Arsonist--another fresh poem--short one for me!

[arielsgoddess]

Arsonist

Like your phoenix from the fire
I fly to you in fast desire
Burn me burn me burn me brighter
Lover brother flaming fighter

Spin with me sparks into the dark
Slam me so hard you stop my heart
And then again so again it starts
Sweet death circling it like a shark

Pleasure and pain together are lashed
As our bodies drive this fevered clash
This flood should kill the fire at last
But in your eyes a new match cast

 

[champagne1982]

Hi A'sGoddess, I like the rhythm and the assonance. Not too crazy about the rhyme scheme as it seems to be too simple for the sophisticated idea. I think the presentation of the voice inside the poem would be better without the investment of "self" ... meaning you've got too much You and I in the narrative for my taste. De-personalize this by removing the yours and me and I... it will become more universal in meaning for your audience.

Like a phoenix from the fire
she flies in answer to desire
Burn burn burn much brighter
Lover brother flaming fighter

Spin sharp sparks into the dark
Slam the cage and through this heart
And then again so again it starts
Sweet death circling like a shark

Pleasure and pain together lashed
As molten bodies drive in fevered clash
A flood of feeling to drown the fire at last
Though in love's eyes a new match is cast.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Too many words in the last three lines if you do it like that Champ, made me stumble, but I agree removing the you's and I's helps.
Ariel although you are not doing the Survivor (although it's never to late to start) why not take a trip over to the Competition rules and look at the forms there. They are all well explained with examples and if you like rhyming, the forms might give you some ideas to try

 

[champagne1982]

<snip>
Like a phoenix from the fire
she flies in answer to desire
Burn burn burn much brighter
Lover brother flaming fighter

Spin sharp sparks into the dark
Slam the cage and through this heart
And then again so again it starts
Sweet death circling like a shark

Pleasure and pain together lashed
Molten bodies in fever clash
Emotions flood the fire at last
Love's heat lights a fresh match cast.

Too many words in the last three lines if you do it like that Champ, made me stumble, but I agree removing the you's and I's helps.<snip>

I edited it to show A'sGoddess that the pronouns aren't required for meaning but yes, the rhythm's tricky. With the fresh edit, it sounds like a spell is being woven. Magick for sex. The witch would strike a match on the last line and throw it into the tinder assembled as the first two stanzas are recited. T'would be powerful.

I think I've changed my mind about the rhyme scheme, now. It's fitting if you look at it as if the poem's to be memorized and used in ritual. Thanks A'sGoddess, your poetry has made me think critically and has sparked some good ideas I can chew on.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

speaking of edits I need a word meaning government or politicians that sort of thing but with a more poetic ring to it less syllables would be cool too

 

[EroticOrogeny]

speaking of edits I need a word meaning government or politicians that sort of thing but with a more poetic ring to it less syllables would be cool too

'pols' ?
What sort of politician?
Demagogue orator ?
Pencil-pushing bureaucrat ?
faithful public servant ?

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Like a phoenix from the fire
she flies in answer to desire
Burn burn burn much brighter
Lover brother flaming fighter

Spin sharp sparks into the dark
Slam the cage and through this heart
And then again so again it starts
Sweet death circling like a shark

Pleasure and pain together lashed
Molten bodies in fever clash
Emotions flood the fire at last
Love's heat lights a fresh match cast.

I edited it to show A'sGoddess that the pronouns aren't required for meaning but yes, the rhythm's tricky. With the fresh edit, it sounds like a spell is being woven. Magick for sex. The witch would strike a match on the last line and throw it into the tinder assembled as the first two stanzas are recited. T'would be powerful.

I think I've changed my mind about the rhyme scheme, now. It's fitting if you look at it as if the poem's to be memorized and used in ritual. Thanks A'sGoddess, your poetry has made me think critically and has sparked some good ideas I can chew on.

I think we're getting somewhere here, hope arielsgoddess thinks so.
I'd change 'flood' to 'drown' in the 3rd line of the last stanza, it seems to match the sense of the original more and is a bit stronger.
Last line is still awkward, perhaps forcing the rhyme too much.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

'pols' ?
What sort of politician?
Demagogue orator ?
Pencil-pushing bureaucrat ?
faithful public servant ?

The sort that make wars!