensuality. I wanted it to drip with sex & love."

Seen in that light, the poem is a failure. It's anything but sensual. It's very dry and cerebral. What happened?
"I think it was the problem of working in rhyme. For me, rhyming means heavy editing and rewriting, and in so doing I lost the passion."

By the way, the rhymes aren't bad. They're not all that contrived, where you can tell that the poet sacrificed what he was trying to say in order to find a rhyme. And there are non of those embarrassments where you can just picture the author poring over his rhyming dictionary and settling for something that isn't what he wanted to say.

But why didn't I write in non-rhyming verse?

The fact is, I've pretty much lost my original poetic voice, and so I have to work with rhymes as a means of giving some structure to what I write. I long for the days when I had such natural music in my language that rhymes were superfluous and I am struggling to get it back, but I'm afraid it might be gone for good.

By the way, I urge you to overlook my entrance into the group. I do like to make an entrance, cape flowing, and kick over the potted palms and make the ladies shreik, but I am really not a bad person. I just wanted to stir things up.
I come from a group where everyone just adored whatever anyone wrote, and it finally made me nauseous. I wanted to get to a place where people cared enough to be critical and--more important--would stand by what they thought was good.
Truth be told, I only read maybe four poems on this site. It's true that the ones I read were not that good, but I had no business branding all the poetry here as bad. I just wanted to see who was serious here. I'd like to see some good ones.

And I can take it as well as dish it out. I would be honored and flattered for ciriticism and suggestions on this or anything I write.

Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

 

[Rybka]

Re: Re: Auto-autopsy: Bondage Sonnet 1

Well I would give this a 5, Poetry is about expression, this board is about expression, feel free to express yourself. Dont however expect us to warm up to you when you treat those of us here who actually are aspiring to be poets or writers like shit. Your sonnett, which i doubt you wrote sucks shit. You have pointed that out youself. If you want to write and comment on poetry then do so........... but dont be such a pompous ass. Oh yeah and remember the golden rule always applies. So be careful what you dish out......... because your shit need serious help.


Regards _Land

Don't be so harsh on the good doctor, _Land. His presence and insightful comments have inspired me. My little acknowledgement should be posted tomorrow.

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[WickedEve]

By the way, I urge you to overlook my entrance into the group. I do like to make an entrance, cape flowing, and kick over the potted palms and make the ladies shreik, but I am really not a bad person. I just wanted to stir things up.

The group was sitting quietly in a circle, trying desperately to think of a rhyme for cat, when in he burst, cape sweeping behind him like a broom... yeah, a broom, because that's what brooms do. He kicked over our potted plants (we're not sure where the plants came from) causing the women and Land to shriek. My god, land, I didn't know you could scream like that! Way to go!
Anyway, The Doctor swooped down and snatched up Rybka. He dragged him away to another thread. We all shrieked again! Rybka flipped us off for not trying harder to save him. We found out later that The Doctor tied Rybka up with his Bondage Sonnet and forced him to submit to reading it.

Uh... I meant to say, Welcome to the board, doc!

 

[Rybka]

Re: Avatars

Hey WE, and all the rest of you Witchy Bitchy Poeteases! Are we all supposed to dress up our AVs as cartoon characters for Halloween?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[_Land]

LMAO, WE I just have no tolerance for buffoons lately...I usually am nice, but with my personal situation................. and finding a place that is serious about poetry, and helping others learn I tend to be a little cranky lately....go figure. Welcome to the board Dr, my mostest humbled apology..................... why dont you feel free to attack my poetry............. start with skipping stone, then do Elda Smut Slut for refresher..................... and when your ready for some serious critique why dont you read my Retrospect poem followed by A friend Lost.............. but oh wait Im not a serious poet so maybee you shoud try some of Oxalis' poems His are fantastic!



seriously try a different approach we might warm up a bit, if this had been in summer we might have even just ignored you.........but as its fall we need a little anger to warm us up.


Regards _Land

The group was sitting quietly in a circle, trying desperately to think of a rhyme for cat, when in he burst, cape sweeping behind him like a broom... yeah, a broom, because that's what brooms do. He kicked over our potted plants (we're not sure where the plants came from) causing the women and Land to shriek. My god, land, I didn't know you could scream like that! Way to go!
Anyway, The Doctor swooped down and snatched up Rybka. He dragged him away to another thread. We all shrieked again! Rybka flipped us off for not trying harder to save him. We found out later that The Doctor tied Rybka up with his Bondage Sonnet and forced him to submit to reading it.

