I am new to posting but hope to get some advice. My wife and I have been having trouble. We went to counsoling but helped little. The big issue I am having is The sex side of the marriage. We may do it every two weeks if we are lucky. I am having more trouble trying not to look around for something else. She has always been overweight but it use to not bother me so much till she decided to get a procedure done to lose the weight. It isn't working and now I am having more trouble not caring. I think deep down she knows how I feel but I am worried about crushing her feelings telling her my thoughts. Any advice?
Attraction to Spouse
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Rhslonewolf
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Are u on the heavier side also? If so say u want to lose some and want to know if she would also make a lil bet on who can lose the most.
I would probably avoid telling her the truth at this point. If her weight was bothering her enough for her to get a procedure done, she is probably more disappointed than you that it isn't working. And her self esteem is probably pretty low right now.
Is there anything more there than physical attraction? Can you think of things you can do to help her feel good about herself?
See if she wants to exercise together maybe?
Is there anything more there than physical attraction? Can you think of things you can do to help her feel good about herself?
See if she wants to exercise together maybe?
Excellent response.
Especially this "Is there anything more there than physical attraction? Can you think of things you can do to help her feel good about herself?"
Is there any way to sincerely see beyond the issue of physical attraction? It seems like she needs a confidence re-boot and that it needs to be about more than her appearance. Is there more to her? She'll be more attractive when she's more confident.
mike2010fc
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themilf
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Well you know this might be a double edged sword, on a bad day I might think you were saying or implying that you would only take me out were I to change my hair color/style, get a Mani/pedi, etc.
BUT as I said that would be on a bad day and with all honesty and deep regret I've never had anyone offer to do this for me.
Clearly I choose losers but I'm working on that!!
silverwhisper
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redman, i think you've already gotten some good advice. i'm kinda curious about something else: you mentioned counseling was tried but it wasn't helpful.
i'd like to know more about that, if you're open to discussing it.
ed
i'd like to know more about that, if you're open to discussing it.
ed
Couple of thoughts:
If counseling didn't work, find another counselor or therapist. Therapy and such is very individualized, and not every therapist is going to work. We once went for couples counseling with a local guy, he was nice enough, but his responses to the situation at hand were canned drivel...very unhelpful for a very unhealthy situation with birth families and such..another therapist working with us did an incredible job with us, and there was a lot to be worked on, and she did.
I have to agree with the others , I think it is a great idea to treat your spouse to some primping and pampering and to show her how you feel. I know only too well, there is a self fulfilling circle when it comes to self image, it feeds into itself and drives you down, you don't care, so you let yourself go, and so on. I have battled my weight my whole life, and it is a hard struggle to fight. Showing you want her to look her best, that you care, is a biggie...
And if you yourself have things you want to work on, great way is to help each other work towards a goal
.
I obviously know nothing about your wife, but has your sex life always had problems, or is this recent? I ask because if there were problems before, lack of sex/desire on her part, that and the weight could (and I emphasize the could) be an indication of something bad in her past, women who have suffered abuse can put on weight as a sub conscious means of making themselves unattractive as a protective mechanism and women who have suffered abuse can have a lot of issues with sex (not exactly surprising), some are hypersexual, some go the other way ....dealt with the results of it with my spouse, hence my comment. Could also just be she has a body with a weight problem and it is depressing her...
If counseling didn't work, find another counselor or therapist. Therapy and such is very individualized, and not every therapist is going to work. We once went for couples counseling with a local guy, he was nice enough, but his responses to the situation at hand were canned drivel...very unhelpful for a very unhealthy situation with birth families and such..another therapist working with us did an incredible job with us, and there was a lot to be worked on, and she did.
I have to agree with the others , I think it is a great idea to treat your spouse to some primping and pampering and to show her how you feel. I know only too well, there is a self fulfilling circle when it comes to self image, it feeds into itself and drives you down, you don't care, so you let yourself go, and so on. I have battled my weight my whole life, and it is a hard struggle to fight. Showing you want her to look her best, that you care, is a biggie...
