As Time Goes By

[cgraven]

This is a thread for Kineser and C G Raven, read and enjoy.

OOC: What if? How many times have we asked that very question? What if I had asked her out? Asked him out, what if I made the first move, told her /him how I really felt. Yes are lives are filled with and endless parade of “What If’s “.

This is a story of what if’s and a last chance. Will they take it of let this one last chance pass them by?

IC: Pat Hill

It had been years sense I had been back here, in this small provincial Canadian town. It was where I rally got my start. Where I learned to dream. Those days the 60’s the sexual; revolution was in full swing down in the Sates, but rural British Columbia sure wasn’t the States. When I thought of those days two faces came back to my mind, Ms. Thatcher my English teacher who had opened up the world of literature to me and taught me to dream the impossible dream, and Vanessa Lee who was my impossible dream. Yes Impossible because she was part Asian, and you just didn’t date her kind if you where a good kid, WW II and Korea where to fresh in everyone’s mind. Worst yet her mother was a Canadian Army nurse who had married one of them. Oh it was all right to go on school functions with Vanessa, to meet her at the dances but that was it. What if I had asked her out dated her as I had longed to? I didn’t but Mike Hanks did and he married her. Mike the devil make care football player who went to Kingston won his commission and was a Lt. Colonel in the Canadian Air Force. I heard he had been killed in “Desert Strom”. “Friendly Firer” and she was back in Moose Jaw.

Me 54 a Jaded software tycoon, bald as a cue ball but a rather striking fellow If I did say so myself, no giant at 5’ 11” and 185 lbs. but athletic. I had kicked about a lot sense those days but had never found “Miss Right”. It seemed my portfolio was the main attraction. Hell What If I’d asked Vanessa out instead of it being Mike?

The cable had said that Ms. Thatcher was fading fast and I had to see her one last time to say “Thank You”.

 

[Kineser]

Vanessa

Vanessa Lee was born from a Canadian mother who worked as a nurse in Asia during WWII. Her father was a Chinese army colonel, captured by the Koreans, wounded and tortured. He escaped and was rescued by her unit, and she helped nurse him back to health, and they fell in love with each other. Instead of going back to China, he asked for political asyllum, being fed up with communism. Back in Canada, they married and had 3 daughters. Vanessa was their youngest.

She grew up as an outcast of society, a half race despised by the Caucasians, but also not favored by the handful of Asians in their town. Vanessa was bright and showed it by her excellent results. She also grew into a very pretty girl in her teens, with her father's dark hair and delicate features, but her mother's skin and stature. In highschool, she was an enigma to her friends, smart, beautiful Vanessa, but still just not the right girl you took back home to meet your parents.

Pat Hill was one of them. She thought she loved him and thought he loved her. But all they'd ever done was look at each other with soulful eyes, banter around with a bunch of other kids, go on school picnics and school dances. Then, when they graduated, he left town to study in the US.

But Mike Hanks was there, good reliable old Mike, the dashing football captain. He had always come to her rescue when the other kids made an issue of her ancestry, and he was the one who invited her to the prom dance, and every school dance afterwards. Mike was also the one who professed his love to her and asked her to marry him, when he graduated from college. And she accepted, knowing that Pat was lost to her. She cared about Mike, and loved him for loving her and the three kids he gave her.

