Are we destined to turn to sex if we had a shitty childhood?

[Whispersecret]

Is it just me, or does this board seem to be overwhelmingly populated with people who have big-time, heavy-duty emotional baggage from their childhoods? Because after reading the "Are you the product of a broken home?" thread, it confirms my impression that most of the BBers here grew up with some bad-ass shit.

Does this mean that if you fall into that category that you're predetermined to turn to sex as an outlet? Or is it just that these people just post more than the "lurkers." After all, no one is going to post, "Yeah. I'm normal." (Not that the others are abnormal.)

What are your thoughts, Hobson?

 

[April]

Can I answer if I'm not Hobson?

I had a shitty childhood, but I don't think I'm overly interested in sex. Actually, I don't even think about it every day. And I haven't had it in some months. Most of the time it seems like too much trouble for not enough reward. I'm more interested in the varied discussions that go on here. Such a broad range of topics! I feel like a kid in the toy store, wanting to see and play with everything in sight.

I'll just duck back in my corner. I think everybody's heard quite enough from me lately.

 

[Hecate]

Well - I have to say I sure am into wild kinky sex - and LOTS of it - but my childhood was one of the best and happiest I can think of.

I never had any problems of serious kind in my whole life. No abuse, never been out of work - never been short for money to a degree that was getting me into serious trouble.

I still am in a close and almost daily touch with my parents (loving them dearly and never had any serious fights apart from the usual 15-year-old arguments about dress code, boys and staying-out-times), my sister and her family and we are all living very well and happy in a kind of "picture book world" - still I want my sex rough - wild - kinky - and as I said ... LOTS of it.

I think the impression of the "Background " is simply due to the fact that you hear about those who have to say something to the subject - those who had a up-and-down past ... al other won't have anything to tell and so will just not "appear" in the threads.

Just my thoughts and I like to think that after all there are more people with happy childhood and background out there than others ....

 

[KillerMuffin]

I think that this BB is rather an unfair representation of the general public, we were all drawn here by sex. I don't know if my sexual, mmmmmm, proclivities came about because of my childhood, or if I just don't give a rats rump about societal convention concerning slutishness. It has never bothered me to be called a slut. Somehow, I've always managed to pick my partners with enough gentlemanliness (for lack of a better term) that I never lost their respect, no matter what sort of sexual practice I engaged in.

 

[CreamyLady]

I can trace a lot of my relationship and sexual behavior directly to my childhood.

My father had tremendous difficulty in his job; he had no control whatsoever over his life there, and he compensated by exercising total control at home. My mother, a very frustrated woman, turned to drinking while trying to prop him up -- he was a weak man -- and function.

In turn, my father, somewhat angered at her passivity, began to really turn on his children, especially me -- the oldest -- and my brother. My brother just disappeared as much as possible.

I couldn't do that. I couldn't do anything right -- the slightest infaction of the rules, which were always changing, becoming more severe, led to three or four hour lectures; I had to stand in front of him and take it.

When I hit puberty (12), the beatings began. First just spankings, hard ones. Then bare bottomed spankings -- puberty, remember? -- and finally I wasn't wearing a stitch and he was beating me with his hands and belt.

It finally ended when I was 15; I had been bruised very badly, and I think it frightened him. I don't know; they just stopped. But what went on in that bathroom, while the rest of the family hid, pretty much defined my relationships for the rest of my life.

I had to take a break from this; I'll finish it.

When I was 19, I lost my virginity to an abusive man. I lived with him for three months, in which time I went through hell. I became a prostitute to get the money to get away from him.

I did get away, and turned to promiscuity. I can't count the number of men I've had sex with, or even remember their names, or their faces. I only remember that each one thought I was hot stuff, and great in the sack.

None got to know me as a person, save a select few, who couldn't deal with me.

I've finally met men who see me as something else, and it's taken so damned many years to meet them. I'm scared to death that I'll mess up these friendships and relationships, and am an emotional basket case half the time.

