Ask The Aro

[BiBunny]

This thread is a spin-off of a few posts made in the Blurt thread a couple of days ago. I'm just now getting a chance to put it up. I'm also putting it up today, on Valentine's Day, because I find it amusing.

The title of the thread is "Ask The Aro" because I'm aromantic, and I'm going to try to answer questions about it because a few people expressed interest. If you don't know what an aromantic is, then here's the definition given by AVENwiki:

An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others. Where romantic people have an emotional need to be with another person in a romantic relationship, aromantics are often satisfied with friendships and other non-romantic relationships. [....]

The aromantic attribute is usually considered to be innate and not a personal choice, just as the lack of sexual attraction is innate to asexuals. It is important to note that aromantics do not lack emotional/personal connection, but simply have no instinctual need to develop connections of a romantic nature. Aromantics can have needs for just as much empathetic support as romantics, but these needs can be fulfilled in a platonic way.

(I cut out parts of this definition because AVEN is really more of a site about asexuality, rather than aromanticism, and some of the stuff mentioned doesn't always apply.)


Amyway, aromanticism was originally a word that was coined by asexuals who were neither sexually nor romantically attracted to other people. Now it's (mostly) accepted as a separate phenomenon. You can be ace but not aro; you can be aro but not ace; you can be both; or you can be neither.

I, personally, am aro but not ace, or what is known technically as an "allosexual aromantic." I enjoy sex, but I don't feel any pulls whatsoever toward romantic relationships.

So, yeah, if you've never heard of this, or if you want to ask me some questions or whatever, feel free. Just understand that I don't appreciate dismissiveness, please and thank you. (I know most of y'all are wonderful and would never act that way, buuuuuuut....)

I'll try to answer all questions, but I may not be able to answer or fully cover them all. And I can only answer for myself, of course, not for the aro "community" at large.

 

[ecstaticsub]

Thank you for making yourself available to answer curious questions.

I haven't heard of the term aromantic before seeing you mention it. I knew some people weren't into flowers, or wooing, saving love letters and that sort of things but didn't realize there was a term for it.

Thanks for exposing me to something new.

So on to a couple questions..

Is there a difference for you between being in love and being in romantic love? Can you be in love or love someone with out romantic love?

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you for making yourself available to answer curious questions.

I haven't heard of the term aromantic before seeing you mention it. I knew some people weren't into flowers, or wooing, saving love letters and that sort of things but didn't realize there was a term for it.

Thanks for exposing me to something new.

So on to a couple questions..

Is there a difference for you between being in love and being in romantic love? Can you be in love or love someone with out romantic love?

I don't think I've ever been "in love" in the romantic sense. I have thought I was in the past, but now I realize I wasn't, really. And that probably had a lot to do with all my bizarre and unhealthy relationships, LOL. I was trying to make something be there when it wasn't.

However, I can and do love people, sans romance. I love my friends above all else, and I love my parents and my horses and so on.

Probably one of the best arrangements I've ever had was with a longtime friend of mine. We were what I guess most people would call "friends with benefits," but I kinda hate using that term because what it means to me and what it means to most people are nowhere near the same, but I don't really have a better way to describe it.

Anyway, we were good friends (are still, but just don't see each other as much anymore). We hung out a lot, sometimes by ourselves, but mostly with mutual friends. We went out and did things, like going out to eat, going to bars, etc. But it was never in a "date" type of way. Sometimes we had sex. It was never expected, though, and we would hang out, regardless of if there was going to be sex or not. Neither of us were ever upset if the other wasn't up for it. We'd just sit around and gossip about other people instead, LOL.

We'd sometimes go months or even years without having sex, but we'd still hang out, text, go to parties with our friends, go out to eat, go to plays together, and stuff like that. The sex part came and went, but the friendship was always there.

Sometimes, he was in a relationship. Sometimes, I was in one. Neither of us got jealous because we simply didn't feel that way about each other. And everything was fine.

I love my friend. I love him dearly. I like hanging out with him. I enjoyed having sex with him. Neither of us were ever romantically attracted to each other, but it never felt like we were just using each other to scratch various sexual itches between other hook-ups, either. It was just an organic friendship (i.e., we didn't just become "friends" because we were having sex) that occasionally involved sex. And to me, that's the ideal "relationship," for lack of a better word. My friends mean more to me than anything in the world, and friendship is the most important type of relationship to me.

