SeattleGhostWriter
Virgin
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2005
- Posts
- 2
deleted
Last edited:
At The Ocean
- Thread starter SeattleGhostWriter
- Start date
BlackSnake
Anaconda
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2002
- Posts
- 9,196
You stacked the deck with the voting category.
This is just my opinion. I'm not a professional, so that this with a grain of salt. I'm not an editor either, so I'm only going to mess with this small piece.
First, if you are going to post to the web use block style paragraphs. Indents will not be recognized and it will not give the read a chance to breath when they are reading. Just makes it hard to read. Now.
The morning breeze was warm as it invaded the room.
Does roll off my lips. Try keeping it a bit simple: The warm morning breeze invaded the room. You voice is good, but the rhythm makes me stumble.
She turned to find that the man she spent the evening with was not there.
Remember Capt. Kirk, now playing on Boston Legal. This is over acting. You can show that she is disappointed that the man she spent the night with was gone without having the dramatic head snapping thing going on. I think it would be a better visual to show that she enjoyed the last night and wished that he was still there. Like, feeling the warmth left by his hard body and feeling the throbbing imprint left by his thrusting member. See what I'm saying?
She was athletic, firm in all the right places as she massaged her shoulders for a moment. Her raven hair fell in tumultuous waves to the small of her back; thick with some curls.
To me, it sounds like you are trying very hard not to give her measurements. My question is why is this important to the reader at this point in the story? To me, saying that she was an athletic would give me visuals of an athleticly built woman:flat chested, muscular calves and thighs, and ass like a dude - hard. It really looks like you just tossed that in there. Besides, her hair is going to be all over the place unless she is no a Soap Opera.
Well, that's my two cent...some may say I really don't have that....hehehee
This is just my opinion. I'm not a professional, so that this with a grain of salt. I'm not an editor either, so I'm only going to mess with this small piece.
First, if you are going to post to the web use block style paragraphs. Indents will not be recognized and it will not give the read a chance to breath when they are reading. Just makes it hard to read. Now.
The morning breeze was warm as it invaded the room.
Does roll off my lips. Try keeping it a bit simple: The warm morning breeze invaded the room. You voice is good, but the rhythm makes me stumble.
She turned to find that the man she spent the evening with was not there.
Remember Capt. Kirk, now playing on Boston Legal. This is over acting. You can show that she is disappointed that the man she spent the night with was gone without having the dramatic head snapping thing going on. I think it would be a better visual to show that she enjoyed the last night and wished that he was still there. Like, feeling the warmth left by his hard body and feeling the throbbing imprint left by his thrusting member. See what I'm saying?
She was athletic, firm in all the right places as she massaged her shoulders for a moment. Her raven hair fell in tumultuous waves to the small of her back; thick with some curls.
To me, it sounds like you are trying very hard not to give her measurements. My question is why is this important to the reader at this point in the story? To me, saying that she was an athletic would give me visuals of an athleticly built woman:flat chested, muscular calves and thighs, and ass like a dude - hard. It really looks like you just tossed that in there. Besides, her hair is going to be all over the place unless she is no a Soap Opera.
Well, that's my two cent...some may say I really don't have that....hehehee
