Aunt/Nephew Stories feedback

[lauratmd]

HI All,
I'm very excited that the second part of my Aunt/Nephew story was published:
https://www.literotica.com/s/getting-to-know-my-nephew-ch-02

Part 1 can be found here:
https://www.literotica.com/s/getting-to-know-my-nephew-ch-01

I would love to get constructive feedback.
Thanks!
Laura

 

[Tigersman]

Feedback on chapter two

I liked your story. I found the plot and character development were good, plus the flow was really good. I thought the way you handled the sex scene was perfect. I did find some awkward sentences, commas in the wrong places, missing words and a consistency problem involving a name. If you don't have an editor, you need to find one or at least take the time to print out your story so you can read through it slowly to catch any errors.

 

[Tigersman]

Feedback on chapter one

I found the same problems with the first chapter.

 

[AwkwardMD]

Like Tigersman said, the nuts and bolts writing needs work. Stiff grammar, punctuation, missing words, and super blunt exposition.

Behind that writing is an interesting story, but we as readers need to fight through the writing to get to it. Story is like pizza, and the writing is the delivery car. You car has a bad exhaust leak that is ruining the flavor of your pizza.

Like Tigersman said, try to find a second pair of eyes either in the form of an editor or a beta reader, because there is too much to go through here in a forum post.

Keep writing. It's only through experience that we really absorb lessons like these. I also highly recommend reading the works of others critically. In your case, I would recommend studying the way other authors structure their sentences, and trying to build up your sense of what sounds and feels right as you read. That will help you improve your ability to double check yourself while you write.

 

[Alice_Rosaleen]

I'm sorry but how does anyone fall asleep with their tongue intertwined with someone else's?
I thought the story lacked tension and focus. Think of the entire scope of the project before you start, keep your characters driven by conflict and scenes built on the escalation or resolution of those conflicts.

 

[lauratmd]

I'm sorry but how does anyone fall asleep with their tongue intertwined with someone else's?
I thought the story lacked tension and focus. Think of the entire scope of the project before you start, keep your characters driven by conflict and scenes built on the escalation or resolution of those conflicts.

Thank you for the feedback! It makes sense. When I wrote it, it suonded good. But I will think about those kinds of things more as I edit my works!
Thanks again!

 

[Emirus]

When I wrote it, it suonded good.

I thought that the first story I submitted, only one page, was a masterpiece. It wasn’t. I was going to leave it as it was as a constant reminder to look at every story from the readers point of view, not my own. To remind me, as my writing skills improved, exactly how bad I was at the beginning. To remind me of the need to read my draft over and over again and not be afraid to change some things, even large chunks, if it made the story better.

But I subsequently submitted an edit, correcting the mistakes. One reason was on the advice of an experienced writer who said that the edit facility is there for a reason, so why not use it? But the main reason was that, as my writing improves, in a few months time when I have had several stories published that might be the first story of mine that someone reads. They decide it’s crap and don’t bother to read any more of my stories which are much better.

So I would suggest that you do look at correcting the mistakes and getting an editor for the technical errors.

 

[8letters]

My thoughts:
* Don't start with a bunch of narrative summary. Instead, start with an interesting scene. You could have deleted the first eleven paragraphs from the story and lose very little
* People normally speak in contractions. It's not "Where is the rehearsal dinner?". It's "Where's the rehearsal dinner?"
* When Laura meets James, I want to see them quickly establish some chemistry. I didn't get the feeling of chemistry at all. James is a hunk, okay. Next thing we learn is that he's saved all his money from working at McDonald's to buy a brand new bright yellow Camaro. That's a highly unusual thing to do. How does that build chemistry between James and Laura?
* I found the skirt thing annoying. I'm a guy, so I don't anything about wearing skirts. But I'd imagine that a 40's woman would have figured out how to comfortably get into and out of a car while wearing what she calls a conservative skirt. What does her constantly worrying about the skirt say about her?
* I thought the whole "Where to?" conversation was a lost opportunity to establish chemistry between James and Laura. One of them should have taken control of the situation, said "This is how I want to spend some free time" and have that click with the other. Instead, we get two I-dunna-what-to-do's
* Next is a long conversation in the car. At this point, you should be getting across James and Laura's personalities and how they fit together. What does Laura do for a living? What are James' career plans? What are their hobbies and interests? What music is James listening to as they drive? James talking about his family doesn't advance anything
* By the time the rehearsal dinner starts, there's no chemistry that I can see between James and Laura. Laura should spend the dinner talking with family members while James plays on his phone
* More boring stuff happens and we get to the reception. Once Andre leaves Laura, I'd think Laura would spend the evening talking with family. Instead, she spends the night dancing with James
* Suddenly, it's the next morning and they're fucking. Too much of a leap for me. Again, I don't see any chemistry between them
* To me, a good incest story has lots of shame and guilt. The main character knows he/she shouldn't be attracted to a family member, but the attraction is just too strong. There was only a tiny bit of that in the story