Honestly, it's really hard to draw the line between actions that are "romantic" and not romantic, mostly because everybody's got their own definitions of what the word means. Some people would say that what my friend and I had was a relationship in the romantic sense of the term. But we didn't think so. (I suspect he's aro-spectrum, too.)

So, yeah, there's a big difference to me between what I think of as romantic love and what I feel when I say I love someone.

Anyway, that was a really roundabout way to (not) answer your question, wasn't it?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Anyway, that was a really roundabout way to (not) answer your question, wasn't it?

Your answer was very helpful, thank you. It help me to better understand someone I am starting to get to know.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don't think I've ever been "in love" in the romantic sense. I have thought I was in the past, but now I realize I wasn't, really.

...

Honestly, it's really hard to draw the line between actions that are "romantic" and not romantic, mostly because everybody's got their own definitions of what the word means. Some people would say that what my friend and I had was a relationship in the romantic sense of the term. But we didn't think so. (I suspect he's aro-spectrum, too.)

So, yeah, there's a big difference to me between what I think of as romantic love and what I feel when I say I love someone.

Anyway, that was a really roundabout way to (not) answer your question, wasn't it?

Yes, I think it is difficult to put your finger on this romantic love thing and I think that is the reason it is hard to talk about the role it plays in our relationships and the decisions we make about them.

I've wondered if being poly makes it harder to define romantic love for oneself and I wanted to ask you if and how you think being poly ties in to this?

 

[Cute3Kitty]

This thread is a spin-off of a few posts made in the Blurt thread a couple of days ago. I'm just now getting a chance to put it up. I'm also putting it up today, on Valentine's Day, because I find it amusing.

The title of the thread is "Ask The Aro" because I'm aromantic, and I'm going to try to answer questions about it because a few people expressed interest. If you don't know what an aromantic is, then here's the definition given by AVENwiki:





(I cut out parts of this definition because AVEN is really more of a site about asexuality, rather than aromanticism, and some of the stuff mentioned doesn't always apply.)


Amyway, aromanticism was originally a word that was coined by asexuals who were neither sexually nor romantically attracted to other people. Now it's (mostly) accepted as a separate phenomenon. You can be ace but not aro; you can be aro but not ace; you can be both; or you can be neither.

I, personally, am aro but not ace, or what is known technically as an "allosexual aromantic." I enjoy sex, but I don't feel any pulls whatsoever toward romantic relationships.

So, yeah, if you've never heard of this, or if you want to ask me some questions or whatever, feel free. Just understand that I don't appreciate dismissiveness, please and thank you. (I know most of y'all are wonderful and would never act that way, buuuuuuut....)

I'll try to answer all questions, but I may not be able to answer or fully cover them all. And I can only answer for myself, of course, not for the aro "community" at large.

I feel like I can relate to this. I have never been in relationships before but I have liked guys. I thought I was in love with someone before but now I realize that I really wasn't...I just wanted his attention. It seemed I make the mistake of thinking wanting attention = love. I never really understand love on a relationship level. I love my parents and family as well but whenever I think about relationships I don't think I really would be interested in love. I might be more interested in a physical or sexual relationship but that is about it. I always felt that I was weird in that way but this certainly changes things I suppose. Thank you for starting this thread. I will definitely drop by and ask some questions as this is a new concept to me.

 

[Primalex]

Would you have lived with your friend in a shared apartment, if there would have been non-relationship-based benefits like shared costs, ... , ...?

 

[BiBunny]

Thank y'all for your questions!

Bibunny, because you describe very clearly loving people ( I consider your houses as people, just not human ones, they have personalities, they are 'persons' ) in an unromantic way I am presuming it would also be possible for you to love in a parental way? ( whether or not you feel that drive being a separate issue from your aromatic ness?)

Honestly, I have no idea. I suppose in theory, it's possible, but I appear to have been born without any maternal instincts at all. Children annoy me at best. Couple that with the fact that I'd never inflict myself on some poor child as a mother (for multiple reasons), and we'll probably never find out.

I don't mind, though. It's not something I feel like I'm missing in my life. I feel like I lack the desire for a family (and the desire to bond much with my own family). Again, I don't mind, but it sure does seem to bother other people, though.

