Assumptions Or A Natural Conclusion?

[His_kitty]

I've had many friends, both male and female, tell me that they were shocked that because someone they played with once jumped to the conclusion that they were now an 'item'. This is a subject that I have thought on and discussed with my friends for as long as I've been online, I thought I'd bring it here and get other peoples ideas, thoughts and opinions as well.

I'm sure that this has been discussed many times, but there are newer people here as well who haven't been involved in past discussions.


When you start to pm, talk on a messenger or even exchange phone calls with someone, what are your thoughts about what type of relationship you're in?

Do you automatically think that after a cyber/phone session that you are now with that person only and they you?

If you don't want an exclusive relationship with the person, but yet you enjoy them as a person and you like the sexual aspects of it, how do you handle telling them that this is it?

What if you're the one who wants the exclusive relationship, how do you bring it up?

How do you a broach this subject with someone? Should it be discussed up front before it goes further than just friendly chatting?

 

[juicylips]

Good thread, sweetie.

 

[His_kitty]

For myself I tell those I talk to upfront that I don't normally go exclusive. But for myself, once I find someone that I just 'click' with I become exclusive with them without intention. It just happens, that's the person that I enjoy greatly, that I spend the most time with.. a natural progression I guess.

I have had people make the assumption after just a few text messages back and forth that we were a cyber couple. It isn't in my nature to be blunt, but there are times when its a necessity.

I don't make automatically think that because I've shared some conversations with someone that they aren't allowed to talk, flirt, or *play* with someone else. I've seen the opposite happen far too often with other's, not only myself.




Thank-You JL

 

[lovetoread]

Well, to be honest, should you not tell someone that he/she is not the only one?

I dont do this so its beyond me to have multiple partners, but if I did, I would let them know.

Personally though, I am not a multiple partner person. It just feels wrong to me. But then again, remember that its just my opinion and I am on pain pills.

 

[His_kitty]

Well, to be honest, should you not tell someone that he/she is not the only one?

I dont do this so its beyond me to have multiple partners, but if I did, I would let them know.

Personally though, I am not a multiple partner person. It just feels wrong to me. But then again, remember that its just my opinion and I am on pain pills.

I agree people should be upfront and tell if they are the type to be exclusive or prefer playing around. Less chances for people getting hurt.

The multiple partner thing isn't something I've done much and isn't something that I really enjoy. It can get difficult keeping up with them and scheduling can be a bitch

 

[horny_giraffe]

Granted, I've never had any kind of hot-and-heavy cyberrelationship, but it doesn't seem like an exclusive kind of thing for me.

 

[juicylips]

It can get difficult keeping up with them and scheduling can be a bitch

*Coffeespew*

 

[lovetoread]

I have talked to alot of guys who have not only multiple partners but they usually do it alot of people at the same time.

Be on the phone and cybering at the same time.

There is nothing more romantic than to have someone telling you to cum while hearing the clicking of the keyboard.

 

[juicylips]

There is nothing more romantic than to have someone telling you to cum while hearing the clicking of the keyboard.

OMG!!!

I hope you dumped his ass.

 

[lovetoread]

OMG!!!

I hope you dumped his ass.

Heh it wasnt me on the phone. I didnt do the phone thing.

I would be iming someone and they would let me know they were doing it while on the phone.

For some reason, guys dont want to do anything with me. Usually I am just a "friend".

Tis been that way forever. I dont have your natural sexualness, JL, which is bad for me.

 

[russell]

Very good thead

I like to come to Lit to laugh and chat with friends that I have met here...In some cases it goes beyond just chatting...I do not believe in exclusivity but I do understand what you say about it kinda becoming that way sometimes...I dont think I could have made as many friends here if I had been exclusive....I like variety...Each person brings something different to the relationship..I have many friends here...some I have cybered and had phone sex with and some I have had neither....Sometimes someone just needs a person to listen to them...I am glad if I can help them....

 

[juicylips]

Heh it wasnt me on the phone. I didnt do the phone thing.

I would be iming someone and they would let me know they were doing it while on the phone.

For some reason, guys dont want to do anything with me. Usually I am just a "friend".