Uh... I meant to say, Welcome to the board, doc!

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: Avatars

Yes Ryb its Cartoon month at LIT

Hey WE, and all the rest of you Witchy Bitchy Poeteases! Are we all supposed to dress up our AVs as cartoon characters for Halloween?

Regards,                       Rybka

 

[Zhuk]

My dear _Land

This board has always wanted a full time critic of our own for such a long time. Now that we have got one, please please dont frighten him away. Make him feel at home.

Everyone has his or her own style of communicating with other people.

ps: I hope your personal situation gets better, I know it will get better


Regards

Zhuk

LMAO, WE I just have no tolerance for buffoons lately...I usually am nice, but with my personal situation................. and finding a place that is serious about poetry, and helping others learn I tend to be a little cranky lately....go figure. Welcome to the board Dr, my mostest humbled apology..................... why dont you feel free to attack my poetry............. start with skipping stone, then do Elda Smut Slut for refresher..................... and when your ready for some serious critique why dont you read my Retrospect poem followed by A friend Lost.............. but oh wait Im not a serious poet so maybee you shoud try some of Oxalis' poems His are fantastic!



seriously try a different approach we might warm up a bit, if this had been in summer we might have even just ignored you.........but as its fall we need a little anger to warm us up.


Regards _Land

 

[Angeline]

Hey OT? Ya Listening?

A doctor from another site
came in and to no one's delight
did condescendingly speak
making womenfolk shriek
and poor _Land mad enough to bite!

Welcome to the poetry board dr.

We're pretty casual here, though we do take our poems seriously. You'll find too that we try to give detailed feedback here. Tomorrow will be a better day.

 

[OT]

Re: Hey OT? Ya Listening?

tonight before going to bed
I checked for news on the thread
written by Angeline
about a doctor mean
I found a limerick instead


Are limericks poetry?

 

[Angeline]

Limericks

It seems to me just about everything is poetry anymore. Unless my mother says it. Then it's nagging.

 

[karmadog]

talking too much, but...

I wanted it to be extremely not and erotic

I don't know about sonnets, but that line is poetry!

(Welcome, doc. All kinds a shit happens when I'm gone. I think I should go away more often.)

 

[Angeline]

Extremely Not

When I am not
I am extremely so
For I have got a
je ne sais quois
that makes me feel
so oh you know yes
and no and vaguely
cool and hip like a
graduate of the miles
davis school of blee
bop blip oh wait no
that was Basie fool
at Newport 58 when
Prez said I aways
played my nuts off
for them and Jo was
flyin on the high hat
50's band take that
from the lost generation
nobody ever went there
again and I'm so tired of
here and here and here.

Again.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Angeline

But you know Basie came
Our of the long orange skies of that Kansas city plain
Where they jumped all night in the rolling raw-house great-plains
bleak-sticks
And the called him Prez you know
because he was too sleepy to be king
Just laid back and said these woofy who-cares take-that so-what things
Out the side of his mouth.
They called him pork pie too for his hat
And ain't no one worn it since.


---dr.M.

 

[Angeline]

Basie Histoire Dottore

Basie did the Jersey Bounce
a Red Bank boy stranded
in Pendergastville when the
Gonzelle White Band broke
and he was ill baby no
joke left behind with only
Piney Brown to bring his
que down to the sick and
wasn't no stick then no Papa
you dig? Basie had to get a
gig at the Eblon on the ivory
which he learned from Fats
you know thats too, smart
guy? In NYC, the feets too
big mean to me taught Bill
so in KC he mixed it up with
Devils, blue to be exact, and
made a 4/4 all American rhythm
machine ain't nobody seen the
likes of since with Bigun and
Sampson and Grounhog, too
and where you think they got
those names? You wanna ejicate
me on that deal, bou? It was
Prez, yeah baby, Prez who got
the name in KC true though
many thought it came from
Lady. Prez? Yeah cool invented
it though he'd hate the idea
there was a school of jazz that
came from him and doof or no
there's things goin on up there
man and he was a quiet genius
you got that and no one can ever
be like that again just so but do
not ever no never assume bo that
you are the only only one to know.