So, I guess childhood pretty well formed me.

[Edited by CreamyLady on 09-14-2000 at 11:38 AM]

 

[Silverlily]

CL - I wish I could give you a hug right now.

My childhood was one of being ignored. I was nine before my father figured out I am left-handed and 12 before he learned to spell my name correctly (it's Jennifer, how exactly do you mess that up?). He was always at work, at church, at a friend's house, never home. I remember having to make an appointment to spend an afternoon with him.

My mother was hypercritical and always angry, nothing was right. I wasn't the squeaky wheel and got no grease what so ever. When I was about 25, she told me I was smart enough to do anything I wanted. Thanks, a day late and a dollar short, mom.

All of my relationships prior to meeting my current husband were either abusive or manipulative. I believe it was due to my desperate need for attention. No one I got involved with before the age of 25 was good for me.

I have since come to the realization that my parents' childhoods were also bad. My mother's father was violently abusive and her mother just stood by. My father's father had no part in the rearing of his children and his mother was an overbearing and manipulative alcoholic. It doesn't make the way they treated me right, but it does make it not my fault. It has also helped to make forgiveness possible.

I been through some therapy, mostly to to keep my marriage healthy and to stop the circle from engulfing my children. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

I'm sorry, the question. In my case, yes, my childhood does affect my need for sex. My husband and I spend non-sexual time with each other, but sex is still one of the quickest ways to get his attention.

[Edited by Kitten Eyes on 09-14-2000 at 01:29 PM]

 

[Weird Harold]

Is it just me, or does this board seem to be overwhelmingly populated with people who have big-time, heavy-duty emotional baggage from their childhoods?

I think this a skewed impression caused by the fact that people, like me, who had uneventful childhoods don't find them interesting enough to write about. In the seveties, I sometimes felt I was abnormal because I only had two parents and four grandparents. All my friends had parents, step-parents, and parent's lovers sending presents and cookies and stuff.

Does this mean that if you fall into that category that you're predetermined to turn to sex as an outlet? Or is it just that these people just post more than the "lurkers."

There are a lot of people who fall into the error of equating sex with the love they don't have at home. It's an easy mistake to make, especially when young.

I'm sure that there are some people who are simply sharing the love they knew as they grew up, but IMHO there are more who are looking for the love and affection that their childhood lacked. (I'm not trying to imply incest or child abuse as "the love they grew up with", but a wholesome sort of happy family love.)

I think people with eventful childhoods have more to say on threads about childhood than those who had less interesting childhoods. In the same way, people who have more knowledge of the military post more on threads that deal with the military, or teachers post more on threads about education, or parents post more on threads about raising kids.

People tend to post on threads that "strike a chord" with them. That tends to concentrate the stories of broken homes into a thread asking about broken homes in a manner that makes broken homes look like the majority childhood experience, in the same way that a party thread tends to concentrate the posts by people who like to flirt.

 

[Cheri]

Who had a "normal" childhood? Is there such a thing? As an adult I can look back on my childhood with some objectivity and detachment and say that I had a good childhood. True, my mother was and is a controlling obsessive woman and my father perhaps allowed her to dictate too many things in our lives, but I never doubted that they both loved me. How that effected my sex life, I don't know.
I do know that I've always been interested in sex in every way. I was looking at gay porn pictures the other day, much to my husband's dismay, because I was curious what type of pictures turned them on. One of the reasons I come here, is that I'm exposed to things that are outside my reality (good girl that I am) and I find that very exciting.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I think that Harold makes a good point, which is that many people do turn to sex as a means of seeking love, compassion, affection, etc. that may be missing in other parts of their lives. Also, I was told by a rape counselor that rape victims tend to become polarized in their view of sex: because the specialness of sex has been violated, people who've been raped tend to either become frigid or overly promiscuous--both are reactions to the feelings of violation and temporary powerlessness.