And if you yourself have things you want to work on, great way is to help each other work towards a goal
.I obviously know nothing about your wife, but has your sex life always had problems, or is this recent? I ask because if there were problems before, lack of sex/desire on her part, that and the weight could (and I emphasize the could) be an indication of something bad in her past, women who have suffered abuse can put on weight as a sub conscious means of making themselves unattractive as a protective mechanism and women who have suffered abuse can have a lot of issues with sex (not exactly surprising), some are hypersexual, some go the other way ....dealt with the results of it with my spouse, hence my comment. Could also just be she has a body with a weight problem and it is depressing her...
I'm in pretty good shape to answer question. Not my six pack self when we met but not overweight. The counseling was mostly questions on and how does that make you feel, which made want to say wasting my money cause your not telling me anything. I think esteem is the big issue for her.
I really appreciate the advice. I was thinking more about therapy. Thanks again. Well said on one person needs to take leap of faith.
Miss the days of dating where you find a spot to park and go at it.
I really appreciate the advice. I was thinking more about therapy. Thanks again. Well said on one person needs to take leap of faith.
Miss the days of dating where you find a spot to park and go at it.
Me too! Good luck. I hope things get better.
This is very very true. I guess it just depends on the day and the person.
Personally I would like a massage at home given by the one I love and a full day in bed, but it doesn't sound like she would be up for that at this point.
Hopefully something helps though.
Well how were things when the 2 of you were dating? She may be the type that like to be pampered or paid a lot of attention to and if shes not getting that, then she'll feel like you don't care anymore. I wouldn't give up unless you tried everything in your power that you could.
Cattypuss
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Red flag.
Counselling should not be about telling you stuff. It should be about guiding you, through questioning, to a point where you understand yourself and your situation better. Which sounds like what you were offered.
Marriage is hard work...it sounds cliche, but it is so true. In order for it to last, people have to accept that spouses get older, grayer, heavier, sometimes even sick. The marriages that last are the ones that formed out of more than physical attraction.
Work on finding what made you fall in love with her. Start with the things that make you laugh together as that always seems to break barriers. Tell her you love her despite the weight, but that you want her healthy and that you will be there to help her in any way you can. Once some of the walls come back down, you can start to restore intimacy. I think that since you two already had a really good sex life, you stand an excellent chance, as opposed to two people who were on opposite sides of the map sexually.
I agree with Mike, one of you needs to take a leap of faith. I have been down this road and have been on the brink of divorce, we even separated, but I realized my life was much better with him in it, so I did the hard work it took to patch things up. Trouble in a marriage does not always mean the end of that marriage, especially if you can dig deep and find the stuff that makes it worth fighting for.
Good luck!!!
Work on finding what made you fall in love with her. Start with the things that make you laugh together as that always seems to break barriers. Tell her you love her despite the weight, but that you want her healthy and that you will be there to help her in any way you can. Once some of the walls come back down, you can start to restore intimacy. I think that since you two already had a really good sex life, you stand an excellent chance, as opposed to two people who were on opposite sides of the map sexually.
I agree with Mike, one of you needs to take a leap of faith. I have been down this road and have been on the brink of divorce, we even separated, but I realized my life was much better with him in it, so I did the hard work it took to patch things up. Trouble in a marriage does not always mean the end of that marriage, especially if you can dig deep and find the stuff that makes it worth fighting for.
Good luck!!!
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It's true. I actually dislike "spa days", personally. Too public. I prefer doing this kind of thing at home.
The more you have sex the more you want it. The "leap of faith" may be necessary to get things started, but once the interest is piqued things get easier and more abundant.