But then, as a Lt. Colonel in the Air Force, he had to go fight in the Gulf War, and all that came back was his photograph, a flag and a commendation. Vanessa was left taking care of her 3 children, 2 boys and a girl, all in their teens now. Lucky she had a job. After highschool, she'd trained as nurse, following in her mother's footsteps. When she married, she quit her job in the hospital and became a home care or private nurse, taking care of the sick and elderly in their own homes. She'd been doing this for years now , and her patients vied for her services, along with the altered perception of Asians and Eurasians by the community. She was now a highly thought of, competent mother and nurse.

~~~~~~~~~~

One of her patients nowadays, was old Ms. Thatcher, her English teacher in highschool. She was the one who pulled her up when she was feeling down, and pushed her into persuing a carreer of her own.

In her seventies, she was suffering from heart disease on top of diabetes and hypertension. Rail thin, her hair all white, she looked so frail lying in her bed. But when she opened her eyes, they twinkled like stars on a cloudless night. Yes, she was very much alert and aware of her surroundings.

Vanessa hurried down the garden path to the back door. Pushing it open, she called cheerily: "Good morning, Thatchie!" Ms. Thatcher's rasping voice was just as cheery when she replied: "Morning Vannie." Then, as she bathed and helped her old teacher to dress, eat and take her medicine, they chatted about everything. Just before Vanessa was going to leave, she said: "Oh, Vannie, I got a phone call yesterday. You remember Pat Hill, do you? He's coming to see me this afternoon, around the time you come for my evening 'meal'".

Vanessa was bending down, straightening the bedsheets when she said that, and suddenly her heart was beating fast. "Pat? Pat Hill is in town? When did he arrive? What is he doing here?" "Oh, he came yesterday and wants to visit his old crone of a teacher," she laughed happily, "Seems he still remembers all the times I had to make him write a hundred sentences a day."

She looked with open mouth at her patient: "Do you know how he is doing? Is he married? Where does he live now? And what does he do?" A shrewd look came into Ms. Thatcher's eyes, as she thought: "Ah girl, I see you still hold a torch to his name." Vanessa's face reddened under her scrutiny, but she kept looking at her. "Let me see, for one thing, I'm not sure if he's married or engaged or free. He didn't tell me. He said he's dabbling in software and is doing pretty well. You can ask him all these questions yourself, my dear, since I want you to be here when he comes." Seeing Vanessa was about to protest, she added: "I need you to prepare and pour tea for us, you know I can't do that myself," and that silenced her.

That afternoon, Vanessa stopped at the bakery to buy a coffee cake, before she went to Ms. Thatcher's. She was dressed in a sea green blouse, with a darker green skirt. Her slim and trim 5'5 body looked very youthful in spite of her 50 years.

 

[cgraven]

The train rolled trough the night bring me back to the long remember past and an uncertain future. God she had always challenged him from the 1st day he had walked into her class, never accepted second best, always demanded my best effort, demanded things I did not know that I was capable of, she had always seen beyond the geek glasses, and brought out the best in me. Her words had stung and brought tears to my eyes and I wept like a baby.

“Pat Doc Parsons was by earlier today, says I’ve only got a month or so left…….No stop that you silly boy I have had a wonderful life and a great time of it…….The only regret I have is that you and Vannie where such idiots….You two loved each other and never had the gumption to even ask for a date……..Now you get your little but up here so I can say good by in my own way.”

I walked in her door calling “Ms. Thatcher it is that scrawny geek come to see you”

I stopped dead in my tracks, “Vannie is that really YOU?”

Sea green blouse, with a darker green skirt, green had always been her color. Hell how could a mother of 50 look so much like a woman in her 30’s. Hell I must look like a dottering old cogger to her.

 

[Kineser]

Vanessa

Vanessa looked and couldn't believe what she was seeing. The 'scrawny geek' of their youth had turned into a well built man of 50. It was clear that despite a balding pate, he took very good care of himself, going to the gym and all that. His once handsomely boyish face was still handsome, now with crow's feet at the corner of his eyes, hairs greying at the temple, thinning on top.

Her heart beat fast in her chest when she saw his eyes looking at her soulfully, the way he used to so long ago. Oh she knew that he was in love with her, and she was in love with him too, but girls would never approach boys and profess their feelings in those days. If the boy let the moment pass, the chance was gone. And she passed into the heart and arms of another.

She smiled and said: "Yes, it is, Geek, and is that really you?" She stretched out her hand for him to shake.

 

[cgraven]

Pat Hill

"Yes, it is, Geek, and is that really you?" Vannie stretched out hand.

As I took her hand I caught a hint of that sparkle in her eyes.

Her eyes I guess they were what I remembered most, how they could hold you in there dark depth, light up your day, as they laughed in wonderment, or shared a secret. I had been a fool then, I had let her slip away.

I took her hand and brushed he lips with a tender longing kiss.

“Vannie “Geek”, well I never………as I remember it I was charming, studious, and a trend setter.”

We lapsed into an awkward silence avoiding the one question neither one us wanted to face.