So in some respects, probably people who had difficult childhoods (particularly those filled with physical and/or sexual abuse) are more LIKELY to turn to sex to fill emotional needs. However, nothing is ever set in stone--people aren't destined to their choices. Probability is nothing more than determining that many people make similar choices under similar circumstances...it is still always a series of choices which can be changed at any time, with self-awareness and effort.

Our childhoods influence us, of course. They do not, however, determine us. I am accountable for my actions; I am the master of my own fate.

 

[RonG]

I didn't have an unhappy childhood, just an unstructured one. I was the last of 5 kids and my parents pretty much lost interest in being parents when I showed up. My dad drank heavily, although he was never belligerent just anesthetized. My mom is plain nuts but always was. So I was about one step ahead of being raised by wolves but it was pretty cool in hindsight. I had no rules but I had to deal with the consequences of everything I did so it forced me to grow up quick and in some ways be an adult very early (I took over my dad's taxes when I was 10, began driving at the age of 12, etc,). The plus side is that I was able to indulge whatever interests I had without interference. So my interest in sex really is a side effect of being able to set my own boundaries and not caring what others thought. And it feels so damn good!

My childhood probably does make me a more attentive husband and father but not out of a guilt thing or anything. More like I am just having a blast doing stuff I never did as a kid.

 

[Isabella Thorne]

Don't go breaking my heart ...

Well, I don't think it is necessarily a bad childhood .. it is some sort of heartbreak .. a void in one's hearts that cannot be filled .. that causes someone look for attention from others .. not strictly sex .. but some sort of validation .. anyway that is how it is with me .. although i do love sex i must say ..

... ummm April luv .. that marriage of yours .. ummmm well each post i read bout it .. it looks more and more like my past marriage ... i do not want to intrude but if you want to talk, dear, you know where to find me ...

 

[Always]

i'm still recovering from mine

i set my shrink's office on fire when i was 12...
she stopped seeing me.
so it just got worse until the third suicide attempt.

 

[Laurel]

I had to do a double-take when I read the title of this thread:

Are we destined to turn to sex if we had a shitty childhood?

It's like a line from Reefer Madness... "She started out a car thief and a drug addict, and eventually she became so depraved that she turned to sex." (dramatic music here)

Seriously though... It depends on what sort of "unhappy childhood" we're talking about. Molestation victims are definitely more likely to have abnormal sex lives - usually a heightened need for sex. I don't think an interest in sex is necessarily unhealthy - in fact, I'm not sure it's healthy to have no interest in sex. My childhood sucked, but I don't fellate goats or get the high hard one from my brother. I'm very average sexually - I enjoy good sex (my definition: nothing involving pain, humiliation, or living creatures other than people).

I think that dysfunctional people tend to be dysfunctional in many areas of their lives - in their personal relationships, in their sexual relations, in their substance (ab)use, in their eating habits, etc. So those whose childhoods were insufficient to the point where they didn't learn proper coping mechanisms could very well have fucked-up sex lives - in which the sex is not pleasurable, but a form of self-abuse or a way of getting attention. But I think they'd also probably have an eating disorder (coupled with a bad body image), a tendency toward alcoholism, and other unhealthy tendencies. It wouldn't be a sexual problem - it would be a psyche problem.

 

[Merelan]

Well, though my childhood was not the "normal" American one, it was extremely happy and fun. I look back on those days of innoccence and laughter and wish I could have caught them somehow, captured them for those days now when nothing seems right and no one loves me.
Even now I do not live the "normal" lifestyle, but am I depraved? Nope. Deprived? Nope, spoiled rotten by my men. And loving every minute of it. Sexually and otherwise.
Hecate... I get the slight itty bitty hint that you like lots of sex. Am I right there?
I am not sure what that does to your theory, but I often screw those up.

 

[Cheyenne]

i'm still recovering from mine

i set my shrink's office on fire when i was 12...
she stopped seeing me.
so it just got worse until the third suicide attempt.