I'm not so sure my parent would describe their emotions this way. When attempted 'love'...familial love, seems tied to responsibility and duty over emotion. I have seesawed, wondered and confused if its aromanticism or a mild autism ( also makes hurtful jokey observations unintentionally: while they do not hurt me anymore, they still hurt others ) and then had long periods of minding my own business, but then a lot of trying to understand myself comes make to making peace with this. It could of course be both!

Oh, yes, could definitely be both! I'd say that a combination of the two is not exactly uncommon in either group.

Now, you seem very aware and sensitive to others, and I think pretty approachable, so as people, from what I know, really incredibly different.


So I guess my question is pretty much answered in your op.....your other family relationships are good.

This is actually more of a recent thing, TBH. My mother and I never got along for a long, long time. But both of us are on a lot more medication now than we used to be, so it makes things much easier.

How do you deal with others falling for you?

The "right" answer is that I should tell them kindly that I'm aromantic and that I appreciate it, but I unfortunately can't return their feelings, but would like to remain friends.

The actual answer is that I run like hell.

Yes, I think it is difficult to put your finger on this romantic love thing and I think that is the reason it is hard to talk about the role it plays in our relationships and the decisions we make about them.

I've wondered if being poly makes it harder to define romantic love for oneself and I wanted to ask you if and how you think being poly ties in to this?

This may very well have something to do with it.

It's funny that you mention the poly thing because after the "Oh...I'm aro" realization, I decided to stop calling myself "poly" and start using plain "non-monogamous" instead. It's really an insignificant little change, but since the poly community puts a huge emphasis on "Oh, poly is all about luuuuuv, not like those people that just like to sleep around or swingers or anybody like that," I felt like it was kind of intellectually dishonest to use it as a description of myself.

Not to mention that the poly "community" in general has an enormous chip on its shoulder. I mean, I know *why* they do, but that doesn't make it any less irritating.

I feel like I can relate to this. I have never been in relationships before but I have liked guys. I thought I was in love with someone before but now I realize that I really wasn't...I just wanted his attention. It seemed I make the mistake of thinking wanting attention = love. I never really understand love on a relationship level. I love my parents and family as well but whenever I think about relationships I don't think I really would be interested in love. I might be more interested in a physical or sexual relationship but that is about it. I always felt that I was weird in that way but this certainly changes things I suppose. Thank you for starting this thread. I will definitely drop by and ask some questions as this is a new concept to me.

You're welcome.

If you Google "aromantic" or "aromanticism," there's actually some fairly good information out there. A lot of it is still focused on aromanticism in the context of asexuality, though, so if you're an allosexual aro like me (which sounds like it could be the case), you'll have to take a lot of it with a grain of salt. I know aro-aces define their ideal relationships as "something that doesn't involve sex," but that's because of their asexuality, not their aromanticism. A person's desire to have sex has nothing to do with whether or not they feel romantic attraction to other people, so all the "the ideal relationship is friendship with no sex" stuff and the subtle (or sometimes not-so-subtle) sex-shaming is unnecessary and often irrelevant.

A lot of them still haven't figured that out yet.

Would you have lived with your friend in a shared apartment, if there would have been non-relationship-based benefits like shared costs, ... , ...?

I'd probably room with Charles Manson if it'd help with the rent.

No, seriously, I probably would have shared an apartment with him. It'd have been no different to me than living with some of my other friends as roommates, like I've done in the past, except for the fact that we might have sex occasionally.

My only requirement would have been that we'd each have to have our own bedrooms, though. I cannot for the life of me share my bed with anybody when I'm trying to sleep.

 

[Primalex]

I've wondered if being poly makes it harder to define romantic love for oneself

Uhm, no.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[IrisAlthea]

Uhm, no.

Or maybe just makes it different from the way mono people define it?

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Hi Bunny - thanks for this info. I am not familiar with ace or aro terminology, etc, but as soon as you put this up I definitely recognize a friend of mine. I don't think she really understand what she is, either. Mostly I think she feels broken for not having the same urges and needs as others.

I'm not sure if she is innately aro/ace, or if she has just imposed it upon herself, though. She says stuff like "relationships just aren't for me" and the same about sex. I'm never sure about her meaning, but does it matter if you suppress all romantic feelings and have no romantic relationships, or if you are simply incapable for another reason?

I guess what I'm asking is, if she is purposefully withholding, in your opinion and from things you have read, do you think that still is aro/ace? She ends up the same way, no desire for sex or a relationship, I'm also wondering if you can suggest a good website to help her sort it out?

