Are online d/s relationships a good thing?

[naxalite0906]

I know I have posted a thread on this topic before, but this time I just wanted to hear experiences on the matter, plus any advice for the sub on how they should react and how the dom should treat/punish the sub at appropriate times. It seems like a fun thing to enjoy with someone else online, but obviously it is limited when it comes to teasing and punishing and I just want to know the best ways to go about it..

Thanks for your time

 

[Miss Sixxy]

I know I have posted a thread on this topic before, but this time I just wanted to hear experiences on the matter, plus any advice for the sub on how they should react and how the dom should treat/punish the sub at appropriate times. It seems like a fun thing to enjoy with someone else online, but obviously it is limited when it comes to teasing and punishing and I just want to know the best ways to go about it..

Thanks for your time

I've been a sub to an online dom for a number of months now. It is limited but there are definitely ways around things. for example - if and when I am punished it is normally the taking away of self-pleasure and orgasm. Although, it is easy to not take seriously and not obey if you aren't into it. There is a lot of trust on either side. My Master is very perceptive - he can tell a lot about my moods by just reading my emails. I enjoy it very much since it gives me the opportunity to write about my sexual experiences for someone I know gets a great deal of pleasure out of reading them.

 

[chelseachained]

online worked for me

I met my Dom online and then we went real. My punishments did not rely on trust because for me it mostly involved sleep deprivation and since he is a man who can survive on a couple of hours a night, he was able to make sure I was up all night. Also I was given assignments. To study particular things and he would test me on them. To his credit my learnings were to my benefit.
One particular harrowing weekend I had to stay connected to him 24/7 for the entire weekend. Even when I was allowed to sleep it was with a head phone on my cell phone so he could wake me as he pleased. My only respite that weekend was the 10 minute showers I was allowed. One real positive thing came out of this. By the time we met,I got over my initial nervousnes by just closing my eyes and hearing his voice. I easily found my comfort zone with him.

 

[Miss Sixxy]

Unfortunately, I am more limited than some. I have a live-in fiance who doesn't quite understand my interest in this type of lifestyle. My doms' contact with me has to be discreet. Of course, I am given assignments and carry them out to the best of my ability then report back to him.

 

[chelseachained]

We do what we can

Unfortunately, I am more limited than some. I have a live-in fiance who doesn't quite understand my interest in this type of lifestyle. My doms' contact with me has to be discreet. Of course, I am given assignments and carry them out to the best of my ability then report back to him.

However i believe at times your "limitations" must enhance the anticipation.
almost like edging chuckles now thats a good thing

 

[Miss Sixxy]

However i believe at times your "limitations" must enhance the anticipation.
almost like edging chuckles now thats a good thing

Yes, they do. Anticipation is a huge part of what makes our relationship work, among other things of course.

 

[lena]

It is fairly difficult to find a Dom online. Though I've just recently started in with someone and it has been interesting. Mostly we do .. picture tasks, where he'll ask me to pose specifically or do a certain task - and show the evidence via the camera (in my cell mostly when I'm out at work). Such things.

 

[argentSS]

Unfortunately, I am more limited than some. I have a live-in fiance who doesn't quite understand my interest in this type of lifestyle. My doms' contact with me has to be discreet. Of course, I am given assignments and carry them out to the best of my ability then report back to him.

This one has been married 30 years to someone who "doesn't quite understand" as well. So ... online is this one's only avenue. It is limited, but really only as limited as one's imagination (or his Mistress's imagination). This one's assignments are real, and his responses are likewise real. To "cheat" is to cheat one's self, just as in any other relationship.

 

[Miss Sixxy]

This one has been married 30 years to someone who "doesn't quite understand" as well. So ... online is this one's only avenue. It is limited, but really only as limited as one's imagination (or his Mistress's imagination). This one's assignments are real, and his responses are likewise real. To "cheat" is to cheat one's self, just as in any other relationship.

Exactly. I agree with your points 100%

 

[naxalite0906]

Thank you for ur input so far... just bumping this thread to see if there are any other opinions out there

 

[raven2]

This one has been married 30 years to someone who "doesn't quite understand" as well. So ... online is this one's only avenue. It is limited, but really only as limited as one's imagination (or his Mistress's imagination). This one's assignments are real, and his responses are likewise real. To "cheat" is to cheat one's self, just as in any other relationship.

I actually am in the same situation as you are. Been with my wife 30 years. She does understand but it really i'snt what she likes and so this is the best way to deal with the situation. I certainly agree with you about the assignments.

 

[naxalite0906]

cheeky bump

 

[Foundsubmission]

I know I have posted a thread on this topic before, but this time I just wanted to hear experiences on the matter, plus any advice for the sub on how they should react and how the dom should treat/punish the sub at appropriate times. It seems like a fun thing to enjoy with someone else online, but obviously it is limited when it comes to teasing and punishing and I just want to know the best ways to go about it..