 

[_Land]

Re: Extremely Not

Extremely hot
my angeline dear
one thought
but never fear

Dr. came
proficiently spouting
something lame
causing shouting

opinionated hussy
one old title
for mR dR
and his recital

Welcome one
Welcome all
have some fun
Have a ball

but be polite
not contrite
or respite
will bite

you in the ass

When I am not
I am extremely so
For I have got a
je ne sais quois
that makes me feel
so oh you know yes
and no and vaguely
cool and hip like a
graduate of the miles
davis school of blee
bop blip oh wait no
that was Basie fool
at Newport 58 when
Prez said I aways
played my nuts off
for them and Jo was
flyin on the high hat
50's band take that
from the lost generation
nobody ever went there
again and I'm so tired of
here and here and here.

Again.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Plink; Plink Plink.

Argh! Oh silly villains with knives in your hair!
Do you always see lectures in something to share?
Stab my blank ass if it makes you feel good
Whip me down dumb with your would and your should
Then sit you back down in your poet's sewing circle
I'll go and find a new place I can percol
Ate some sort of passion or some kind of madness
About poetry's heat and poetry's badness
And Angeline, really, you love Prez it's true
But what makes you think he was playing just for you?

I come from Chicago. It's a poetry town
You stand up, hang it out, read your stuff or sit down.
If you can't take the heat they don't want you around.
They call them "Slams" and that's meant as a hint
That you've got to have muscle. Poetry ain't made by wimps.

But screw it all. This is just crap that I'm writing
And I'll be sick of talking when you're sick of biting.

 

[_Land]

Re: Plink; Plink Plink.

Dr, maybee use a little tact
then we might make a pact
not to give you so much shit
you wont have to throw a fit
but lets not be polite, but frank
no one here is going to thank
an obvious big headed ass
though sometimes we let it pass
If indeed you like to slam
meek and mild is this shazamm
understand appreciate
We mostly love and never hate
Expressive art our true desire
so dont go pouring water on our fire
The situations not that dire
and no you dont need to retire
learn to play the game by those
unwritten rules, that none compose
try your best to understand
this is a newbie reprimand
nothing more nothing less
now your ignorance please confess
playing with others takes some skill
You dont go in for immediate kill
please be kind before you unwind
most of us here are indeed refined
serious about the learning process
though often taking time for recess
a playfull lot, us literotica regulars


Have fun but play nice

_Land

Argh! Oh silly villains with knives in your hair!
Do you always see lectures in something to share?
Stab my blank ass if it makes you feel good
Whip me down dumb with your would and your should
Then sit you back down in your poet's sewing circle
I'll go and find a new place I can percol
Ate some sort of passion or some kind of madness
About poetry's heat and poetry's badness
And Angeline, really, you love Prez it's true
But what makes you think he was playing just for you?

I come from Chicago. It's a poetry town
You stand up, hang it out, read your stuff or sit down.
If you can't take the heat they don't want you around.
They call them "Slams" and that's meant as a hint
That you've got to have muscle. Poetry ain't made by wimps.

But screw it all. This is just crap that I'm writing
And I'll be sick of talking when you're sick of biting.

 

[Angeline]

Ok.

Dear Dr.

Here is some info for you.

Poetry as a genre was invented before "slams." Neither Chaucer, nor Shakespeare nor Blake, nor Milton, nor Arnold, nor Goerthe, nor Browning, nor Wilde, nor Yeats, nor Parker, nor Kerouac, nor Berrigan ever participated in "slams," but I imagine they could slam a few asses straight off the stage without much trying.

Some people prefer talking to slamming.

Some of them even know what sonnets are.

And, shocking though this be, some of us who are sonnet knowers are even women.

Perhaps when you are ready to talk and not slam you'll get better reactions.

If you think anything other than your approach cannot constitute "poetry," then yes I think you should find a place better suited to your style. Maybe a boxing ring.

And I come from New York City. We've heard of poetry there, too. But then I can accept that even some yokel from say Nowhereassville Stratford-on-Avon might know a few things about poems. Can you?


And by the way, why would you think that the point of my poem is that I believe Prez played only for me? He died in 1959, you know.Or maybe you meant to be figurative? Metaphorical? I still don't understand.

 

[_Land]

Re: Ok.

Isnt a sonnet the male version of bonnet? lmao

Dear Dr.

Here is some info for you.