TeaforMe's response was great. Marriage is an evolution and an accepting of the spouse you choose. If your marriage is a 'traditional' one, then making it work is your goal. We all go through waxes and wanes in our attraction for our spouses, heck even in liking our spouses. It's the long haul that counts, but why not make the journey as enjoyable as possible? And what sane person wants to say no to an orgasm?
TeaforMe's response was great. Marriage is an evolution and an accepting of the spouse you choose. If your marriage is a 'traditional' one, then making it work is your goal. We all go through waxes and wanes in our attraction for our spouses, heck even in liking our spouses. It's the long haul that counts, but why not make the journey as enjoyable as possible? And what sane person wants to say no to an orgasm?
JasonDaniel
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If she wants to lose weight, and you want a better relationship, why not work out with her. Losing weight is tough if you are having to do it by yourself. Your support will give her more incentive to stick with it, and her interaction with you will bring you closer together. A successful relationship/marriage is a lot better when you build it yourself. Perhaps even explore new things together.
Paul_Chance
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All Therapists are Not Equal
I'd second the opinion that if you've tried one counselor and it didn't work, try another. Not all therapists are created equal. The first conversation with them should be about setting expectations. Don't hesitate to tell them "I expect you to provide us with the tools to work our way through this or to a better understanding of it." There are, quite literally, a thousand things you can try to bring a relationship back to a better state.
I'd second the opinion that if you've tried one counselor and it didn't work, try another. Not all therapists are created equal. The first conversation with them should be about setting expectations. Don't hesitate to tell them "I expect you to provide us with the tools to work our way through this or to a better understanding of it." There are, quite literally, a thousand things you can try to bring a relationship back to a better state.
maxshela
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trouble having sex
As an other man having the same issue in the passed. I don't know quite were to start. My wife has always been a bit over weigh more so after child birth and now during menopause she she not as pretty as she once was. I still love her to death, and am sexually attracted to her.
About 15 years ago my wife lost all interest in sex, I got it about once a mouth if I was lucky. I came very close to cheating on her and was ready to leave her. Lucky for us she found out. It was a real rough patch in our marriage. But we worked it out for awhile then it got bad again. I stuck with her and jerked off a lot. Then we started talking about sharing 3somes/4somes swapping, swinging. That really picked things up, just talking about it like a shared fantasy. We met a few couples but have never clicked with any yet. That's when I let her know I had thought about sucking cock.
Things are much better now. Hope this helps.
As an other man having the same issue in the passed. I don't know quite were to start. My wife has always been a bit over weigh more so after child birth and now during menopause she she not as pretty as she once was. I still love her to death, and am sexually attracted to her.
About 15 years ago my wife lost all interest in sex, I got it about once a mouth if I was lucky. I came very close to cheating on her and was ready to leave her. Lucky for us she found out. It was a real rough patch in our marriage. But we worked it out for awhile then it got bad again. I stuck with her and jerked off a lot. Then we started talking about sharing 3somes/4somes swapping, swinging. That really picked things up, just talking about it like a shared fantasy. We met a few couples but have never clicked with any yet. That's when I let her know I had thought about sucking cock.
Things are much better now. Hope this helps.
JasonDaniel
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You have a good formula for keeping your marriage alive. It seems to be common for sex in marriage to grow stale. Perhaps it's because of familiarity; if a person becomes too familiar with something, (it seems like almost anything), they begin to take it for granted and lose interest. It's great that sharing secret desires and fantasies has made your marriage better. Hope you find the right couple.
Another thought I had, has you wife had her endocrine system checked out, specifically her hormone levels? Lack of desire that you are talking about may be physiological, the balance of hormones in a women's (or men's) body can really screw up sex drive, things like the thyroid can also do a number. A lot of women suffer from low testosterone levels (yes, women have testosterone) and it affects sex drive. Given your wife is overweight, there could be underlying issues that help cause that and problems with sex drive. I would recommend seeing an endocrinologist who is a specialist in sex hormones if at all possible, your standard family practitioner may not be all that knowledgeable.