‘Vanessa how bad is Ms. Thatcher.”

 

[Kineser]

Vanessa

"Thatchie is not doing so well, but she holds her own. Doc Parsons said she doesn't have much time left, her heart is wearing out." She answered in a low tone.

"Vannie, is that Pat out there? Let him come in!" Thatchie's raspy voice came from the room.

"You go in, I'll make tea. Or would you like coffee?" Vannie told Pat.

As she left him to go to the kitchen, her eyes sparkled and there was a spring in her step. Unconsciously, she hummed a song:"Somewhere my love, there will be songs to sing, although the snow covers the hope of spring....", as she prepared tea and cut the cake.

 

[cgraven]

I smile to my self she was still on hell of a woman with the grace and beauty that would turn the head of any man half my age. Zavago still the romantic Vannie, I had to give it to Mike he had always seen it and he knew what he wanted and went for it, while I was to scared to ask her for even a dance. Those “What If’s” this is one that had haunted me all my life leaving me discounted with any of the women that had drifted through my life. What if I…………..

“Tea would be fine Vannie, acquired a taste for it when I lived in Singapore.”

“Coming Ms. Thatcher. How many lines must I write out today?”

I kept my voice light and airy thought my heart was heavy

 

[Kineser]

As she waited for the water to boil, she thought about those long ago days, when she and Pat and Mike were still teenagers. She remembered the only time she'd ever danced with Pat, to Dr. Zhivago's Lara's Theme. Not that he'd asked her, he was too shy for that, in those days only the boldest boys would ask her to dance. It was on one of their school's dances, when one of the teachers called out: "Change partners!" and they'd had to change partners every time the song changed. There had been some jostling and pushing, as boys vied for a place close to the more popular girls, so that she would fall in his arms at the next change of partners. Vannie was not one of the popular girls, although she was pretty enough and boys looked at her from afar, but she was an outcast, a different race. Pat used to look at her a lot, with his soulful eyes and half smile. She never knew what he was thinking, but it made her cheeks burn and her heart would beat faster.

Now as the song changed, suddenly Pat was in front of her, holding out his arms: "Vannie, may I have this dance?" And she glided into his arms to the strains of Lara's Theme. She remembered the words, that were so bitter sweet. "Someday we'll meet again my love, someday whenever the spring breaks through...."

The kettle gave off a loud whistle making her jump. Quickly she poured the water into the pot and carried the laden tray to Thatchie's room. She heard Thatchie's giggle and Pat's laughter when she neared the room.

 

[cgraven]

Ms. Thatcher was frail and worn from her long life as an educator, a shadow of the vibrant young blond teacher that had us all panting in foolish boyhood fantasies.

“No lines today Pat.”

Her voice a raspy whisper, her frail hand was on mine and drew me to sit on the edge of her sick bed.

“So tell me all the goings on here in Moose Jaw. Sense last I saw you.”

Ms. Thatcher’s face became very serious.

“Pat I am tired of watching you and Vannie run away from the love you both know is there…….It has always been there but the two of you would never do anything about it.”

I looked away not wanting to admit the truth of what she said.

“Pat I made the same mistake once……. The war was only a year old and I feel in love with a young Engineering Officer of the “Royal 22nd “engineers. He wanted to marry me. But he was French Canadian & Catholic and I was a good “Church of Canada” Protestant……. He was killed at Sword beach in 1944. he was the only man I ever loved … his mother sent me the “Victoria Cross “ he won that day……Pat I want you to have it as a reminder that to it takes courage to love another.”

On was on the verge of answering when Vannie came in with tea.

 

[Kineser]

She sensed that the laughter and mood from before had changed to a serious, even solemn one. Fearing that she was trespassing, Vannie put down the tray, then disappeared back to the kitchen to fetch some napkins.

She remembered how she'd drawn two hearts pierced by and arrow, the initial V and P on each of the hearts. How she'd quickly hidden it and later ripped to shreds the piece of paper she'd drawn it on.

She also remembered Mike, the footbal captain, tall and handsome, and every girl's dream. How he's always come to her resque when the other kids were being unkind to her, calling her a 'Chink" or a 'Bastard' or a 'Halfbreed', as if she was not human, or not born of legally from church wed parents.

It was Mike who had found her crying by the stream in the woods at the back of her house, when she found out that Pat had left for America to study. He never even came to say goodbye. And although they'd never spoken of love or promises, she thought that Pat's eyes had said enough. Why then had he left without asking her to wait for him?

Although she told Mike that she got something in her eye, she felt that Mike knew the real reason she was crying. But he never mentioned it, never showed his jealousy of Vannie's feelings for Pat. He only stayed doggedly by her side, always showing how much he cared for her, how much he loved her.

Slowly she'd come to love him too, although just the mention of Pat's name would send her heart into a gallop. Slowly she learned to forget Pat. And when she graduated from college, she married Mike. Mike had called her 'his special girl', telling her how much he loved her.

But then Mike got killed in the Gulf War, and she was left alone. Especially since the children left for college one by one.