Thanks for your time

Of course the depends on many things...mainly what you need. I have been lucky enough to find a caring man that takes time to know all of me...and is willing to discuss things with me. I think it's to easy to find people that aren't willing to take time...rather just want to jump into something. He goes slow with me....and let's me know what I think is valid. That's ....what makes it work for us. We haven't gotten into tasks or "punishment" but I think a good foundation where you can trust the person (as much as possible in something only online) is important. I think it is extremly important not to push in this situation...because you may lose something that could have been wonderful. Again...that goes back to the foundation of the relationship. If you have talked...you will know what will and will not work for eachother.

Good luck...and have fun *hugs*

 

[Vulpesvulpes]

I actually am in the same situation as you are. Been with my wife 30 years. She does understand but it really i'snt what she likes and so this is the best way to deal with the situation. I certainly agree with you about the assignments.

Ditto

My wife and I have been married for over ten. She used to get into kinky sex but now it seems like once a year or less. I live a pretty active fantasy life through reading and writing. I would love to find a sub I can play with online but I've been too busy to persue it.

-Vv

 

[alice_underneath]

Given the frequency with which online D/s relationships seem to fall into the category of extramarital affairs, I offer the following as food for thought and possible discussion.

At the end of an essay entitled, "Safe Sane and Consensual" by slave david stein, the author provided various definitions of the words in that creed. One definition of "consensual" (in the BDSM context) was as follows:

Consensual (3 sub parts): Consent of all parties involved must be given of their own free will.

1) Involved parties does include spouses or significant others of participants who may not be participating themselves. This statement is meant to clearly show that if a person is cheating on their spouse or significant other that this is not condoned. The reason that this is not condoned is that, in SSC BDSM, trust is the most important factor and if a person is cheating on their life partner then it is unreasonable to think anyone else could truly trust them.

2) To give consent an individual must be of legal age to make decisions on their own behalf, not have been deemed mentally incompetent to make legal decisions on their own behalf and not be under the effects of chemical substances that would inhibit their ability to make decisions. In short: no kids, no booze or drugs and the mentally impaired cannot give consent. If a person is truly incapable of making a sane decision then they are covered by this.

3) Neither animals nor the deceased can communicate consent.

http://www.leatherleadership.org/library/safesanestein.htm

 

[Arden]

Very good post, Alice

I know I have posted a thread on this topic before, but this time I just wanted to hear experiences on the matter, plus any advice for the sub on how they should react and how the dom should treat/punish the sub at appropriate times. It seems like a fun thing to enjoy with someone else online, but obviously it is limited when it comes to teasing and punishing and I just want to know the best ways to go about it..

Thanks for your time

Are online D/s relationships a good thing? Only if you have the ability to distinguish, without doubt, the difference between fantasy and reality. If you are the type of person that falls head over heels in love with the "image" of a Dominant created out of shared fantasies, you’re barking up the wrong tree. You can fantasize until the cows come home, and weave spectacular dreams of servitutide and enlightment only to find that their motivation in initiating the relationship, in the end, may not echo what you thought was being shared.

Dominants, as well as submissives that engage in online relationships have a multitude of reasons why they seek this type of interaction. Do you have the ability to figure out what motivates your Dominant, above and beyond what you have been told?

What are your motivations? Do you truly want to explore a lifestyle where pain gives pleasure to another? Granted, not all Dominants thrive on administering pain but the there’s a pretty good chance that most do. They may not verbalize their desire in the early stages of an online relationship so they don’t send a potential submissive running for the hills. D/s isn’t simply about love, devotion, and heartfelt words that appear in e-mails, IM’s. There are dimensions of D/s that are impossible to experience through daydreams.

Online Training If you seek online D/s to explore an ‘interest’ in it, be honest with your potential Dominant before entering any relationship. Dominants are dominant by nature. They need to dominate. You can't play act the role of a submissive for very long if you aren't submissive by nature. Painting a picture with words is one thing, living it in real time is an entirely different animal.

Find a Mentor before jumping from the frying pan into the fire. A good Mentor will help you sort through your feelings, wants and needs before entering a relationship. Another thought for female submissives ~ seek mentoring from female submissives, not Dominants.

If you’re not sure about becoming involved, you may want to learn about the lifestyle and interact in a group setting first. Seek out legit BDSM Clubs in your community. Go to a munch and meet people. Meet other submissives and learn from their experiences. Ask questions. Watch, and listen very carefully to what is being said.

How should you react? Regardless of what you are reacting to, you should react in ways that are you ~ and with respect. You will always be the person that you are inside.

Online punishments: If you've already chosen the path of online interaction, then you should accept any and all online punishments in accordance with your Master's wishes and abide by them.

Don't spend your life in online relationships No matter where you live, there is most likely a BDSM group within an hour or two from your home. If you must explore online, promise yourself that you will make a trip to a club where you can experience others interacting in the lifestyle in real time... and do it.

 

[raven2]

Some very good posts on this thread. Thank-you everyone who has taken time for this. I have found the ideas very useful.

 

[fieryjen]

I have recently ended my first online D/s relationship (it didn't last too long, but it was a wonderful experience and I'm very sad it's over). I stated my limits from the start, and they included that nothing may interfere with my grades - I need enough time to do my homework, enough sleep, a bit more preparation time before tests and so on.

