Arrested Desires (Part I) - Feedback please!?!

[Lynn_Lapland]

She was writing the last of Monday's lesson on the board. Everyone had gone for the day except for the old janitor who shuffled along the hall, not able to see past the end of his broom. With the air conditioning broken, her cotton skirt clung tightly to her thighs in this heat, and her hair was swept off her neck, twisted fitfully by two number 2 pencils. It had been a long, hard week. She was thirsty, restless, and very hot.

She began thinking of the officer who came to speak to the students earlier that day about drug prevention. He was tall, muscular, and to die for in his uniform. She could feel the heat intensify between her legs just thinking of him.

He had been visiting the school for weeks now, and they often exchanged playful, flirtatious smiles in the hallway. Nothing more. She couldn’t help but to notice the gold band that shined on his left ring finger.

That would be her luck of course. Her own marriage was in shambles and pleasuring herself had become a common practice. She had a husband at home that couldn’t satisfy all of her desires and here, the only man that could turn her on simply by his looks alone, was taken. Nonetheless, she always looked forward to Friday mornings, knowing she could take in his scent and dream of his sex, while he was in working with the students in her classroom.

Lifting the marker to the white board once again, she had to control the desire within her so that she could go home. It had been a long week, and she welcomed the coming weekend. Now, if only she could only focus long enough to finish writing Monday’s lesson on the board…

"Excuse me, ma'am" came a voice from the large figure darkening her doorway. "Did someone here call the police?"

Startled, she spun around in fear and dropped her marker. The uniform-clad officer smiled slowly as he approached her and backed her completely against the white board, her hands defensively gripping the marker tray.

"I'll get that," he whispered into her damp neck.

She breathed in the scent of heat and spice as his hard chest slid down her soft mounds. Unable to speak, her breath came in short puffs of warm air. His hands were gliding smoothly down her thighs, over her calves, tracing the curve of her ankles until he finally reached the bottom.

She thought she was dreaming.

 

[Lynn_Lapland]

Part II... Story Continued

He picked up the marker and handed it to the teacher who was emitting so much sex appeal that he could hardly resist swooping her up into his arms and making mad passionate love to her against the white board. He was trying his best to remain faithful to his new bride, but temptations were high. The officer found himself in a dilemma he did not know how to handle.

He was pretty certain that the blonde teacher, seemingly so professional at work, had a wild side that she could certainly unleash with him. The way her clothes slid across the soft curves of her body when she bent over the desks, made him ache with desire each time he was visiting her classroom.

He found himself remembering the old days when something like this would not be a problem. He knew that he was attractive and was fully aware of his sex appeal.

In the past, he would have gladly used situations like these to create memories with women that he’d use to brag about in the locker room back at the station. His buddies still talk about the time that he pulled over a young hottie in a red convertible. She was young, tanned, and speeding.

The way she was zipping in and out of traffic on the highway caused him to immediately flip on the overheads, pull her off on a rather secluded ramp, and run her plates. Expecting at least one or maybe even two traffic violations, he was a bit surprised that she had a clean record. Either this girl had never been pulled over, or she was damn good at getting out of tickets. The way she flipped her long blonde hair, waiting for him to approach her, told him that it was probably the latter of the two.

When he approached the convertible, it became painstakingly obvious that the girl knew the game. Seeing that, he was more than eager to play. When she shifted in the driver’s seat, pulled up her skirt, and brushed against her fully erect nipples, just to hand him her license and registration, he felt himself grow hard as if on command.

He played his role well, pretending that he was going back to his car to write her a ticket. In reality, by returning to his cruiser he was actually urging her to work harder. She was a hot little number and he knew that she’d go just about as far as he’d let her go.

As he returned and approached her vehicle again, this time with his clipboard in hand, he noticed that the top buttons of her blouse had been undone, exposing two of the perkiest, tanned, breasts he had ever seen overflowing from a bright red lace bra. He could even see the rosy buds of her puckered nipples pushing through the lace. She looked up at him with pleading eyes that were full of desire and he knew he had her. It was then that he decided to let her off with a warning. But before he let her go, he made her cum three times on the hood of his patrol car. When he finally finished, he drove off and left her begging for more.

