Article: O, those kooky Brits, part IV (anti-claus)

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Merriment Is Toned Down as the Grinches Gain on Santa - LIZETTE ALVAREZ, NY Times

LONDON, Dec. 12 - Santa Claus, or Father Christmas, as they call him here, has fallen victim to 21st-century notions in Britain. So far this holiday season he has been tainted by parental fears of sexual abuse, marginalized by corporate misgivings about liability and shoved aside by runaway commercialism (which he helped invent in the first place) - not to mention being accosted by teenage toughs on the street.

"It's madness," said James Lovell, the director of a school for Santas run by the Ministry of Fun, a marketing and public relations firm in London that supplies Santas to the stores.

The school has been hard hit by the Santa slump this year.

Mr. Lovell expects that its enrollment by the end of Christmas will be 300, compared with 600 at the comparable time three years ago. The Santa spirit, typically found thriving in shopping malls and major department stores, has been evicted by the retailers' determination to fill every inch of space with merchandise.

"It's all very competitive these days, and they feel they can make more money sticking up more shelves and more products," Mr. Lovell said. "But another reason is that Christmas starts much earlier these days. Some stores are putting up decorations by September. It's too much of a good thing. If you have Champagne every night of your life, you will probably get bored of it after a while."

Here in London, shoppers will not find a single Santa Claus house - a so-called grotto - inside any of the hundreds of stores that line Oxford Street, the city's busiest shopping destination. In fact, with few exceptions, it is not easy to have a sit-down with Santa anywhere in the city.

A children's shop named Daisy & Tom in Chelsea, one of the few places where parents can book a visit with Santa in advance, had no slots left from Dec. 10 to the big day. It does not get much better outside the city, with most other regions also reporting declines in Santa grottoes.

It is no wonder that the experience of visiting Santa at Harrods, the luxury department store with a fullfledged grotto, delivers all the cheer of a rugby scrum in the mud. People line up outside in the cold before opening hours and then sprint through the doors the moment they open. Parents dash up the escalators, thwacking elbows, body checking their competitors and dragging their children behind them, only to line up again for hours inside the store.

Even when a Santa - who has cleared criminal checks - can be found in his house, the setup does not necessarily inspire misty-eyed nostalgia. At the St. Elli Shopping Center in Llanelli, Wales, Santa's lap is off limits; children now sit on a bench next to him, a move aimed at appeasing jittery parents, corporations and Santa himself.

But that's not all. The frosted glass that decorated the house last year was scraped off to provide better sight lines so a newly installed camera can record Santa's every move. "It's peace of mind for the parents and for Santa," said Gilmore Jones, the manager of St. Elli Shopping Center. "Things happen. We didn't mean to be drastic, nothing of the sort."

Santa's house is still popular, and the children do not mind the camera at all, he said. "They think it's a cracking idea," Mr. Jones said. On second thought, he added, wistfully, "People have said it's sad, but they can understand why it's done."

Up north in Scotland, Santa has confronted bigger problems. Every year for decades Santa Claus has ridden down every single street in Clackmannanshire, collecting money for charity. Two years ago, though, he and his elves were set upon by an expletive-shouting gang of 40 teenage thugs who hurled stones, some as big as potatoes.

"We had to kill the lights and music and speed out of the area," Douglas Richmond, one of the elves, told the BBC. "We had to get away as fast as we could. Someone could have had an eye out."

So spooked was Santa that last year's event was canceled. This year Santa is staying put at one location in each village of Clackmannanshire while an unmarked police car is parked conspicuously nearby. The charity collection, sponsored by the social club the Round Table, has been sidelined.

"Rather than risk the collectors or Santa getting injured," said Len Harvey of the Round Table, "we decided not to carry on that way."

Santa did get a vote of confidence in the December issue of Psychiatric Bulletin, in which Dr. Lynda Breen wrote that Santa does more than delight children with presents; he also teaches them right and wrong by keeping the dreaded naughty and nice list.

"Teaching children about Santa is a useful ace up a parent's sleeve, as it encourages their moral development," Dr. Breen wrote.

Of course, her spirited defense of Santa drew equal measures of vilification. "What example of family bonding does Santa Claus set, deserting his wife and kids on Christmas Eve for an all-night house crawl," Francis Wheen, the author of "How Mumbo-Jumbo Conquered the World" (published in America with the title "Idiot Proof"), wrote in The Sunday Telegraph.

"As for teaching the value of sharing," Mr. Wheen said, "has Dr. Breen never witnessed sisters and brothers comparing gifts to see who's been shortchanged?"

All the bad news may be getting to Santa. This week in Newtown, Wales, 30 Santas followed up a Santa race for charity with far too much ale at the local pub. It ended in a drunken brawl, quelled by police officers with batons and spray canisters. Five inebriated, disheveled Santas were cuffed and hauled off to jail.
 
ah well... another tradition bites the dust... a sad and lingering death.
not that i condone sitting on a strange man's lap and telling him my hearts desire but still...
*le sigh*
 
Never mind, Vella.

I still do my Santa Claus act. You would be a change from the usual three to five year olds who get very excited about meeting me.

I have to do my 'Ho! Ho! Ho!'s mf instead of ff. ff causes tears.

Og the considerate Claus.
 
oggbashan said:
Never mind, Vella.

I still do my Santa Claus act. You would be a change from the usual three to five year olds who get very excited about meeting me.

I have to do my 'Ho! Ho! Ho!'s mf instead of ff. ff causes tears.