My Dom liked controlling aspects of my life, so he had a very accuate schedule of my daily life. Most of my tasks were completed with picture or video proof. Sometimes he asked me to write something and send it to him. I agree with everyone else that you have to be very dedicated for it to work and there needs to be a high level of trust. If you're not going to take a task seriously and just pretend to do it, you might as well forget it.

For me, this was ideal, as I learned so much about the lifestyle, about my role and about myself as well in the short time. I don't know if I am going to pursue another online relationship at any point - it will be difficult to find another Dom who fits this well with me, I think. Even if I decide to take it to real life at some point, the experience will help me a lot.

 

[SamhainDisciple]

Online can be a nice way to start out, but if it doesn't go real time within a few months, I think it's a waste of time. I don't feel an online d/s relationship can ever be the same as a real time one. For me, online play isn't much more than reading an interactive story. I'll probably get flamed for saying that, but people who've engaged in real-time bdsm know that there is a HUGE difference between the internet and real life.

 

[SamhainDisciple]

Unfortunately, I am more limited than some. I have a live-in fiance who doesn't quite understand my interest in this type of lifestyle. My doms' contact with me has to be discreet. Of course, I am given assignments and carry them out to the best of my ability then report back to him.

If you aren't happy with your fiance, why not be an adult and leave? You're not even married yet and you are already being disloyal. Lying and hiding things from your partner is never healthy. Do you really want to be married to someone who you can't be honest with?

To me, what you are doing is cheating. You're emotionally involved with someone without your partners consent. I have no respect for liars and people who cheat.

BDSM is primarily about trust. You don't sound very trustworthy.

 

[fieryjen]

Online can be a nice way to start out, but if it doesn't go real time within a few months, I think it's a waste of time. I don't feel an online d/s relationship can ever be the same as a real time one. For me, online play isn't much more than reading an interactive story. I'll probably get flamed for saying that, but people who've engaged in real-time bdsm know that there is a HUGE difference between the internet and real life.

You have a point, and while I'm not disagreeing that there probaby is a huge difference between online and real time, I don't think it's necessarily a waste of time if it doesn't go real time. For you, sure. You know what you like and I respect that. But I don't think you can generalize there.

I don't think I'm ready for real time BDSM yet, online was exactly what I was looking for and what I needed, and before even doing anything my Dom and I agreed that we did not want to share any personal details about each other and were not looking to ever meet in real life. The relationship was still very satisfying and we were both extremely saddened to part.

Now, assuming I start a real time BDSM relationship at some point, I'm almost positive I wouldn't want to go back to online (although I'm speculating here, who knows what my feeling will be then). For the moment though, I'm not ready for the level of commitment real time would ask of me, and I don't have a real time Dom either. Online works just fine for me, and it is close enough to what I'm looking for at the moment.

 

[SamhainDisciple]

For me, part of it has to do with my masochistic desires. I like physical sensations of being spanked, flogged, etc. I like the adrenalin rush of being tied to the bed, blindfolded, and hearing a soft, dangerous voice in my ear, knowing that I am totally helpless. For me, there is nothing you can do online that compares to that. Plus, let's be honest, I like sex. To me, it's not much fun if it doesn't culiminate in sex!

 

[fieryjen]

For me, part of it has to do with my masochistic desires. I like physical sensations of being spanked, flogged, etc. I like the adrenalin rush of being tied to the bed, blindfolded, and hearing a soft, dangerous voice in my ear, knowing that I am totally helpless. For me, there is nothing you can do online that compares to that. Plus, let's be honest, I like sex. To me, it's not much fun if it doesn't culiminate in sex!

I can see that you would miss this a lot. If I was into pain, it would probably bother me just as much, but for me it's more about control, which works just fine online (well, for me it does - it really depends on the dom and the sub, I would imagine). Although, as I found out quickly, it can hurt like a bitch if he gets creative with ice cubes

I didn't miss the sex part quite as much. For my Dom, it was a lot about controlling that part of my life, and while masturbation can only replace actual sex to a certain degree, there's always tasks that may include fucking some other person, if you're into that sort of thing.

 

[alice_underneath]

Online works just fine for me, and it is close enough to what I'm looking for at the moment.

For an interesting discussion of online vs. 3-dimensional BDSM, I recommend the first 3 or 4 pages of this thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=307880&page=1&pp=25

Here is an extract from the first post (written by Francisco):

"We RL people have a tendency to think of us as better than OL, yes there are some big jokes online, but I have also seen many big jokes that called themselves dominant in RL. Online is just another expression of BDSM and they deserve as much respect as Real lifers do."

 

[fieryjen]

For an interesting discussion of online vs. 3-dimensional BDSM, I recommend the first 3 or 4 pages of this thread:

https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=307880&page=1&pp=25

Here is an extract from the first post (written by Francisco):

"We RL people have a tendency to think of us as better than OL, yes there are some big jokes online, but I have also seen many big jokes that called themselves dominant in RL. Online is just another expression of BDSM and they deserve as much respect as Real lifers do."

Thank you for the link. That's a really interesting thread. *goes and reads*