Ask Wife About An Open Relationship

[Ryan29m]

My wife hasn't really been interested in sex since the first pregnancy, and with the second and third baby it's gotten worse. I still find myself wanting sex all the time and her not being interested a lot. I think an open relationship would benefit both of us(ok, proably me more, but still...)

I've only had sex with one other girl besides my wife and I'd really like to experience other women. How do I convince my wife that an open relationship is a good idea?

 

[emap]

Before you go hey baby let's swing, try something. Buy your wife flowers, get a babysitter and take her out on the town. Hold her hand, tell her how gorgeous she is and how much you love her. Don't talk about how you are dying to fuck her because it's been so long.

See this is a little something that is called post partum depression. She feels like a fucking ugly ass whale then there is a baby. Her whole world revolves around the baby, and she doesn't get her time. Toss in she feels ugly still, baby fat is not only for babies and most women tend to stay a little larger. Unless the husband, that's you, says baby you are gorgeous and better looking now every single day if not more, she drops lower into the depression.

This is the reason for helicopter mom's. She doesn't feel sexy, desirable, and wanted anymore and her whole life has been wrapped around the baby anyway, she stays there and annoys the fuck out of her kids. What I am saying is, act like you are dating her, seriously take her out on dates, be charming, sweet, all the shit that got her to fall for you in the first place. Sex will come back, at her pace.

 

[NightL]

How do I convince my wife that an open relationship is a good idea?

You could always castrate yourself to solve the problem. I wonder how she and your three children could convince you that is a good idea?

To avoid castration have you tried;
Communication
Love and support
Participation in family
Romance and that includes being empathic toward her position as a mother and no doubt the organiser of your family home life. So what changes can you make to participate, contribute and share in the aspects of life that may be demanding for your wife.
Take on household and family duties yourself to allow your wife the time to develop her own interests. (Never know, that may be finding a new satisfying partner for herself.)
Organise a surprise holiday. Have the children looked after by grandparents while you are away. If you can't do that due to time and financial restraints, then you are just wanting out - an open marriage will cost far more in time and finance (and much more). Organise baby sitters and have date nights out with your wife. You organise them, don't offer them up as a suggestion then expect her make it happen for you.
If all the above is in place, then move onto counselling, medical check overs and find a good sex therapist.

Don't be a wanker. If you love your wife, you make the self changes needed for her to find you appealing and desirable again. You make the changes for her to have the energy to look beyond school lunches and good grades for your children. If you are not prepared to do that then get out of the marriage completely and give her a chance to find someone that 'does it' for her.

You have three children and life has changed immeasurably for your wife yet you are in some kind of denial and want things to be the way they were pre-children. Organising three children and no doubt you as well is enough to be exhausting, if she has a career on top of that then with the attitude you displayed in your post she will find you very unattractive.

You wonder why you are not getting affection and sex? Look in the mirror.

 

[Que]

I can not picture a happy, fulfilling, sucessfull 'open' marriage that doesn't have a loving, vibrant, active sexlife between the two of you as it's underpinning.

...but I'll bite. Let's say there's a majic way to say, "hey, hunny...since you aren't using the D, would it be okay if I took him for a walk to meet the neighbors?"

How are you going to feel when it turns out that she is not opposed to sex she is just decided she doesn't want to have sex with you for whatever reason.

I'm not saying that just to be snarky. If you are more or less getting along with the mother of your children and as far as you know there aren't any deep seated resentments that she is expressing by with-holding sex....

...then the no sex part is salvageable. Barring medical issues, there aren't any insurmountable reasons that a woman who used to enjoy sex can not be seduced again.

You just aren't doing the things that rev her motor.

Pretend that she did say "Yes go out and get laid." Its been awhile for you. Do you have any idea how to approach a woman and get her interested in you in that way?

So, think that through: what would you do, how would you act, how would you present yourself as far as dress and grooming. Tell her some tall tales, make her laug, alcohol never hurts.

Practice your pick up skills on your wife. Trust me, you are rusty.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Oh I'm sure every wife just longs for the day when her husband casually drops into conversation that he wants to go fuck other women. I can almost picture the broad smile, warm embrace and enthusiasm for that one.