The guys wouldn’t have believed him except for the fact that he left his squad car camera running the entire time. It was department policy to run the camera during traffic stops for safety purposes. The tape from this stop, a young twenty-something perched on the hood, moaning with desire, with her back arched in pleasure, was used to serve many other purposes at the station, none of which involved safety.

To this day, the guys at the station try to pull over red convertibles whenever they have the chance, hoping to create a sequel to the video.

 

[Lynn_Lapland]

Part III...

All of that changed the day he decided to get married. It wasn’t that he even wanted to get married so much as the fact that it was just time. His mother wanted grandchildren and he wasn’t getting younger. Even though it seemed like the right thing to do at the time, it was the one thing in his life that he would sometimes regret. He knew he should be faithful, but he had never been committed before. It was a battle inside himself that feared he would lose.

More often than not, felt himself suppressing the throbbing urge that was growing in his pants whenever he was around attractive women. Hell, he even asked his chief to assign him a partner on patrol so that he wouldn’t get too carried away when he was assigning warnings to hot blondes in convertibles. He definitely had a thing for blondes.

Now, as he stood here, pressed against the young teacher, her blonde hair hanging loosely by those silly pencils, he felt himself growing harder by the second. Suppressing the urge once again, he reminded himself what he came here to do. He needed to be reassigned to another classroom if he was going to continue working with the students in the drug prevention program.

Every Wednesday, for weeks, he left that room wanting to return. She was a classic beauty, graceful and elegant. But, she was the kind of beauty you want to see naked, just to appreciate every delicious mound and curve.

He had wanted women before, but never like this. Each time he watched her speak, he dreamt about her lips puckered around his throbbing manhood. Each time she was reaching up to write something high on the board, he could seed her shirt catch on the tops of her firm, round breasts. He wanted so badly to take them into his mouth to nibble and suck on her nipples until they were hard with desire. Each time he made eye contact with her while she was sitting at her desk, he envisioned thrusting her on top of it, wrapping her legs around his waist, and plunging himself deep inside her over and over again until they were both exhausted with satisfaction.

Oh, there was no doubt he wanted her, and he feared that at any moment he would succumb to his desires. He couldn’t continue to see her every week, without his need for her grow.

Although, it wasn’t his need, it was his reputation that he was trying to relinquish. As he felt her breathing change against his neck and her round breasts against his chest, he was beginning to question his thinking. His need for her far outweighed any question of his reputation.

At the same time, she could feel her own matrimonial bond clang against the marker tray. She too wondered what she was getting herself into with him. She wasn’t happy in her marriage, yet she knew that being here, alone with the man of her dreams, should be considered wrong. But it felt so right, or maybe it just felt too good.

She feared that at any moment he would pull away from her so she leaned in closer. Despite all reasoning, she didn’t want it this end. There was no longer resisting the warmth that was growing within her.

"I can keep a secret," she softly whispered into his ear sliding his cheek next to hers.

"But..." he tried to find the words, but her soft lips were ever so gently brushing his skin down to the side of his neck, her tongue teasing him along the way.

He pressed his body harder against hers. She could feel he was packing more than what was in his holster!

Her lust was taking over. Reality was being smothered out by the heat between their bodies. Her hands slid down between them, his belt easily pulling apart.

He sucked in some air in a feeble attempt at breathing normally. How he longed for this moment. Forgetting all attempts at restraint, he now was fully aware that she wanted him just as much as he wanted her. He wanted all of her. In a midst of excitement and desire, he grew even harder thinking of how he would give all of himself deeply inside her. It was going to happen, here, tonight, in this very classroom where all of his want and need for her had been created.

Realizing what was happening, he smiled at her mischievously, biting his lower lip. He reached up behind her, running his fingertips along her spine. He felt her body shiver from his touch as her skin was damp with sweat from the heat and her desire.

Gently, he removed the pencils from her hair and dropped them to the floor, letting her blonde curls bounce down to her shoulders. She made a soft whimper, making him want her all the more. It was true, he definitely had a thing for blondes.

