Anyone want to give feedback on my mind control story?

[T4nky]

Hello, everyone. I've made a (so far) two-part story about a woman who goes to work at a weird company and starts getting slowly turned into a sex slave. It's less about sex so far (except for masturbation and machines) and more about the process of the character being controlled. Anyway, here's a link to both parts, hope you like it.

Part One
Part Two

 

[LesDesirable]

I think if you want this story to work, you need to spend more time developing the situations, and the character. As you began with your protagonist already fogged and controlled, there is no baseline. The in-between paragraphs jump of 3 days, using the ever-so-powerful, "it was three days later," technique just made me go, "huh?"

What we end up with is a story that might be fun, but is so rushed that I do not care if she is controlled or not; I have no feeling for her at all. Just a name, a new job, and then a new name and into being non-entity.

The other characters are just as thin and the VR training/control system has no impact because it is just words.

Your writing is technically good, with few errors. I did not pore over it for typos or misspellings, but in a casual look saw none.

 

[AlinaX]

I read these a few days ago. They're okay, in that I actually read both parts fully, but... I agree with LesDesirable.

The biggest problem of writing from the MC victim's perspective is the lack of free will / agency / choice, and consequently a lack of real conflict for the reader to engage with. As soon as surrender/conditioning is complete, there is no story. It's important, I think, to show the life that is being lost.

 

[Maeven_quinn]

I agree with Alina. A mind controlled character has no place to go no choices to risk. It is one of the challenges of writing in that kink. I think that is why many mind control stories show the process of some slowly becoming mind controlled. One my favorites was about a demon hunter who investigates a sorority, only to become the next victim of the demon who has possessed them.

In reading your first story, nothing grabbed my attention. I get that this character is mind controlled, and it’s demonstrated as such. This is not story yet. It’s a collection of scenes that could be part of one.

 

[Jada59]

Wow. I'm not even going to read it because I usually agree with the rest of you.