As suggested by tickledkitty...

[EvieRoak]

I am posting this to the Story Feedback forum instead of Authors' Hangout. Rather silly of me to start it there, I realize now.

So, hello there! I've been writing erotica for my own entertainment and exploration since, well, since I started thinking about naughty things. After some prodding from my two dedicated readers/friends, I decided to post one of my less personal stories here.

I'd love some thoughts and reviews, if you have the time. Here is the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=377248

Also, I am wondering how much stock I should put in the rating system. What would you consider 'good'?

Thanks,
Evie R.

 

[FernieLyn]

Hi! I've read your story. Btw, the link you gave is wrong. Here's the right one:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=377248

You kept changing from past to present tense. I wasn't really sure what tense you wanted to write in, since every so often, it would change. I was also bothered by the lack of dialogue, especially at the first part. A back story would have been nice. Some paragraphs were also long; try to keep them at ~6 lines. Maybe you could get a volunteer editor to look over your next story; he/she will help you with tense (and other) issues. Take a look at the Editor's forum. Congratulations on posting your first story. Good luck!

 

[Anna_Malia75]

Two things. First, the sex scene has too many commas. All of your sentences in that part seem to go on and on, with one clause after another. Try some shorter sentences. Readers get lost in one long sentence after another, so it might be a good idea to alternate.

Second, you need to spend more time at the beginning working it into a real story. You spend the first three paragraphs "telling" us about her view of the new guy. Instead, consider "showing" us what she thinks, maybe through dialogue with one of the other team members. This not only slows your story down, it also gives us a chance to get to know your main character a little better.

Third - okay, three things - your dialogue attribution needs work.

The sound of the door startles her out of her dozing, "Coach? Is that you?"

He looks her over, "I think you need another bath, young lady."

Both of these are actually two separate sentences. They should be separated with at least a period and probably an entire paragraph.

You have a very sensual tone in your writing that will serve you well here. Slow down and apply it to the whole story, not just the sex.

Anna

 

[tickledkitty]

I certainly didn't mean to embarrass you, Evie. It's good to introduce yourself in the AH. I just meant that there are people over here who are waiting to critique stories.

Anyway, good luck to you.