Of course, back in planet reality, oh dear. None of us really know the specifics of your situation, we don't know her nor what you've tried to do, if anything, to ignite passion in the bedroom. But it might be helpful if you furnish us with a bit more detail. But on face value it sounds like you want to have your cake, eat it and then ask for seconds.

 

[NightL]

Quite some post history you have there Ryan29m. Why don't you show your wife your posts here? I am sure it will start up a lively conversation.

 

[ACV]

How about you go off and do whatever you want, and you send your wife our way so we can show her what a wonderful woman she is for putting up with you?

 

[silverwhisper]

how about figuring out why she doesn't want it anymore first? why do people leap to "hey, i know, i'll fuck around instead of working on what's fucking wrong in the relationship"?

cuz it sounds like your relationship is shit right now. going to an open relationship isn't good for your marriage. suggesting it isn't good for your marriage.

get your priorities straight.

ed

 

[twister947]

I certainly don't object to handing out compliments and making someone feel good about themselves, but in a partnership of equals, there is a shared responsibility and obligation to maintain all aspects of a relationship. There is an implied contract when two people partner, and it binds both parties. Placing the entire burden of keeping the fires burning on one makes as much sense, and is as fair as designating certain household chores "woman's work."

 

[MeekMe]

Looking at your post history suggests your wife is already ok with an open relationship. sounds like you don't have to convince her.

 

[Eilan]

Looking at your post history suggests your wife is already ok with an open relationship. sounds like you don't have to convince her.

Online at any rate. Or so he says.

If the OP's wife has three small children, is running a household, and is already too tired for sex, then what does she get out of an open relationship? The OP will get to fuck with impunity, sure, but how will this arrangement benefit his wife?

 

[GiggLeGasm]

you first need to decide if you're willing to accept the consequences of your decision, regardless their impact.

you seem to think that your wife is a sexless creature, entirely immersed in the tasks of becoming a successful frumpy maternal housewife goddess. This could be true. She might appreciate some other woman taking you off her hands for a short bit. She might also resent the fact that you're not around to help care for the home and family, probably not a good way to secure your marital future.

but there is also the thought that she might find herself a lover as well.. and maybe he is only available Monday-Friday between the hours of 6 and 8 (his wife sets her own demands, you see). Are you prepared to take over the nightly duties of caring for your children, preparing dinner, putting toddlers to bed?

I'm not saying that I know your answer one way or the other. I do think it is important, however, to know what you're fishing for before you cast your bait.

 

[Bramblethorn]

How do I convince my wife that an open relationship is a good idea?

The fact that you're asking that particular question means it probably isn't a good idea.

Making non-monogamy work requires two-way communication and negotiation skills: being able to listen to your wife, hear what she needs, and figure out something that's acceptable to both of you.

Here you've already decided on the "solution" - which you've pretty much admitted is more about your needs than hers - and the only communication you're looking to do is "how do I sell it to her?"

It's quite possible that an open relationship is not something that's going to work for her. If that's the case, there's no magic cheat code that will reprogram her brain and make her okay with it, any more than she can reprogram yours to make you okay with the current situation. At "best" you might be able to pressure her into agreeing to something that she's not really comfortable with; that's a recipe for disaster and an ugly divorce down the road.

 

[MmmMadam]

I'm not against open relationships at all but your post reads very selfishly. Emap and NightL have raised some good points but have you considered your wife may just send you packing and on your way altogether if you ask her about it? There's actually more to consider than you just having sex.

Points to consider:
Is it actually the lack of sex (are you still attracted to your wife)? Or, do you simply want the authority to fuck other people?
How would you feel about someone else fucking your wife (because open relationships should be two way, it's not just a permit for you)?
Have you considered that if she agreed, there's a chances that maybe she will find someone who not only has sex with her but treats her and wines and dines her too.
If she were to find someone else, would you care?

If no to the last question then maybe, for both of you, it's not an open relationship that you need. Open relationships need close bonds, honesty, openness, people who are secure in theirselves, etc. At the moment, your relationship doesn't sound like that.