Her hair was hot against the back of her neck, but her skin was chilled by the softness of his hands. She shivered again. She could feel her breasts getting tender, her panties getting moist. He was hard as stone.

Pushing her weight into him, she turned him around against the white board. In a heavy whisper she said, "You'd better call for back up..."

 

[CWatson]

Okay... Where's the conclusion? The build-up is nice, but it's hard to say anything about any work of prose when it's only half done.

On the whole, this is well-written. The description is a tad overwrought, but that's okay in a sex story, and certainly preferable to the alternative. The one nitpick I would have is the use of the word "shined", which--in context--feels like it's in the wrong tense. (Technically, it is correct, but that won't stop The Reader from getting snapped out of the story.) I'd use "shone" or "glimmered" instead.

 

[jimmyjoyce]

Hello Lynn,

I read Part 1 - your first post. As a story it doesn't appeal to me much - which is why I didn't read on further - but that really isn't criticism. The story seems to fall into the Romance category and Romance doesn't appeal to me, that's all. However, as writing, I thought it was pretty good - by which I mean it led me in. It had impact. In general, it had the right kind of flow, if that makes any sense. I also like the way you used detail. The scene-setting, I thought, was excellent.

I do have specific criticisms, though - and they're my real reason for posting. People go on about editing here ad nauseam, but they're right, I'm afraid. There are phrases in the section I read that stuck out like sore thumbs and therefore pulled me away from the story. Here are a few specific examples:

1. ... her cotton skirt clung tightly to her thighs in this heat, and her hair was swept off her neck, twisted fitfully by two number 2 pencils.

I'd been struck by the opening - it's good - but twisted fitfully by two number 2 pencils struck me as awkward. I do know what you meant, but I don't feel that 'fitfully' is right here - that is, it isn't precise. I also think 'by' - in twisted ... by - is somehow wrong. I think the whole phrase needs reworking. Without giving it much thought, I'd suggest: ... twisted up untidily with the aid of two number two pencils ... - but that's a shade flat maybe; it's a first approximation. I'm pretty sure you could improve on it, given time. It's the kind of problem that niggles at me in my own writing. I'd be going back to it again and again until I finally felt it was right.

2. She couldn’t help but to notice the gold band that shined on his left ring finger.

This is a straightforward grammar error, of course: shone, not 'shined'. Again, it's important because it pulled me up - it pulled me out of the story.

[And, on second reading, I also saw ... couldn’t help but to notice. In what I think of as standard English, that should be: couldn’t help but notice.]

3. The next one's a bit picky, but it would probably matter to some people at least:

Unable to speak, her breath came in short puffs of warm air.

That actually means that her breath was unable to speak - which, as we all know, goes without saying. So maybe you need this instead:

She couldn't speak. Her breath came in short, sharp puffs.

Reading the section through again, as I was looking back for those examples, I also thought some of your language could be made more concrete. At its best, your writing is immediate and alive, but there are places where you tell us about the feelings the woman has, rather than allowing us to share them. E.g.

- ... pleasuring herself had become a common practice. That sounds a bit like a government report to me. I wonder if you could make it stronger?

- She had a husband at home that couldn’t satisfy all of her desires ... Again, I'd like to see that pepped up.

This, of course, is the famous 'Show, don't tell' injunction. You can never do it a hundred percent, of course - there's 'telling' in every story - but it's a good thing to aim for. Try not to tell us about her feelings; make us feel them with her. And concrete language is the key.

As everyone who writes a critique always says at this stage, I hope that helps. I think this story - or the part I read anyway - needs work, but I do think it has a lot of potential. As I said, parts of it are genuinely alive.

Hopefully you'll get responses from people who write Romance* as well. Their perspective will probably be more useful than mine in many ways.

Regards,

polynices/jimmyjoyce

*And, incidentally, if the genre changes radically by the time the reader gets to Part III, I can only apologise.

NOTE, a little later: I have, of course, echoed C Watson here. I was writing my post when her (?) post went up. But if we both say it, it may well be right.

