Attempted Poetry

[Carl East]

The One

Sitting on the river bank holding your hand
Watching as the gulls skim across the land
Looking into your eyes so fair and blue
Hearing the water ripple against the bank so new

Kissing you with tenderness and feeling you shake
Observing how cold your hands are I ache
Handing you my jacket to keep you nice and warm
Recieving a smile for thinking of you

Embracing you passionately whilst caressing your cheek
Knowing your mine for the rest of the week
The scene is idyllic, romantic and sweet
You tell me you love me as you kiss my cheek

I'm suddenly warm as the words pass my ears
I've been wanting to hear that for so many years
You are the one I've searched for so long
My heart is beating so very strong, the words I love you really belong

Carl

 

[WickedEve]

suggestions if I may

For starters, it would help to eliminate some of the "ings" throughout the poem, and drop some "the's" in the first stanza.

For example:

On the river bank holding your hand
We watch gulls skim across the land
Look into eyes so fair and blue
Hear water ripple against bank so new

Be careful of forced rhymes. "bank so new" sounds forced. And so do a few of your other rhymes.

Basically, a nice poem. I think with some polishing, you'll be even more pleased with it.

I'm glad you posted it, Carl.

 

[Carl East]

Revised version.

The One

Sat on the river bank holding your hand
We watch the gulls skim across the land
I look into your eyes so fair and blue
Can you hear the water rippling to

I kiss you with tenderness and feel you start to shake
Observing how cold your hands are, I suddenly start to ache
I hand over my jacket to keep you nice and warm
You smile at me with thankful lines writen on your brow

I embrace you passionately whilst caressing your cheek
Knowing your mine for the rest of the week
The scene is idyllic, romantic and sweet
You tell me you love me as you kiss my cheek

My body warms as your words pass my ears
I've been wanting to hear that for so many years
You are the one I've searched for, for oh so very long
My heart is beating faster, where the words "I love you" truly belong

Carl

 

[WhatsHerName]

Thank you for sharing. I like it!

 

[Rybka]

Grammatical errors

Can you hear the water rippling to

"to" should be "too"

Knowing your mine for the rest of the week

"your" should be "you're"


Also you change the rhyme scheme in the middle stanzas. "brow" does not rhyme at all, and rather than the AABB scheme of the first and last stanzas, you use AABA in the third one. Plus you use the same rhyme word in the first and last lines. None of these choices are fatal, but you might think about smoothing things out.

Keep working at it.

Regards, Rybka

 

[Carl East]

Revised version. II

The One

Sat on the river bank holding your hand
We watch the gulls skim across the land
I look into your eyes so fair and blue
Can you hear the water rippling too

I kiss you with tenderness and feel you shake
Observing how cold you are, I suddenly start to ache
I hand over my jacket to keep you snug and warm
You smile at me as I blanket your form

I embrace you passionately whilst caressing your cheek
Knowing you're mine for the rest of the week
The scene is idyllic, romantic and sweet
You tell me you love me as you kiss me deep

My body warms as your words pass my ears
I've wanted to hear that for so many years
You're the one I've searched for, oh so long
My heart beats faster, where the words "I love you" truly belong

Carl

 

[shanier]

Re: suggestions if I may

For starters, it would help to eliminate some of the "ings" throughout the poem, and drop some "the's" in the first stanza.

For example:

On the river bank holding your hand
We watch gulls skim across the land
Look into eyes so fair and blue
Hear water ripple against bank so new

Be careful of forced rhymes. "bank so new" sounds forced. And so do a few of your other rhymes.

Basically, a nice poem. I think with some polishing, you'll be even more pleased with it.

I'm glad you posted it, Carl.

the bit about "ing" is right on.

even tho the poem is a good start, the use of 'ing' so often is indicative of the way that Jostens suggests high school yearbooks be written...for journalistic reasons. It sort of gets in the way of poetic flow.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Ode to Carl East

There once was a nice man from London
Whose equipment didn't fit in a condom
So he stuck it up her butt
Whenever he busted a nut
Because he had very fertile "popgun."

