Author seeking feedback on new story

[Iamcanadian28]

I just posted one of my first few stories and I'm seeking feedback on it. It's posted under erotic couplings and I have received commens that perhaps BDSM would have been a better category to post it under. I'm seeking opinions on what category to post it under and general feedback on what people think of the story. Any feedback good or bad would be very much appreciated. It's called Cold Hard Steel. Their is a link in my sig line.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

EC is fine for that. It could go in BDSM but it lacks the aspects that would require it to go there (any but the most sensetive personalities would be put off).

My first reaction was that the story is too short, however you managed to fit characterisation into the space used. Still, it's hard to make a story that too long and it would be nice to find out what happens afterward.

Grammar's good. Spelling looks good.

Overall it's not a bad story (actually it's quite well written) but it lacks the substance needed to be a great story.

 

[Corylea]

I didn't think it needed to be in BDSM -- this is a revenge story, not BDSM.

I loved the twist at the end. The story is short enough that the twist is pretty much the entire point, and I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with that, but it does make it sort of a gimmick story, which means that it's hard to say much about characterization or plot. Did the gimmick work? Yep, very well.

I personally like somewhat fewer adjectives per noun, but I suppose that's mostly a matter of taste. For example, we have "ample cleavage," "sultry brown eyes," "tight, sloppy wet pussy," and "cold hard steel." Her skin is "supple," her breasts are "full." None of these is bad all by itself, but the combination of all of them jerks me out of the story and makes me notice the plethora of adjectives. I'm not saying don't describe anything, but I think if you were slightly more restrained in the amount of description, your story would stand out more from the morass of adjectives.

Fun story!

 

[Iamcanadian28]

EC is fine for that. It could go in BDSM but it lacks the aspects that would require it to go there (any but the most sensetive personalities would be put off).

My first reaction was that the story is too short, however you managed to fit characterisation into the space used. Still, it's hard to make a story that too long and it would be nice to find out what happens afterward.

Grammar's good. Spelling looks good.

Overall it's not a bad story (actually it's quite well written) but it lacks the substance needed to be a great story.

The story was written as part of the AH kink bingo, so it was meant to be just a single scene story. Just a way of trying something a little different with my writing. It certainly is shorted than what I would normally do. I'm glad you liked it otherwise.

I didn't think it needed to be in BDSM -- this is a revenge story, not BDSM.

I loved the twist at the end. The story is short enough that the twist is pretty much the entire point, and I don't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with that, but it does make it sort of a gimmick story, which means that it's hard to say much about characterization or plot. Did the gimmick work? Yep, very well.

I personally like somewhat fewer adjectives per noun, but I suppose that's mostly a matter of taste. For example, we have "ample cleavage," "sultry brown eyes," "tight, sloppy wet pussy," and "cold hard steel." Her skin is "supple," her breasts are "full." None of these is bad all by itself, but the combination of all of them jerks me out of the story and makes me notice the plethora of adjectives. I'm not saying don't describe anything, but I think if you were slightly more restrained in the amount of description, your story would stand out more from the morass of adjectives.

Fun story!

The twist part actually came to me as I was writing it, it was a fun dicovery. I got a good chuckle out of your example of overusing adjectives. I guess I can get a little overboard at times, I'll try to watch that in future. Thanks for your responses.