I think if you've not tried all the points raised in the two posts I mentioned alone, then maybe you should - again, that's if it is about lack of sex and not you wanting sex with others. Otherwise, counselling? Alternatively, I'm sure you will both find other people you deserve.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone should be in a marriage or relationship where they feel stuck, especially due to lack of sex but I'm not sure an open relationship will help your relationship.

 

[PreggoBitch]

You don't need to convince her of anything, you just need to talk to her.
My hubby went through a bad patch while I was expecting our first, whereas my sex drive soared. We talked about it, and decided to that it would be best for me to find a partner for sex. But I felt guilty with them. I got him to talk to the doctor and we had therapy to get to the reason why he had no drive.

Stress can be a major factor and you have three kids to think about. Don't pressure her, but gently remind her that you need physical love as well as emotional. Give her time, she'll come back to you

 

[NightL]

I've only had sex with one other girl besides my wife and I'd really like to experience other women. How do I convince my wife that an open relationship is a good idea?

Hi Jeremy / Ryan

Curious about the following in your profile;
Biography:
Married Swinger

actually I am not curious at all

 

[MrFoxwood]

It sounds like you're in approximately the same situation as me.

Given that your sexlife with your wife isn't great I'm going to assume that she was never that adventurous to begin with. So, what makes you think that now, when she feels shit and has 3 kids to look after, she'd entertain the idea of a husband who goes out to fuck other women? Like she doesn't have enough to worry about.

I think the absolute best you'd get is a reluctant agreement simply because she's too exhausted to argue with you, and then you have the slow collapse of your marriage to look forward to, with three kids witnessing all the bitterness and resentment you and your wife will fling at each other.

I know you're frustrated but this really isn't the way to go. Talk to your wife, express your frustration and your needs but be prepared for a long road to recovery on which you're doing a lot of the work.

 

[subwannabe]

Easy. Just find the right moment and ask her. Explain to her how it will benefit both of you. It either works out fantastic or you get to start looking for girl number 3.

 

[simplegirl]

If you have that much energy that you're focused on wanting to pursue other women, then you are not helping your wife enough with the children. Thank your lucky stars that she chose you to spend her life with and be the father of her children. Don't be a 4th child for her to take care of. HELP HER and she may have enough energy to be more amorous with you.

 

[smallgirl]

Easy. Just find the right moment and ask her. Explain to her how it will benefit both of you. It either works out fantastic or you get to start looking for girl number 3.

lol..good answer.

Sex will come back at her pace. You should have known this would happen, especially after three kids. Suck it up..most men live this too. Help her with the kids and the house...spoil her, pamper her, run her a frigging bath and give her the night off. Hire a babysitter, tell the grandparents they have to baby sit...etc.

If you are wanting an open marriage because you want to be with other women? You will probably end up paying child support.

 

[NiceNastyMann]

My wife hasn't really been interested in sex since the first pregnancy, and with the second and third baby it's gotten worse. I still find myself wanting sex all the time and her not being interested a lot. I think an open relationship would benefit both of us(ok, proably me more, but still...)

I've only had sex with one other girl besides my wife and I'd really like to experience other women. How do I convince my wife that an open relationship is a good idea?

Besides all the other advice you've received - ever think about going with your wife and see a doc? Post-partum depression, hormone issues - on top of being tired etc. may be an issue here too.

And I agree with most of the other posters here - looks like you are setting yourself up for divorce.

 

[firemanlit]

You might try a couple of the relationship forums for advice. Love Shack is one, although the response might not be what you want. Or I could give the x-wife's phone number. She should be over clap by now.

 

[Que]

You might try a couple of the relationship forums for advice. Love Shack is one, although the response might not be what you want. Or I could give the x-wife's phone number. She should be over clap by now.

Might be the best first post, ever.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Wifey is getting it from somewhere.

 

[Riles]

I'm not going to rip into you for wanting to end your dry spell..I'm not even going to tell you all the pitfalls of having an open marriage...nor am I going to question your posting history.

...all I want to know is what you would tell your own daughter to do if she came to you as am adult and told you her marriage was on the rocks due to a lack of ______, and her husband asked if he could start screwing other women to compensate.

What would your advice be?