At last!

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[mellowgyrl]

Just to let anyone who cares know that at last my story Gary and katherine Ch.o2 has been posted. I still do not know how to do a link but at the moment it is in the new story section under erotic couplings. A big thank you to anyone who helped me I know it was a struggle!

Gw

Here's His Story

 

[JADED_ONE1969]

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[mellowgyrl]

Thanks MellowGirl I really must learn how to do this link thing!
But please understand I'm not completely thick honest!

No problem sweetie. It took me a while to figure it out my damn self! Good luck with your story!

 

[tickledkitty]

Good for you, GW!

I still say you need to find yourself an editor. Now that the grammar and punctuation are cleaned up, the story is more readable, but there are other things an editor can help you with.

A few examples:

Waking up curled around Katherine, Gary thought it was some party they had the night before. The only regret was that he felt, was feeling uneasy about showing off his beautiful wife in such a way, that many of his fellow workers might think less of him, and, more important, how they might have felt about his wife.

This whole paragraph is a bit awkward. Since you're submitting this one chapter at a time, it's important for the first sentence to grab the reader and make them want to read on, almost as if each chapter is a story on its own.

That was some party last night Gary thought upon waking up curled around Katherine. (I don't know if this is a better first sentence, but I think it's a little easier to read.)

In the second sentence you mention his "only" regret and then go on to list three different thoughts. Also, the "he felt, was feeling" thing is odd. I think if you're saying he's having regrets, then we know those are his feelings. Also, "regret" and "feeling uneasy" are kind of the same things.

"Nice try, but don't try anything. You know I won't do anal. You always said you wouldn't either, so take that thing out of there so I can go and have a shower. We both stink, and I've got a load of gunk that needs to be gotten rid of. "

The first sentence in this paragraph uses the word "try" twice. I think it would be better to combine the first two sentences. "Nice try, but you know I won't do anal." or "Nice try, but don't even think about it. You know I won't do anal." Some of this dialogue seems a bit stilted. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see if it sounds natural.

That whole "load of gunk" thing is pretty gross and kind of hard to believe. In my experience, "gunk" doesn't stay in there. It runs out. The vagina cleanses itself. I realize some of it might stay, but "load of gunk" seems like a bit much. Really, that is just a detail I could do without.

As the weather was still fairly warm, they both chose to walk naked to the bathroom, which gave Gary time to study his wife from behind, seeing her ass sway from side to side, a sight he never got tired of.

This is a really long sentence. Since they're inside, I don't see what bearing the weather has on this. It's not as if walking to the bathroom will take a long time, right? Also, saying they chose this gives me the idea that some deliberation had taken place, culminating in them saying, "Oh, let's just walk there naked."

They walked to the bathroom naked, giving Gary time to study his wife from behind. Seeing her ass swing from side to side was a sight he never got tired of.

Do you think it's easier to read as two sentences? I think reading more will help you with this, as well.

So, things to look for:

Break up longish sentences.

Say dialogue out loud to ensure it sounds natural.

Don't repeat words or say things in the same way too many times.

Avoid gross images. (the load of gunk) Ok, I'm not saying you have to avoid mention of semen and other body fluids. Maybe it was just your presentation of it? Not sure.

Anyway, good job. You'll be amazed at what you learn with each bit you write. Best of luck with it.

 

[mjl2010]

Good for you, GW!

I still say you need to find yourself an editor. Now that the grammar and punctuation are cleaned up, the story is more readable, but there are other things an editor can help you with.

A few examples:



This whole paragraph is a bit awkward. Since you're submitting this one chapter at a time, it's important for the first sentence to grab the reader and make them want to read on, almost as if each chapter is a story on its own.

That was some party last night Gary thought upon waking up curled around Katherine. (I don't know if this is a better first sentence, but I think it's a little easier to read.)

In the second sentence you mention his "only" regret and then go on to list three different thoughts. Also, the "he felt, was feeling" thing is odd. I think if you're saying he's having regrets, then we know those are his feelings. Also, "regret" and "feeling uneasy" are kind of the same things.



The first sentence in this paragraph uses the word "try" twice. I think it would be better to combine the first two sentences. "Nice try, but you know I won't do anal." or "Nice try, but don't even think about it. You know I won't do anal." Some of this dialogue seems a bit stilted. Try reading it aloud to yourself to see if it sounds natural.

That whole "load of gunk" thing is pretty gross and kind of hard to believe. In my experience, "gunk" doesn't stay in there. It runs out. The vagina cleanses itself. I realize some of it might stay, but "load of gunk" seems like a bit much. Really, that is just a detail I could do without.



This is a really long sentence. Since they're inside, I don't see what bearing the weather has on this. It's not as if walking to the bathroom will take a long time, right? Also, saying they chose this gives me the idea that some deliberation had taken place, culminating in them saying, "Oh, let's just walk there naked."

They walked to the bathroom naked, giving Gary time to study his wife from behind. Seeing her ass swing from side to side was a sight he never got tired of.

Do you think it's easier to read as two sentences? I think reading more will help you with this, as well.

So, things to look for:

Break up longish sentences.

Say dialogue out loud to ensure it sounds natural.

Don't repeat words or say things in the same way too many times.

Avoid gross images. (the load of gunk) Ok, I'm not saying you have to avoid mention of semen and other body fluids. Maybe it was just your presentation of it? Not sure.

Anyway, good job. You'll be amazed at what you learn with each bit you write. Best of luck with it.

I agree with all of this TK. Sometimes you try to move them along in short steps rather than climbing Mt. Everest the first time. Author patience goes a long towards it too.

MJL