Poetry as a genre was invented before "slams." Neither Chaucer, nor Shakespeare nor Blake, nor Milton, nor Arnold, nor Goerthe, nor Browning, nor Wilde, nor Yeats, nor Parker, nor Kerouac, nor Berrigan ever participated in "slams," but I imagine they could slam a few asses straight off the stage without much trying.

Some people prefer talking to slamming.

Some of them even know what sonnets are.

And, shocking though this be, some of us who are sonnet knowers are even women.

Perhaps when you are ready to talk and not slam you'll get better reactions.

If you think anything other than your approach cannot constitute "poetry," then yes I think you should find a place better suited to your style. Maybe a boxing ring.

And I come from New York City. We've heard of poetry there, too. But then I can accept that even some yokel from say Nowhereassville Stratford-on-Avon might know a few things about poems. Can you?


And by the way, why would you think that the point of my poem is that I believe Prez played only for me? He died in 1959, you know.Or maybe you meant to be figurative? Metaphorical? I still don't understand.

 

[HomerPindar]

Normally anyone with an ego this annoying is skipped over by me, but someone made mention to check this out.... let's just say I'm in a mood.

Rather than critiquing anyone else's poem, I think it's only fair I look at one of my own:

Says who? The ability to criticize poetry would demonstrate knowledge of the subject and tact in communication skills. Having read ahead, I'll hazard the guess you have little to none of both, and as such you thought to avoid bringing attention to that fact.

This is called "Bondage Sonnet 1". I've divided it into quatrains and final couplet:

I do not know what holds you to me.
Ties of mere love seem somehow too thin.
Perhaps the slight of black on white skin.
Ropes which both tie us and set us free.

I only know the sight of thee
Arranged for me without pretense,
Invokes in me such feelings intense
That I must take you, passionately.

You surrender yourself so utterly.
What else could you give that means so much?
You yearn and ache for my trembling touch
Your body and heart given willingly.

But these are just symbols, these are just games.
Trust, Love, Desire are stronger than chains.

I believe _Land summed up a response to this nicely in the words, and I quote, "Your sonnett...sucks shit." But, while I agree, I don't think opinion is a proper rebuttal. In this case, I refer to your own suggestion as to what makes poetry ~ something true, something original and something lyrical. In reverse order: The rhythm breaks up mid-way in the mid-stanza and stumbles, at best, throughout the rest. This is notable in the rhyming scheme, or semi-scheme. Having a number of lines rhyme until running out of words that work is Skeltonic, and not really fitting for sonnet rhythm. If there is something new in this for you, great. I don't see it. Same for truth. Both are fairly individual in relation to anothers text.

Dirst thing I notice is that the author's penned a "sonnet"Oh, isn't that dear? What a pompous asshole. He's showing off for us.
This had better be good.

"Dirst"? Note, get a spell checker. Learn to type. Proof-read.
Second, is there a point to this? Sonnets are not a sign of showing off. Nor are sonnets indicative of pompous assholes, but in this case I'll make an exception.

Now I notice that the poem doesn't make me feel anything much. It's very didactic., there's not much in the way of imagery aside from the "black on white skin", whose meaning is not clear. Is the author black? Is he talking about black clothing? His mood? In any case, it's a very essay-like poem. Boring.

Are you suggesting that you suffer from multi-personality here? You claim to have wrote this, point out what you are working on with it, and where you would like to take it. Talking about it like it's alien to you is like talking about yourself in the third person. Annoying, pointless, and distracting.

Now I suppress the urge to wince at such cliched "poetic" constructions as "feelings intense" and the use of the archaic "thee", obviously done for the sake of rhyme since the poet seems to live in the current century. "Trembling touch" makes me gag. There surely exists a truer adjective than "trembling". Or do I have palsy? How could I have let this slip through?

If you can ask, why ask? Make the changes. These are not hard words to work with, "trembling" and "thee" in this case. My suggestion here, learn to edit. Perhaps add that to the "type, proof-read, and spell checker" list. Editing isn't just a matter of fixing typos, it's where the crafting of words goes the art of poetry. Hell, even you noted that slapping down words doesn't make poetry, so learn to edit.

Now I notice that the rhyme scheme itself is of the abba form, rather than abab. Okay; I can live with that. But look what happens in the last quatrain: it rhymes with the previous one, which blurs the clarity of the sonnet form, and everything seems to melt.