Tis been that way forever. I dont have your natural sexualness, JL, which is bad for me.

I love your natural sexiness and you have ltr kind..which is what you want to show through..and it does. I have watched you transform yourself since the day I've arrived here. From the coy av's to the racy panty ones to the all you. It's been fascinating to see your layers come off..(pun intended)

You groove, darlin. Just fuckin' groove

 

[russell]

Heh it wasnt me on the phone. I didnt do the phone thing.

I would be iming someone and they would let me know they were doing it while on the phone.

For some reason, guys dont want to do anything with me. Usually I am just a "friend".

Tis been that way forever. I dont have your natural sexualness, JL, which is bad for me.

not all guys ltr..and I have to agree with JL you do fucking groove

 

[weed]

I assume nothing and expect others to assume nothing. If I pm I'm just being friendly and make it pretty clear I'm not interested in cyber if that seems to be the direction things are going.

LTR...I don't know why the guys wouldn't want more from you than friendship unless perhaps they are too respectful of that friendship to presume more.

 

[Temptress_1960]

I have always tried to make it very clear where I stood in terms of cyber relationship.

For a long time I was not exclusive with anyone, not exactly multiple partners, and never playing with more than one person at a particular moment - well, unless you count threesomes *G*

When I did choose to go exclusive, that was very clear to both of us. Part of the reason that I had not chosen to be exclusive before that was my husband - I was not about to do that without his approval or acceptance. And part of the reason was that the 2 or 3 people I had relationships with were not interested in that kind of commitment.

Scheduling was not really an issue, because they were not usually online at the same time, and because if I was busy, I would tell them so, and that I would talk to them later.

And after a couple of relationships that were, well, not precisely mistakes, but certainly learning experiences, I found the person I've been with for more than a year - online, on the phone, and in RL.

I tend to be a bit careful of my privacy, and have not spoken on the phone with many people from online. And then only after knowing them online for several months.

The honesty I expect and require in an online LD relationship is that they tell me if there's someone else, or if they are no longer interested in me. If they choose to play with someone else, that's their prerogative. Just don't lie to me about it, cause eventually I'm going to find out.

Even in an "exclusive" relationship, if there's someone else for them, it doesn't necessarily mean that it would be over between the two of us.

My philosophy is sort of like this: You decide what you're going to do, and I'll decide how I feel about it.

 

[His_kitty]

More than likely I'm going to regret this upcoming Tmi from myself, but I've been up all night, I have things on my mind so I'm not thinking clearly. (this is what I'm going to use as an excuse for my defense)

On the occasions that I've had multiple cyber partners, and make no mistake they were informed upfront that I was not interested in being exclusive with them, but I would never tell the other/s who else I was talking to. I just consider that personal.

It got to be too much talking to two on im pulled up on my screen while on voice or phone with another. Trying to type as quietly as I could, trying to carry on several different conversations with each, making "appointments" for special private time... all got to be too much. It took the fun out of something that is suppose to be fun.

Even though I had been honest with each of them, I felt dishonest. I stretched myself thin trying to spend individual time with each. When I'm in any sort of relationship like this I want to give that person my full attention, or I feel like I'm not just cheating them of that, but myself as well.



Btw Ltr - do you really think that men don't want to have anything to do with you aside from being your buddy? From what I've seen that isn't the case. LoL

 

[His_kitty]

Re: Very good thead

I like to come to Lit to laugh and chat with friends that I have met here...In some cases it goes beyond just chatting...I do not believe in exclusivity but I do understand what you say about it kinda becoming that way sometimes...I dont think I could have made as many friends here if I had been exclusive....I like variety...Each person brings something different to the relationship..I have many friends here...some I have cybered and had phone sex with and some I have had neither....Sometimes someone just needs a person to listen to them...I am glad if I can help them....

Firstly thank-you


I agree that sometimes when you are new to a place being exclusive with someone just after coming, can inhibit you meeting others.

 

[intrigued]

Ofcourse it should be talked about upfront! What a mess it can be if not....