~~~~~~~~~
Napkins in hand, Vannie came back and started to pour the tea.

 

[cgraven]

Vannie brought the Tea and set it down, gone before a word could be said, as if a ghost, or shade, present and yet not.

“I’ll be if the two of you don’t stop this foolish right now Pat I don’t what I’ll do.”

“Vannie…….Vanessa don’t leave me with this oaf of a boy….He has been in the States to long……. and has always been clumsy to boot girl.”

There had always been a gentle compelling quality to Ms. Thatcher’s Voice.

“Pat don’t let your life become a litany of “What IF’s and regrets. ”

 

[Kineser]

Vannie handed Ms. Thatcher, who was sitting up in her bed, her tea. Then she poured for Pat and handed it to him, their eyes meeting over the cup, looking deeply into each other's soul. Their fingers touched, and it was as if a current went through her.

Quickly she poured herself a cup and sat down. She didn't want the others to see how her hands were shaking.

She knew that Ms. Thatcher had asked Pat to come, he'd always been one of her favorite students. But now the real reason she wanted him here was becoming clear. Although she did care for Patrick, that was a long time ago. Now she wasn't sure how she felt about him.

Oh, she was happy and excited to see an old friend. But did she still love him? She didn't know. And in her heart she was resenting Thatchie's meddling, because it upset her world.

 

[cgraven]

We spent a pleasant afternoon of tea and conversation; light airy as we remembered times long gone by. There was an animation in Ms. Thatcher that I had not seen in many a year. Vannie was quite almost preoccupied, distant, and distracted joining in only rarely.

Evening was drawing near Vannie had cleared away the tea service and Ms. Thatcher was dozing as I rambled on. Suddenly something seemed wrong, very wrong. She hadn’t spoken in over twenty minutes.

“Ms. Thatcher?”

Her face peaceful and calm her eyes blankly staring, she laid there in peace. A tear trickled down my face, the “Victoria Cross” she had intend to me clutched to her heart. God I hoped she was with her love at last.

“Vannie come here I think you need to call Dr. Parsons, Ms Thatcher is gone.”

 

[Kineser]

“Vannie come here I think you need to call Dr. Parsons, Ms Thatcher is gone.”

Oh no, and here she was, having resentful thoughts about Thatchie, while she must only been having the best of intentions.

Vannie hurried to the bed, once more the efficient nurse, and took Ms. Thatcher's pulse and blood pressure. It was very low, the blood pressure, and the pulse hardly there. Quickly she dialled Dr. Parsons, and after explaining the situation, she called an ambulance.

