Asking Feedback "Night of lust for a small woman"

[thekarpathianman]

Please, send me feedback for my story:

"Night of lust for a small woman".

Category : "Non consent/reluct."

Suggestions required, to know whether continuing to Ch.2 or not.

Good or bad comments always welcome.

Thank you for your attention.

 

[mellowgyrl]

Please, send me feedback for my story:

"Night of lust for a small woman".

Category : "Non consent/reluct."

Suggestions required, to know whether continuing to Ch.2 or not.

Good or bad comments always welcome.

Thank you for your attention.

Just so you know...most of us are notorious for being lazy. Is there any way you can post a link to your story so we don't have to search for it? Thanks!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Your story is here ----> http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=343338

My first reaction is: Where's the motivation? How did thise guys end up at the Blum home? You seem to havd dropped us into the middle of a story, not the beginning.

Digging deeper, you've made a few errors. for instance,

John, a white young giant of 22 years, built like a trunk and ...

Trunk? Did you mean Truck? This is an odd image. He's 7 feet tall, but short, squat and squarish?

Then the next paragraph reads,

He put his arm under the round butt of the womam, hoisted her to his head level, easily as she was a child and hold her in the crook of his elbow, with a grin of satisfaction on his face.

You've switched tense here. You should have said he HELD her, not HOLD her.

The following paragraph I would simply have deleted. It's just too mixed up.

Mrs. Blum was a very attractive brunette in her early fifties who, although her mature age, looked no more than thirty, thirty five years old and still captured the attention of all the men, old or young, she met. She was for the men a sensual dream and for the women a good reason of envy. This because she always exercised, since teenager, four times a week at gym, to maintain in an excellent shape her small, but gorgeous body and smooth skin: an all natural, perfect beauty. Standing barely 4'10", with a very narrow waist and slender legs, many of her 95 pounds of tender but firm flesh were located in her big rack and tight ass. On her petite frame those incredibly large, snow-white breasts were a miracle of gravity and seemed to burst at any time, squirting gallons of fresh milk. Her husband was crazy for them; and her son, too; and all the other men.

First, you made the error of using numbers : 4'10", 95 pounds. If you used them at all they should be written out in words. Next you got into some detail that really isn't necessary. You are better off leaving the discription vague and letting the reader fill it in. And the image of a tiny woman with enormous knockers squirting gallons of milk just doesn't do it for me. Finally, you got confused about what this story was about. This is a f"orced sex" story. But in the last line of the paragraph, you've introduced possible incest and loving wives, threesomes and so on. Try and keep it simple.

This paragrphs,

"Fiftytwo," she answered meekly.

Should read, " 'Fifty-two," she answered meekly.' " Also, I question the word "meekly." That word means "Teachable"

From that point on you dialogue takes over. You really need to work on that. It just doesn't seem real.

Sorry.