 

[Carl East]

Ode to Carl East

There once was a nice man from London
Whose equipment didn't fit in a condom
So he stuck it up her butt
Whenever he busted a nut
Because he had very fertile "popgun."

Killers Muffin is always so damp
I wonder if I should use a clamp
I want her so badly it drives me insane
Do you think I should PM her and tell her again?



Carl

 

[WickedEve]

Ode to Carl East

There once was a nice man from London
Whose equipment didn't fit in a condom
So he stuck it up her butt
Whenever he busted a nut
Because he had very fertile "popgun."

Glad I'm not the only who has noticed the equipment.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Now, who could miss Carl East's "equipment?"
Some say it's as big as an elephant!
But it sure can't be beat
If you're a girl in heat
In need of, um, let's say "fulfillment."

 

[Carl East]

KM needs attention from the right kind of man
I'm here to attend her the best that I can
So if you hear some screams from this thread
Don't worry at all I've nailed her in bed



Carl

 

[WickedEve]

Take me out to the ball park...

Dreamin' about a diamond
Big bat and a ball or two
Carl under the bleachers
Equipment ready to screw

Get to first, second, third base
Slide hard across home plate
If I can't go down in the East
I'll watch ESPN and masturbate


I don't know Carl East. I just like to write poetry.

 

[Carl East]

That's wicked Eve you write oh so well
Why don't we sit and talk for a spell
I'm not very good where writings concerned
But I try my best as I think you may learn

I write erotica, I think I do well
Sex is a subject I know how to tell
My stories are quite frank and adult in theme
Do you like my av or do you think it looks mean




Carl

 

[smithpeter]

The One

Handing you my jacket to keep you nice and warm
Recieving a smile for thinking of you

Carl

I am little in understanding these two lines.
Why both "nice" and "warm"?
Did you actually think.
To the best of your recollection, what did she taste like?

 

[WickedEve]

Re: Re: Attempted Poetry

I am little in understanding these two lines.
Why both "nice" and "warm"?
Did you actually think.
To the best of your recollection, what did she taste like?

Carl's poem was sweet and romantic. Giving her his jacket was gallant. I'm sure he wasn't thinking such thoughts. Were you, Carl? Were thinking about how her lips tasted? How she tasted in places you could only imagine? I think sp is the one that wonders about taste. He's orally fixated.

I don't think your AV is that mean, Carl.

Mean in such a good way.
Pecker with a purpose,
with something to say.

"I'm a heck of a ride,
a hell of a slide,
even more fun to hide."

 

[Carl East]

Wickedeve hear me say, you could ride me any old day
As long as you care and as long as you know
I'm no ordinary dude, I'm Carl don't ya know.



Carl

 

[WickedEve]

Wickedeve hear me say, you could ride me any old day
As long as you care and as long as you know
I'm no ordinary dude, I'm Carl don't ya know.



Carl

It just dawned on me what's missing in your AV, Carl. This:

 

[Carl East]

It just dawned on me what's missing in your AV, Carl. This:

Eve's a lady with a poetic bent
Not content to just sit and vent
She writes poems of lovers old
Waxes lyrical about the bold
Her words stir your very soul
Until they reach the ulitmate goal

Throwing kisses is normally taboo
At least I think so, how about you
Once it's thrown the challenge is met
For I am keen to make her wet
If she shows me more to come
I think I'll marry and give her some.



Carl

 

[JUDO]

Carl has many things to express.
His lips move around and impress,
But I hear them not -
Eyes stuck on the spot
Where my lips so want to caress.

(Yep! It's a distraction all right!)

 

[Carl East]

I think my av's a distraction,
Or so I heard Judo say
I'm not sure whether to change it
And finally put it away

I think I might just leave it
Well you know what they say
A cock or two won't hurt you
At least not for today

Carl