Og the considerate Claus.

oh Og, i bet you make the bestest santa ever and i would be more than happy to bounce on your lap, telling you my most secret desires

however,
im not sure what you mean by mf instead of ff... male female??
 
vella_ms said:
oh Og, i bet you make the bestest santa ever and i would be more than happy to bounce on your lap, telling you my most secret desires

however,
im not sure what you mean by mf instead of ff... male female??

mf=mezzoforte (moderately loud)
ff=fortissimo (the loudest possible)

ff I use for persuading sailors to reef sails in a gale. ff 'Ho,Ho,Ho's rattle windows over a wide area and cause little people to burst into tears - not a good thing for a Santa Claus to do.

Og
 
Ogg, you made me grin. I too only thought of male-female and fem-fem, and wondered what you meant. I'm sure I'll larf out of place someday when having a serious conversation about opera with someone.

Perdita :)
 
Perdita,

I hope that you will do more than a grin when we sing this:

On Ilkley Moor Baht 'At


Wheear 'as tha been since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at.

I were a coortin' Mary Jane

Tha's bahn to get thi death o' cold

Then we shall ha' to bury thee

Then t' worms 'll come an' ate thee up

Then t' ducks 'll come an' ate up t' worms

Then we shall come an' ate them ducks

Then we shall all 'av etten thee

That's how we get our oahn back




You will be expected to learn the words and join in.

Og
 
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oggbashan said:
Perdita,

I hope that you will do more than a grin when we sing this:

On Ilkley Moor Baht 'At


Wheear 'as tha been since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at.

I were a coortin' Mary Jane

Tha's bahn to get thi death o' cold

Then we shall ha' to bury thee

Then t' worms 'll come an' ate thee up

Then t' ducks 'll come an' ate up t' worms

Then we shall come an' ate them ducks

Then we shall all 'av etten thee

That's how we get our oahn back




You will be expected to learn the words and join in.

Og
I sang that one after morris dancing, during the "more ale" part of the practices.
 
oggbashan said:
Perdita,

I hope that you will do more than a grin when we sing this:

On Ilkley Moor Baht 'At


Wheear 'as tha been since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
Wheear 'as tha bin since ah saw thee?
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at,
On Ilkley Moor baht 'at.

I were a coortin' Mary Jane

Tha's bahn to get thi death o' cold

Then we shall ha' to bury thee

Then t' worms 'll come an' ate thee up

Then t' ducks 'll come an' ate up t' worms

Then we shall come an' ate them ducks

Then we shall all 'av etten thee

That's how we get our oahn back




You will be expected to learn the words and join in.

Og
Here, here!

But note that renderings of the dialect vary somewhat. I live in the next dale to Ilkley (Airedale, over the moor from Wharfedale, though born nearer to where J-L lives) and my versions of the verses would be:

Wheer 'as t'a bin sin' ah sor thee?
Tha's bin a-coortin' Mary Jane
Tha's bahn to catch thi deerth a col'
Then we s'll 'a' ta bury thee
Then t' worms'll come an' ate thee up
Then t'ducks'll come an' ate up t'worms
Then we s'll come an' ate up t'ducks
Then we s'll all 'av etten thee

Also note that if there are two voices, the verses can be rendered as:

Wheer 'as t'a been sin' ah sor thee?
    (ah sor thee?)
On Ilkla Mooer baht at
Wheear 'as t'a bin sin' ah sor thee?
    (ah sor thee?)
Wheear 'as t'a bin sin' ah sor thee?
    (ah sor thee?)
On Ilkla moor baht at
    (baht at)
On Ilkla moor baht at
    (baht at)
On Ilkla moor baht at
    (Wheer the ducks play football!)
Tha's bin a coortin' Mary Jane
    (Mary Jane)
etc.

Re "baht at"...
- Without a hat
- weeart an 'at
- be'art 'at
- b'aht 'at
- baht at

(Not "bar tat", though that accurately indicates the pronunciation.)

Eff (Livin' in t'next dale to Ilkla - wheer ah wed mi missis!)
 
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So, Eff, who will translate on the 4th? I was just getting used to Gauche's tongue.

Perdita ;)
 
perdita said:
So, Eff, who will translate on the 4th? I was just getting used to Gauche's tongue.

Perdita ;)
Tha'll soon pick it oop, lass!

Bluddy 'ell tho'... Wot's Gowsh's tung bin laykin' at? Saahn's fookin' sexy ter me!

Thah's a reight spunky lass tha nos!

Eff
 
Eff, tha mucky minded bloke. O'course I meant 'is 'mutther' tongue :p .

Perdita
 
Well I think I'll adopt a Latin accent for the meet (or meat) the latin guy on the talk show in GTAIII. OK!

Chu xheppy bonny now?
 
gauchecritic said:
Well I think I'll adopt a Latin accent for the meet (or meat) the latin guy on the talk show in GTAIII. OK!

Chu xheppy bonny now?
Brilliant idea, Gauchehombre. You might do Russkii too. Alex can overdo the Geordie and Ogg can do Middle English (or perhaps 18th c. French).

Perdita :)
 
matriarch said:
Scheh can do Welsh........the real stuff........

I'll just listen.
:)

Can she sing 'Sospan Bach'?

Please?

Or declaim some bardic verse?

Or even read some of 'Under Milk Wood' with the proper accent?

Og
 
I have this crazy vision of use all reading the parts of a Shakespeare play.........I'll have to think about that one. Any suggestions which one, P??

It could be fun....

:D
 
matriarch said:
I have this crazy vision of use all reading the parts of a Shakespeare play.........I'll have to think about that one. Any suggestions which one, P??
Mat.! I'd love you for this alone. Yes, let's do it. Or everyone could bring a fave passage to read (that way they'll feel more comfortable; I dread reading Sh're aloud amongst Brits, but I love to do it).

We must put this on the Yorkshire thread. Bless you,

Perdita :heart:
 
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