(And if I have your gender wrong, C Watson, I apologise. I was going by your avatar of course. But I really do hope you're the woman in the picture. She's stunning!)

(Later still: But I've now noticed your disclaimer. Oh well. I admire your taste in women anyway.)

 

[Lynn_Lapland]

Thanks for the feedback... I will definitely make some of the recommended changes. I know it is incomplete now, but am hoping to finish soon.

 

[sr71plt]

I took a look at it because I'm afraid I liked the #2 pencils fitfully twisted in the hair image. (Perhaps more than anything else I saw written here in a scan--which doesn't mean I didn't think the writing was just fine.)

Then I scanned into the rest of it. I was liking it until the policeman appeared and just started manhandling the teacher.

The phrase about her thinking she was in a dream had me hoping she was (as cliched as that would be). I don't think the reader was prepared for him to just take the liberty of mauling a virtual stranger like that. (I think there should have been more than "flirtly glances, nothing more" to proceed him just walking in and humping her against a blackboard). I thought the convertible story was better in that the blonde signaled greater interest where the reader could see the signal.

Without the explicit signal, the first encounter lost too much believability for me--when it seemed to be setting up well before that jarring note.

Yes, the "shined" jars and should be changed to "shone." Her husband is a "who" not a "that," and some other minor punctuation is missing and word usage (as JJ has noted) is off--but not enough to intrude in the writing, I think, which I found engaging.

Like C. Watson, I don't like looking at a partial story. Fiction comes in an arc, unlike nonfiction (which can come in distinct chunks), where everything either depends on everything else or it should just be pulled out and tossed away (from this story, at least). So, whereas I could comment on the grammar/punctuation of a partial, a question on the quality of the story can't, I think, be answered until the story, as envisioned, is complete.

Also, for legal reasons if none other, the Web site needs to control the stories posted to the Web site. If you post them to the forum rather than submitting them to the story site, you are circumventing their control mechanisms--which are there to keep us all from suddenly finding the "authorities" interested in what we have going inside our computers.

 

[Naughty_Misty]

The one sentance that bothers me is: "He couldn’t continue to see her every week, without his need for her grow." It is grammatically awkward and incorrect.

This sentance: "She couldn’t help but to notice the gold band that shined on his left ring finger." can be fix easily with rewording. For example "She had couldn't help noticing that he wore a shiny gold band on his left ring finger."

My last little bit of critique involves these two paragraphs:

"She began thinking of the officer who came to speak to the students earlier that day about drug prevention. He was tall, muscular, and to die for in his uniform. She could feel the heat intensify between her legs just thinking of him.

He had been visiting the school for weeks now, and they often exchanged playful, flirtatious smiles in the hallway. Nothing more. She couldn’t help but to notice the gold band that shined on his left ring finger. "

Consider either making the two paragraphs one or somehow adding a little more detail into them to make them a bit longer. Perhaps she could notice him watching her covertly or something along those lines?

Your cop sounds like a hottie BTW and I personally love any erotica involving a cop. I hope you continue to expand on the story and when you submit, let me know. I want to find out how well Officer Friendly can use his night stick, if you catch my drift!

 

[1001buzzwords]

I was lured in by the first paragraph.

Since the lovely heroine has just finished putting up Monday's lessons, perhaps change "Everyone had gone for the day" to "Everyone else had already left for the weekend". Everyone loves weekends, and the else puts her still un-put-to-ease, even though she is ready ready ready for it.

I enjoyed the picture of her skirt in the heat, and saw it cling to her thighs in "the" heat, since she is, indeed, a hottie, even before the next paragraph.

Maybe change "began thinking" to "thought". If he talked "before lunch" then maybe it sets up an early association of "officer visits, then oral pleasure". Maybe change "just thinking of him" to "as the memory of him fleshed out".

The part about pleasuring herself is, of course, interesting! I'd like a bit of a hint about how that goes, along with a hint of how important it is to her. Something like "... was in shambles, and but for the pleasures she gave herself she would ..."

Like so? Continue? I did read and enjoy the rest of the story, and too look forward to the next episode. I'm happy to quibble and nitpick at the story you have created. For pleasure.