She seemed to have forgotten Pat, who stood quietly in the background while Dr. Parsons examined Ms. Thatcher and later when the ambulance took her away to the hospital.

But then they were alone, and Pat said

 

[cgraven]

“Vannie Ms. Thatcher didn’t want us to make the same mistake she made, did she ever tell you about Cat. Jean Taugas,?....she knew I had deep feeling for you back then but she never knew about my dad…………..”

I swallowed hard I hadn’t though about those days in years. Hell back then, as know the last thing you wanted to talk a bout where your folks, they of course where old, out of touch with the modern world and a constant source of embarrassment. But my Dad was different. A tear trickled down my cheek at the scalding memory.

He had joined the Canadian forces in 38’ to support Gram, it was the end of the Great Depression and Grampas stilled suffered from the results of a Gas attack back in 1918. Dad was stationed in Malaya ended up as prisoners of the Japanese. He had a real hatred for them and made no bones about. He rant about your mother being a slut for marring a Jap, Chink, made no difference to him, and that if he ever caught me stepping out with their bastard cure he shoot her and any pups she might be carrying.

"I took the cowards way out, kept my distance and ran away to the States for college. If I couldn't see you, be near you, then I wanted to get as far away as possible. But you where always there at the back of my mind a nagging ......."

"What If"

 

[Kineser]

Her head bent, tears trickled down from her eyes, now that she finally understood why Pat had never come forward to confess his love for her.

"It's OK, Pat, I understand. Because you left without a word, I took the next best offer. Mike really did love me, and he was a good father for our children."

 

[cgraven]

My face crimson with shame.

“Vannie Mike was not the next best offer, he was the real thing, gave you great kids, and gave you all his love…………….. He faced his family, the town and the world head on defying them, just as he played football all or nothing, ….Vannie he was the best man and loved you above all…never forget that!”

I took Vannie into my arms, her tears seeping through my shirt, mine mingling with her soft lustrous hair. My hand gently stroking her hair as the bitterness and regret of the pass was washed away by those same bitter tears.

 

[Kineser]

"I'm sorry Pat, I didn't mean to put Mike down. He was truly a most wonderful man. He knew that I was waiting for word from you, but he didn't mind. He stood by me through thick and thin, defying his parents and everything everybody said against me. But most of all he really loved me. He could have had any girl in school and in college, but he still came back to me. And all the time I was onl;y thinking why it couldn't have been you." Her tears were soaking through his shirt as she sobbed her tale out.

"I learned to love him later, and we had a good life. War is so cruel, he was taken away too soon, never having the chance to see his sons become men, and his daughter become a bride....."

He kept stroking her hair, cooing soft words of comfort to her. Once in a while, he landed a kiss on her brow.

"And now Thatchie is dying. She is the only person closest to me since my parents passed away. Now that my children are away from home, I often feel so lonely. I would come over and talk with her until she falls asleep. I even have a room here, because sometimes I just don't feel like going home, and she said to regard her guest bedroom as mine. Oh Pat, what am I gonna do?"

 

[cgraven]

God the past and all are stupid mistakes came flooding back to us. It was the 1st time we had put into words the feelings that had so both brought the first flushes of love and the realization we had let others rob us of it, no not others but ourselves, are own fear we had done it to ourselves . That was what Ms. Thatcher had so desperately been trying to tell us.

“Vannie Ms. Thatcher has been trying all these years that we can not live our lives for others or but we have to live our lives for ourselves, to be kind to ourselves, and to hell with the rest of the world if it causes them a problem.”

I tilted Vannie chin up brushing a tear from her cheek with my thumb. Searching her eyes I bent my lips to hers and chastely kissed her a kiss that was way over due.

 

[Kineser]

Pat's kiss was like fire on her lips, making her heart beat a tattoo, and spirals of electricity running up and down her spine.

It had been a few years since any man had kissed her, not since Mike passed away, and the floodgate of feelings overflowed. She felt herself becoming wet, and relished the feeling, although she slowly extricated herself feom Pat's embrace.