Considering that I was openly seeking a relationship, and more specifically, an "in person" relationship, I spoke honestly about my intent. Usually, some type of understanding was reached before it went to the phone, and if not, it always became apparent through the course of talking. I never made any bones about it, and actually got rather blunt. You should see how I edited my profile repeatedly at the personal sites I frequented... I got so tired of the bs that I would go so far as to say....PLEASE understand...if you do not live within 100 miles of me or are unwilling to relocate at some point, if you are married, if you only wish to "play" or treat me as an online fantasy, please don't bother. Hard words for me because I am outgoing and very friendly, I love to meet people, chat with people, and I hated feeling that I may miss someone worth knowing, but it became very hard to deal with. Its a bitch to get to know someone and find yourself attracted, only to realize it just can't be. You have to to say the hard words, and they were for me, that I was "looking" and until I found him, I could not be exclusive to anyone.
It took me a long time to get to the point of pulling away when the moment of truth hit, (they don't want what I want, they can't deliver, etc.) and often I would just drift away, and that is so wrong. It leaves someone hanging, and I do regret that. But in the end, I believe that I did the right thing, I just didn't do it in the best manner.

I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks because you had a moment of two with them that you now belong to them, if the words haven't been said. Who is at fault, the one assuming, or the one not being specific? Touchy, because as a woman, I could easily see that as being pushy on my part, I prefer to let a man do the courting, but I do think it is wrong to mislead, or to allow someone to think whatever they want to think. Having said that, initially, its hard to just "go there" as soon as someone starts contacting you in a venue like this...(not a personals site) I like to let them do their thing and become very blunt before I can speak on a more personal level, and address whether or not I can go further with them...I would hate to presume that they are interested when they are not. OMG!

ltr...why is this so hard to believe? You are lovely...I just don't get it. Damn...would you like some links to a few free personals sites?

 

[ksmybuttons]

I have probably cut myself off from some friendships because of my lack of interest in a sexual relationship with anyone on the board. It just isn't my style, and, in fact, I have cybered in the past, and am fairly jaded about the whole process. If I was looking for something in my 3 D world, that might be different, but since I am not, I am fairly blunt about where my interests lie. I tell them I will see them on the board and that's it.

I do have a long term relationship with a man from cyber-land. It started when I found this candy bowl of sex on the internet and has totally evolved where sex really isn't the reason we chat. I mean, how much can you really do until it gets fairly stale?

The thing that kept cyberland interesting for a while, since I am not going to meet anyone in RL,was the variety. After a bit, that even became the same old thing.

I never expected exclusivity. I was out to experiment and felt they were, too. Some were good and some were horrid.

I do believe that it would be different if I had been looking for something more than just a fantasy.

 

[His_kitty]

I clipped down your post to address a few of your comments.

It took me a long time to get to the point of pulling away when the moment of truth hit, (they don't want what I want, they can't deliver, etc.) and often I would just drift away, and that is so wrong. It leaves someone hanging, and I do regret that. But in the end, I believe that I did the right thing, I just didn't do it in the best manner.

I've done that myself, I'm horrible at ending some relationships. I never know the right words, possibly because there aren't any. But honesty is and always will be the best policy. Its just hard for me to blunt, and sometimes you need to be in order to get your point across.

I find it hard to believe that anyone thinks because you had a moment of two with them that you now belong to them, if the words haven't been said. Who is at fault, the one assuming, or the one not being specific? Touchy, because as a woman, I could easily see that as being pushy on my part, I prefer to let a man do the courting, but I do think it is wrong to mislead, or to allow someone to think whatever they want to think. Having said that, initially, its hard to just "go there" as soon as someone starts contacting you in a venue like this...(not a personals site) I like to let them do their thing and become very blunt before I can speak on a more personal level, and address whether or not I can go further with them...I would hate to presume that they are interested when they are not. OMG!

I can't really remember a time when I've been the one to make the first move. Other than teasing and flirting and the majority of the time that's all it is and that's where I want it to stay. I like being the one 'whooed'.


Temptress_1960 - I think there isn't much I can add to your post, other than I like your style *g* and I think you have a very healthy attitude and outlook on this subject. Being upfront and making sure that everyone knows that its an online fb situation.

weed - "I assume nothing and expect others to assume nothing"
absolutely true.

Thank you all