Do you listen to yourself on recordings as well? I can only imagine, after wasting your time typing this paragraph, that you took some for of enjoyment over reading your own words before you.
But, gee, thanks for pointing out just how badly your rhyming really was, because I mistook that last sound "free" and "thee" AND "passionately" and "utterly" as lame ass attempts at Skeltonic. Gee, what a relief you know what a rhyming scheme is. Some quality would be noted if by not relying on the "ly" for your "ee" sound, go back two syllables and emphisis the scheme.

The last couplet doesn't sound true to me. It sounds like a cliche that rhymed too well to ignore, but it doesn't feel real to me. It's somehow trite. And why did I have to capitalize "Love Trust & Desire"?

I hope this isn't the sort of thing that keeps you awake at night, "My GAWDS! Why did I capitalize! What was I thinking by actually using cliches, like no one would notice." How's the ceiling over your bed? Interesting?

Now let's talk to the poet. Dr Mabeuse?
'Yes, well, I originally wanted to write a terribly passionate poem because the idea of bondage is terribly exciting to me. I wanted it to be extremely not and erotic to make readers squirm as they saw the woman bound and waiting for her loverm willing to give everything she had for his pleasure. I wanted to convery the naked trust and love that must exist between two people in this type of relationship and show that, far from being a matter of cruelty, my idea of bondage is a ritual expression of the depth of love between the two. But I wanted to express it is terms of
poetic sensuality. I wanted it to drip with sex & love."

doc, heal thyself

Seen in that light, the poem is a failure. It's anything but sensual. It's very dry and cerebral. What happened?
"I think it was the problem of working in rhyme. For me, rhyming means heavy editing and rewriting, and in so doing I lost the passion."

Since when does poetry have to rhyme? Although, I don't see the rest of the content doing much for me either, but, I will be fair on this point, I'm not into bondage.

By the way, the rhymes aren't bad. They're not all that contrived, where you can tell that the poet sacrificed what he was trying to say in order to find a rhyme. And there are non of those embarrassments where you can just picture the author poring over his rhyming dictionary and settling for something that isn't what he wanted to say.

But why didn't I write in non-rhyming verse?

No, the question is, why did you write so much crap ON TOP OF writing this poem? I mean, writing bad poetry is fine, being bad at communicating transcends poetry to insult the person... No, I am not going to believe that bad communication skills can be made to transcend poetry. It might be made INTO poetry.... oh bugger it, enough of your self-involved rambling here. At this time, a point by point response is too much.

The fact is, I've pretty much lost my original poetic voice, and so I have to work with rhymes as a means of giving some structure to what I write. I long for the days when I had such natural music in my language that rhymes were superfluous and I am struggling to get it back, but I'm afraid it might be gone for good.

Hold on! Reread this: "The fact is, I've pretty much lost my original poetic voice." THAT'S A DAMN GOOD LINE TO WORK WITH! PLEASE, start there, and work! Damnit, this aint suppose to be easy!

By the way, I urge you to overlook my entrance into the group. I do like to make an entrance, cape flowing, and kick over the potted palms and make the ladies shreik, but I am really not a bad person. I just wanted to stir things up.
I come from a group where everyone just adored whatever anyone wrote, and it finally made me nauseous. I wanted to get to a place where people cared enough to be critical and--more important--would stand by what they thought was good.
Truth be told, I only read maybe four poems on this site. It's true that the ones I read were not that good, but I had no business branding all the poetry here as bad. I just wanted to see who was serious here. I'd like to see some good ones.

1. TOO LATE. 2. If you wanted you "entrance" overlooked, you might want to reconsider this thread. 3. If you do like to make such an entrance, don't appologize for it, but please, be good at it. 4. As this will likely be my last post directly to you for some time, consider it successful "stir". 5. You only read four poems and you post about bad poetry? FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, go do your homework, jackass. 6. Am I serious enough for you yet? Don't answer for while you clearly long for response, I can live without yours.

And I can take it as well as dish it out. I would be honored and flattered for ciriticism and suggestions on this or anything I write.

Your humble servant,

---dr.M.

Here, your ability to "dish it out" has been demonstratably lacking. Should you happen to feel "honored," or "flattered" ... well then, darn shucks, I screwed up.

Humble? You said humble? Add, "get a dictionary" to that list of suggestions.


Now, for those more familiar with my post, I now return you to your normal forums experience.

HomerPindar

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Okay

Yes, but what did you /really/ think of it?



---Pompous Asshole