"Pat, you haven't told me about yourself. What are you doing now? Are you married?"

 

[cgraven]

Vannie her lips on mind as our first kiss lingers.

"Pat, you haven't told me about yourself. What are you doing now? Are you married?"

“About me Vannie home town boy makes good. Local nerd becomes software design tycoon. Well the not a real the high profile job people think, no jet setting, just long hard hours of work, but they where good times creating.

Married you ask yes I was not as happy as yours and Mikes though actually just the opposite………….”

he never really talked much about her these days or even think of her is was easier that way, the cowards way again.

They had met while he was working in New York promoting his new computer security softy ware. Oh there had been some success in the gaming market but now it was time to take on the big boys, IBM, PRIME, & WANG. A chance encounter at a meeting. Well one thing led to another and a year later then wed. It was a grand passion, working together, arguing, and then making up.

Three kids Jim the oldest 26, Kate the youngest at 20. Mike well he was in the middle and a loner.

“In the end Vannie she just decided the kids and I where expendable……..You see she went to find herself……………Left the kids……………I divorced her, that was ten years ago.”

 

[Kineser]

"I'm very sorry about that, Pat. But your kids are OK are they? With you as father, I'm sure they must be. Funny that we both have 3 kids, they must be about the same age. My Rick is 25, Jeff is 23 and Ann 21."

Suddenly finished pouring their hearts out, they sat there awkwardly. Then Vannie got up and said: "Pat, it's getting dark. Will you have dinner with me? We can go to my cottage and I'll make you a simple meal, or we can go to a restaurant in the next town where they have good steaks. After dinner we can go to the hospital and see how Thatchie is doing."

 

[cgraven]

I start to say Vanessa no that’s all right I’ll meet you at the hospital. Yet Ms. Thatcher’s words come back to haunt me. Will my life always be a litany of What If's? My heart is pounding in my chest like a Jack hammer.

“Vannie I’d love to.”

Where this would lead, or if it would lead anywhere I did not know, for who could know what the future held. I was certain this time I would not walk away in silence.

 

[Kineser]

Still feeling awkward with each other, they opted to eat out, to be on neutral ground. Although it was certain that the feelings they once had for each other was still there, so much had happened in between, that they were both unsure of themselves and each other.

As Pat'd come by train, Vannie asked him to drive her car, while she sat in the passenger seat. She'd changed into a pair of pants and a thick green pullover, as the nights were still very cold. Pat adjusted the heater, as Vannie found some Oldies music on the radio. Their hands briefly touched, and both pulled back as if stung.

They sat in silence, listening to the songs that they used to hear a long time ago.

It is the evening of the day, I sit and watch the children play
Smiling faces I can see, but not for me
I sit and watch, as tears go by....

 

[cgraven]

I was confused one moment an invitation for a home cooked meal. Vannie seemed to regret to offer as soon as it was made I could see it in her eyes.

“Vannie you’ve had a hard day may be it would be easier just to grab a bite out, you need some time to unwind yourself.”

The words where meant to comfort, to ease the conflicting emotions, playing across the shadowed depth of her eyes. The was a sadness in my heart as we drove silently along to the road house for are first meal together sense the school cafeteria.

Vanessa sat in the passenger seat. She'd changed into a pair of pants and a thick green pullover. My eyes stealing glances a this our only intimate moment, she was at ease, I presented no threat to her in her mind. An Oldies station’s music on the radio;

It is the evening of the day, I sit and watch the children play
smiling faces I can see, but not for me
I sit and watch, as tears go by....

Recalling days gone by and the reality of lives spent a part, of Children the physical expression of a shared life and love, of tragedy, for Vanessa the cruel fate of war, for me a love that drifted and was lost in Patty’s self absorbed life, where their was no place for her children and our love.

Dinner was a strained affair of small talk as we talked around, what was really on both of our minds, “So what now……Where do we go from here?”.

The phone call and the tear that rand down her cheek.

“What s the matter Vannie?”

There was a fear that griped my heart at what her answer might be.