Attic Clock ( requesting feedback on story )

[O_J_Flintstone]

hi!

I just posted a new story, and would like feedback on it! It's an story called ATTIC CLOCK ( a woman loses her virginity twice? )

tell me what you think overall, and no opinion is too small for me. i know it ain't perfect looking, but i guess i'm most curious about the storytelling and story. what do you think? peace! let me know here, and through the feedback system of sending e-mails. also vote!

thanks!


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=48241

 

[jon.hayworth]

O_J_F

I read your story, it was not bad, but - yes there are buts.

It is too long to give a detailed breakdown paragraph by paragraph, so I will make general comments.

(1) The time travel concept - I think you ought to research the theory of what would happen. I would suggest that during the time travel period the son would not exist. Nor will her knowledge of her husband if in life one she had not met him at that age.

So when Eric awakes the son should have disappeared into thin air.

It is best not to get into these plotlines unless you understand the theories, a SciFi or Fantasy fan would be able to explain this part better.

(2) Edit your work, and do not be too precious about the words you have used. Use a dictionary and Thesaurus - not just the apology in your msWord. Avoid repeating the same words. Also check the meaning of words. Was it "interesting" that she took a day off work, or was it "unusual" for her to take a day off work.
Were her clothes "not obscene" or "not revealing" and so on.

Remember we can all write stories, what makes stories good is spending the time crafting them - the editing phase.


Good luck and keep on writing you have a good imagination.

jon

 

[ladyphoenix]

Attic Clock

O_J,
I have to agree with the last critique. You do have a great imagination, and this is one of those stories that I read thinking, "oh, this could have been SO much better!"
I enjoyed the whole idea of the story, but your writing style needs some work.
The first thing I noticed was just a lack of finesse with word choices. Starting out the story with "One nice spring day" immediately made me think, "oh, this is going to be boring". Sorry, but you MUST slam the reader in the first paragraph (ideally in the first sentence) to keep them reading. Just take a look at how many stories are on this site. EVERY OTHER STORY IS COMPETITION and you have to beat them out, somehow. Your opening is one way.
Your second paragraph makes me wonder if this is going to be some kind of documentary. "She's your average middle-aged..." and so on, sounds like you're doing a profile on her for some news show. And of COURSE, she's PERFECT physically, which makes her NOT THE AVERAGE MIDDLE AGED woman. And of course she has a husband and a son, and a perfect life, and perfect boobs, and perfect hair (don't get me started on how cliched "long, flowing" is in terms of hair descriptors. Anyway, I have this instant dislike of ANY character who is perfect, because I know they don't exist. Make her real, for goodness sake. Give her a little bump on her otherwise perfect nose, and a little thickness around the middle.
The second thing that gave me fits was the amount of detail. Now, personally, I LOVE a writer who gives me the scene in terms of color, temperature, etc. HOWEVER....I do NOT need to know everything. Paragraph 3, for example, is completely unnecessary. I do not need to know where the pizza delivery flyer is, and that she is reading it, or why the truck at Vinny's is in the shop ("feared Firestone tires"????), etc.
In that same vein, several times you describe things that occur outside the main action. For example, "Kelly then realized that she had promised the boys some pizza. She then picked up the flyer, and called them up. After some SHORT INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION FROM THE VIEW OF THE BOYS, still looking at jazz records, she hung up". You use the word "up" twice. You say the conversation is "short" and "inaudible"...so WHY mention it at all?? Then you don't specify who is looking at jazz records, and the way you've written the sentence, SHE is. Try this:
"Kelly realized suddenly she'd forgotten to order the pizza and made a call to their favorite place, agreeing to pick the pies up herself when she was told the delivery van was in the shop. On her way back to the living room, where the boys were still oogling her vinyl, she picked up her keys and purse."
Get the idea? Sometimes details are great...sometimes they're just boring details.
Your dialogue strikes me as being a real strong suit for you. For the most part, it sounds realistic. But I can see points at which you forget to just write a conversation and start thinking too hard about "making it real". I mean (aside from "Leave it to Beaver" reruns) how many men call their sons "sport"? How many 18 year old boys say things like, "Why, hello Mrs. Smith. How are things?" Ryan says "give me the pics!" I have four children and have never heard any of them call pictures "pics". But maybe that's just me. When John whispers, "It's me," I don't think he needed to add, "your husband".
The believablity level is very important. You make Kelly perfect. You make Eric's cock 9 inches long (yeah, sure). You have a mother pulling her shirt up in front of her SON and his friend (okay, she was shocked, but come on). You have a married man who has NEVER had a woman go down on him. What? Kelly was a total prude before this happened? If she was, then why does she go hopping into bed with Eric ASAP?
The end of the story should ease us away from the characters, leaving us feeling satisfied, but again, the end sounds like a news show. The pregnancy was unnecessary and honestly, a bit irritating (I'm not sure why. Maybe because it seemed so cliched).
I know this is sounding harsh, but I think it's such a wonderful, original idea, and I'm just sorry it wasn't better. It could have definitely been a '5' story with some cutting and editing, and attention to detail. Get an editor or two, read your thesaurus every day, and keep writing!!

