Appropriation of voice?

[bobocity]

Hi there:

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I'd really appreciate some very specific feedback on my latest story.

As feedback from a previous post, somebody asked me to be more inclusive in terms of including female sensation and orgasm. I thought the idea was worth following up, so I started to work on a lesbian story. (I am a straight man, so I can't really speak to the experience of lesbians)

It's published at http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=252626, and I'd REALLY like to hear from women (straight or lesbian) who have feedback for me about whether the story -- and particularly the characterization of the sex -- ring true for them or whether it's just another dumb-guy-missing-the-mark.

I am perfectly willing to admit that parts of the story are cliche (young university gal exploring her sexuality), but beyond that, I'm open to praise or criticism.

Bobocity

 

[janiexx]

Hi there:

I don't want to beat a dead horse, but I'd really appreciate some very specific feedback on my latest story.

As feedback from a previous post, somebody asked me to be more inclusive in terms of including female sensation and orgasm. I thought the idea was worth following up, so I started to work on a lesbian story. (I am a straight man, so I can't really speak to the experience of lesbians)

It's published at http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=252626, and I'd REALLY like to hear from women (straight or lesbian) who have feedback for me about whether the story -- and particularly the characterization of the sex -- ring true for them or whether it's just another dumb-guy-missing-the-mark.

I am perfectly willing to admit that parts of the story are cliche (young university gal exploring her sexuality), but beyond that, I'm open to praise or criticism.

Bobocity

Hi Bobocity,

I don't think I'm very well qualified to comment on your story as I'm as straight as you can possibly get, but having said that, here's my thoughts -

Firstly, I forgot that a man wrote this story, and a straight one at that.

Although the sex scene did nothing for me in terms of turning me on, I enjoyed "feeling" the experience through Jenny's eyes and sensing her pleasure and wonderment at her awakening. I liked the descriptions of the kisses in particular, emphasising how "new" Jenny's emotions were and really making me feel as if I was there with her and experiencing it too.

I felt that a little more background to Jenny would have been good, maybe suggesting that she had fantasised about being with a woman or having her show some dissatisfaction with men. For this reason I did have to suspend belief a little as, being a straight woman myself, I would have difficulty finding myself in a similar situation (I would be out of that tent and into Dan's arms in a trice).

This is only my opinion, but if I had written the story, I would have built up to the full sex more slowly. Perhaps Jenny and Amani cuddling in the tent and Jenny being unsure, but then wanting the full works the next night.

But, hey, it's your story and I have to say the descriptions were superb and I really felt as if I was there with them.

I hope there will be another part to this story? But of course, I can only hope that Jenny eventually realises she wants Dan...

To finish, I enjoyed the story immensely and thought it was beautifully written. You're certainly not a "dumb-guy-missing-the-mark".

I look forward to reading more,
janiexx

 

[kbate]

A well written story, marred only by a few minor errors

The sex, while I didn't suddenly grab my partner and have it off, didn't turn me away either. I enjoyed the discovery scene at the lake, although the leech was a bit of a stretch to get their hands on each other.

 

[SesameStreet]

I am straight also so the sex scenes did nothing for me. I could not say whether they would excite lesbians or not. But your story was extremely well written. Better than most I have read. I disagree with the previous poster's comments about the leeches. I thought that was a very unique segue. Definitely not a cliched one. Keep on writing. You have a lot of potential.