If any of that is even remotely true, it explains your need for attention from the people on this board.

 

[chal13]

I think my childhood would come in at the low end of normality. My father was 11 years older then my mom and was previously married. He had three kids with his frist wife that we didn't meet till we were adults. Anyway he showed little interest in us, been there, done that. He also wanted absolute control over us, but from a distance. Not a great formula for seccess. I was also the middle child with a sis and bro older and a bro and sis younger.
Can this explain why I like to read dirty stories? You tell me.

 

[Weird Harold]

I think that dysfunctional people tend to be dysfunctional in many areas of their lives - in their personal relationships, in their sexual relations, in their substance (ab)use, in their eating habits, etc. So those whose childhoods were insufficient to the point where they didn't learn proper coping mechanisms could very well have fucked-up sex lives - in which the sex is not pleasurable, but a form of self-abuse or a way of getting attention. But I think they'd also probably have an eating disorder (coupled with a bad body image), a tendency toward alcoholism, and other unhealthy tendencies. It wouldn't be a sexual problem - it would be a psyche problem.

A very good point that bears repeating.

Sex isn't the only way people search for attention that was lacking in their childhood. It's just one of many manifestations of low self esteem, or a poor self image.

I'm not claiming that sexual promiscuity is evidence of a lack of self respect, only that it can be one result of that lack. It can also be a result of a high degree of self confidence.

Every person has a unique set of life experiences that make them who they are. Not all bad childhoods lead to sex, and some good childhoods lead to sex. Sometimes, it's just hormone levels that lead to sex.

 

[CreamyLady]

It is a psyche problem. I can lay claim to all of the above -- eating disorders, no clear body image, incredibly low self esteem; I'm constantly aware that I could fall into alcoholism easily.

I've been in therapy three times since I was 19, each two or three years. Each was good to help me out of depressions, and give me some coping mechanisms. In all that time, though, it was impossible for me to cope with the root of the problem.

Each therapist tried to steer me to a group, and each time I managed to nix it. I didn't want to live in the mire of the problem defining me. I wanted, needed to find a new definition of myself, something that was my own.

I'm still fumbling, but I think I'm closer.

 

[Naked Hunny]

I had one shrink tell me im a sex addict. One told me i was searching for the love i never had as a child. And yet another said that the only reason i can only have an orgasm during rough sex was because i had a strong sexual response to my rapes (yes plural i dont really wanna talk about it) But how can anyone really like rape? I sure as hell didnt like it but now when i have consensual sex i love to be dominated, spanked, hell I LOVE having my tits mauled to death with strong hands and being bitten. WHATS WITH THAT? Why cant i ever have an orgasm from making love? You know what i mean like when can i have an orgasm from slow sweet sex!! No wonder i always pick up strange men at clubs

 

[Latina]

Hmm, interesting discussion.

I was raised strict Catholic. Four sisters, a brother,
my parents and me in a one-bedroom house. Dad was an
mean alcoholic. No boyfriends until I moved out at 21.
A virgin until 23, and then no sex again until my first
marriage at 26. Then first husband made love to me only
6 times in 17 years, and died a slow death over 3 years.
So I guess I was screwed-up about sex for a lot of years.
I guess the love of a good man these past 4 years has
turned that around. Yes, I want and need sex a LOT,
but only with HIM, not bed-hopping. But I mostly need
and get hugs and massages and tenderness (fall asleep
in his arms nearly every night, and some nights--like
last night--I doze off after sex, with him still in me).
I feel so close to him, so loved and loving. Is that
because I never had any of that BEFORE him? Maybe, but
who cares? What we have is so f***ing great that I
don't care about pains of the past. I leave them there
-- in the PAST! He treats me with dignity and respect,
and that is more important than the great sex (which is
icing on the cake). I feel so relaxed, serene, and
contented with him.

-- Latina