 

[BiBunny]

Hi Bunny - thanks for this info. I am not familiar with ace or aro terminology, etc, but as soon as you put this up I definitely recognize a friend of mine. I don't think she really understand what she is, either. Mostly I think she feels broken for not having the same urges and needs as others.

I'm not sure if she is innately aro/ace, or if she has just imposed it upon herself, though. She says stuff like "relationships just aren't for me" and the same about sex. I'm never sure about her meaning, but does it matter if you suppress all romantic feelings and have no romantic relationships, or if you are simply incapable for another reason?

I guess what I'm asking is, if she is purposefully withholding, in your opinion and from things you have read, do you think that still is aro/ace? She ends up the same way, no desire for sex or a relationship, I'm also wondering if you can suggest a good website to help her sort it out?

There is a thing in the aro community that basically says that you can be aro now, even if you haven't always been, and it's also ok if you don't remain aro forever. Your identity *right now* as an aro is still valid. It's also said that you can be considered aro if you no longer feel romantic attraction due to trauma, exhaustion with relationships, etc. The definition is simply somebody who doesn't feel romantic attraction to others, regardless of the reason why.

So if all that's true (and the same thing is more or less said for asexuals, too), then I'd say your friend totally "counts." There's also an aro spectrum, just like there's an ace spectrum.

Also, I would say that if you feel comfortable with it and think it might be beneficial, you might think about mentioning it to your friend. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it was when I figured it out.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I wasn't some kind of monster like I'd been told before. I wasn't a horrible human being because I never understood the concept of "betrayal" when applied to romantic relationships. Betrayal, to me, is, like, treason or something. Not me having sex with other people when I made it clear from the beginning that I was not monogamous.

I heard so much of that shit for so many years. It felt so GOOD to find out that it's just a different mindset, not a personality flaw. Its nice knowing that you're not a sociopath, despite being accused of it more than once.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

There is a thing in the aro community that basically says that you can be aro now, even if you haven't always been, and it's also ok if you don't remain aro forever. Your identity *right now* as an aro is still valid. It's also said that you can be considered aro if you no longer feel romantic attraction due to trauma, exhaustion with relationships, etc. The definition is simply somebody who doesn't feel romantic attraction to others, regardless of the reason why.

So if all that's true (and the same thing is more or less said for asexuals, too), then I'd say your friend totally "counts." There's also an aro spectrum, just like there's an ace spectrum.

Also, I would say that if you feel comfortable with it and think it might be beneficial, you might think about mentioning it to your friend. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief it was when I figured it out.

Suddenly, it all made sense. I wasn't some kind of monster like I'd been told before. I wasn't a horrible human being because I never understood the concept of "betrayal" when applied to romantic relationships. Betrayal, to me, is, like, treason or something. Not me having sex with other people when I made it clear from the beginning that I was not monogamous.

I heard so much of that shit for so many years. It felt so GOOD to find out that it's just a different mindset, not a personality flaw. Its nice knowing that you're not a sociopath, despite being accused of it more than once.

I'm definitely going to tell her I think she might be relieved as well.
Suggested website? Or just Google it?

 

[BiBunny]

Gah, y'all, I'm so sorry. I thought I'd already replied to all the responses in the thread, but I didn't.

Bunny, thank you for discussing all of this.

You're most welcome. Thank y'all for all the questions!

I'm definitely going to tell her I think she might be relieved as well.
Suggested website? Or just Google it?

If you think she may be aro-ace, then AVEN's a pretty good one. You can look up all sorts of stuff on their Wiki. It's a site mostly about asexuality, but it does cover aromanticism (and is where I pulled the definition in my first post from). A lot of the information is, IMO, overly technical, but it can be helpful.

For people who are aro but not ace, the very best thing I can offer is allosexual-aro-specific Tumblr blogs. Because the term "aromantic" was created in the ace community, lots of people still believe that aromanticism exists only among asexuals or that allosexuals claiming the aro title is somehow wrong and a perversion of what they stand for, and blah, blah, blah, whatever, nobody cares about your ignorant opinions.

But the specific aro Tumblr blogs that separate aromanticism from asexuality are really helpful for non-ace aros.

And, yes, Google is very helpful as well. Said Tumblr blogs usually show up in the results. You can search "allosexual aromantic" or "asexual aromantic" or whatever applies.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

Thanks Bunny!