 

[O_J_Flintstone]

thanks guys

hey

your points are well taken. I see where you folks are coming from.

i'm kind of a free style writer, but there are only so many words in the english language. if i go too deep into the dictionary of theasurus, to avoid using some words too much, i'm afraid i'm going to lose many people's interest. people tend to just drop stories that have too many fancy words in them, even here in this place.

Then again, i'm not making a story about time travel. It's about magic. She didn't go back in time to the 60's, she shrunk down to teen sized in today's time, and back again to normal. And I never judge a story by it's cover, title, or first few words. You have to look at the whole, and just not sections. I'm glad you guys didn't do that, and looked at the whole story, and then pointed out parts that needed tweeking. Remember, I'm not a scientist, i'm a story teller.

I'm very protective of my work, and normally don't like people telling me how to do my stories and art ( it is my art), but i do understand what you guys are saying, and thank you for being honest and helping me.

i'll do what i can, but i can't please everyone with my style of stories, so I may as well as just please myself. I will try topolish them better, and make them more readable for others.

THANKS YOU PEOPLE! I really appreciate your taking the time in reading my story, and telling me what you think about it.

 

[ladyphoenix]

O_J,
Well, when it comes right down to it, we all really write for ourselves, don't we? I've often thought, "Gee, maybe I don't have more readers because I don't write what the masses want to read" and yet, if the masses want fast, wet and nasty, I'm not going to change my own style just to get readership. I perfer writing what I hope are quality stories and if I only have ten readers as opposed to a thousand, fine. As long as the ten get some enjoyment from the reading.
I've been criticized for too much detail, not enough fucking. At first I wondered if I was doing something wrong, but I've figured out that if all someone wants is a jack-off page, complete with lots of "cunt" and "dick" and "cum" kinds of words to get them off, there's plenty here to choose from. Seems sad to me that we don't have more people who are really concerned about really writing a good story.
Personally, the time travel kind of thing didn't really bother me, maybe because I'm not into sci/fi stuff, so I can suspend my reason long enough to buy her getting young in the current time without her son disappearing, etc. That wasn't part of my critique; I would have preferred, however, if the whole of the story had been handled with more finesse. As far as using "fancy" words, that isn't the point. There is a big difference between describing a woman's hair as "long, flowing" or as, say, "long and silky with a little tendency to curl up around her shoulders". No fancy words there. It's not only the words, it's how they're strung together. Words are like notes. String them together in the right way and you make music. Whether the music is harsh or hits wrong notes sometimes, or plays like Mozart is the question. The notes are just there, to be placed by us. It's the arrangement that proves the quality of the imagination of the writer, and often that takes LOTS of work. Keep at it!

 

[russell]

hello

Hello LP pm me please

 

[SleeperGT]

Actually, I liked it.

 

[O_J_Flintstone]

Thank you all!

thank you


thanks for the response from you people, and support

feel free to check out my mind control series THE RING OF POWER

the newest chapter has just been released, and feel free to vote and post here, and send them messages along to me

peace

OJ Flintstone