Anyone have a good joke?

[Oasis690]

Here's one I like...

This Irish guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
> > > >> > >
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to McGuire's with me and have a beer?"
> > > >> > >
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
> > > >> > >
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
> > > >> > >
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to McGuire's place and have a drink with me?"
> > > >> > >
A little voice came out of the box: "I fucking heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

 

[becca80]

hehe... cute.

 

[nasty1]

Here's a few I heard recently

What do you call lesbians in a cabinet?
A liquor cabinet.

A boy sat down to breakfast before school, and, noticed that he had no eggs, bacon, or, milk. When the kid asked his Mom what the deal is, she said, "You kicked the chickens, so, no eggs for a week. Kicked the cow, so, no Milk for a week. And, kicked the pigs, so, no bacon for a week." The kid shrugged, and, eats his breakfast without another word.

Later...

Dad comes home for a hard day at work. His son is doing homework, and his wives cooking Dinner. He plops himself on the couch with a sigh. THe cat jumps on the couch with him. The Dad, annoyed with the cat, kicks it off.

THe son looks at his Mom, and, says, "Should I tell him, or, should you?"

 

[arleneX]

It was cuter when I heard it 30 years ago in a kids' comic

 

[becca80]

It was cuter when I heard it 30 years ago in a kids' comic

There's a critic in every crowd...

 

[Roughneck]

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blow job?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up.."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blow job himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

 

[Roughneck]

A reporter went to the local mental hospital to do a story on some of the patients and their ailments. As she was being led around by the nurse she noticed a patient in his room running a few steps swinging his arm forward underhanded as though he was throwing something then he hollered, "SPARE!" He again did this only this time hollered, "STRIKE!" She asked him what he was doin and he said, "Oh, I’m just bowling."

They continued the tour and now she noticed another patient who was swinging both arms as though he was holding a bat and saying, "Strike one, strike two," etc. She asked what he was doing and he said, "Just playing baseball."

As they continued on again this time she saw a man sitting in a chair naked with a hard-on and he was balancing a peanut on the end of his dick.

She had to ask, "And what the hell are you doing?"

He said, "Me, oh, I'm just fucking nuts!"

 

[Roughneck]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

[Guest]

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from California, and one from Oregon, are out on their horses riding the range. The Texan pulls out a bottle of Tequilla, takes a swig, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it with his pistol.

"What'd you do that for?" The Californian asked.

"Oh, that was a bottle of tequilla. It's made in TX, and we got plenty where I come from."

Pretty soon, the Californian pulls out a bottle of wine, takes a swig of it, throws it in the air and shoots it dead center.

"What'd you do that for?" The Oregonian asked.

"Oh, that's a bottle of wine, made in California, and we got plenty where I'm from."

After a few more miles, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of beer, takes a swig, puts it back in his pocket, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the Californian.

"What'd you do that for?" the Texan asked.

"Oh, that's a bottle of beer brewed in Oregon, we got plenty of Californians there, and the bottles worth a nickel."

 

[cybergirly]

Southern Love Poem

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all.
She told her Pappy so.

Pappy told her, "Suzie gal,
You'll hafe to find another.
I'd just as soon yo Maw don't know,
But Joe is yo half-brother.

So Suzie forgot about her Joe.
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this
He said "There's trouble still"

"You can't marry Will, my gal
And please don't tell yo Mother,
Cause Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo half-brother.

But Maw knew and said "Honey Chile,
Do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or Marry Joe,
You ain't no kin to Pappy!!!"

 

[cybergirly]

New laws in southern states



Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his
entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call
the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk
replies, "Go ahead."


How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.


A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?" "Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.


Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total
loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished
coloring one of them.


A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets
divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.

 

[StrawberryPez]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

 

[Guest]

A guy from Italy comes to America, still with his heavy accent, and finds his way to his hotel room.

His bed didn't have any sheets, so he calls down to the front desk.

"I'a need a sheett." he replies, referring to the lack of sheet.

"Ok." sez the gal at the desk.

Several hours later, no one comes up to put a sheet on his bed, so he calls back the front desk.

"I's need a sheet." he repeats on the phone.

"Ok, I heard you the first time." was the reply.

"But you'a donna understand.....I needa sheet on my bed."

"You better not shit on the bed." was the reply.

Discouraged, he ventures down to the restaraunt. He orders a meal from the menu, and after it arrives, there is no fork on the table.

"Excusa me, waitress." he sez. I needa fork."

"Ok." she replies.

An hour later, still no fork.

"Excusa me." he sez to the same waitress. "I needa fork."

"I heard you the first time." She replied.

"Youa dona understand!" he sez with frustration. "I needa a forka on the table!"

"You better not fuck on my table." came the reply.

 

[navarre]

New laws in southern states



Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed away and left his
entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.


How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call
the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk
replies, "Go ahead."


How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married? There is dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!


What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama? Documentaries.


Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented
anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.


A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?" "Bout wut?"


Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner
gets $3 a year for a million years.


Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total
loss, too. Both books -- poof! -- up in flames and he hadn't even finished
coloring one of them.


A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets
divorced, they're STILL brother and sister.

Very funny.
I take it you like southerners.

 

[cybergirly]

Very funny.
I take it you like southerners.

When you have a family from the south you learn to appriciate southern humor. As much of it (at least in my family) is accurate!

 

[navarre]

Try this

A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a
big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these
on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the
man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way it’s going to be until
your attitude changes!"


And who ever said the man is in control.lmao

 

[navarre]

One day, God appeared in the home of a just and virtuous man. God says to him, "You are a great example of what this world can produce. You are kind hearted and just and care about other people. For this, I will grant you one wish. "

The man looks at God and says, "Ok, I would like a highway to be built from California to Hawaii so that I don’t have to spend all that money to fly."

God looks at the man; "I see, well, that is a very tall order for me. You don’t understand how much of my godly power that I would have to use to accomplish this. This would be near impossible even with my abilities. Can you pick something easier?"

The man sighs and says, "Alright then, how about if you give me the ability to understand women. Why they need to shop so much, why they have to go to the bathroom in groups, what do they really mean when they say 'nothing', why they do and say the things that they do?"

God stops for a second and then says to the man, "OK, do you want two lanes or four lanes?"

 

[cybergirly]

And don't you forget it

 

[navarre]

And don't you forget it

Woah!

 

[navarre]

A farmer was called to serve on jury duty. During the questioning of
prospective jurors the prosecuting attorney asked the farmer if he could
convict someone on circumstantial evidence. The farmer responded, "No way
in hell could I do that!!" The attorney asked why he was so adamant in his
answer. He replied that he once had a very bad experience with
circumstantial evidence. The attorney asked him to explain.

"Well sir," the farmer began, "I was out in the barn milking ole' Bessie
one hot day and as I was milking her she kicked over the milk pail with her
right front foot. The milk soaked my overalls and underwear, so I took them
off, rinsed them out in the water trough and hung them out to dry. Then, I
got a piece of rope and tied her right foot to the floor. I sat back down
and starting milking again and the silly cow kicked over the pail with her
left front foot. So I tied that one down to the floor, as well. She then
proceeded to kick over the pail with each of her back feet so I tied both
of them to the floor...

"Well, I thought I had things under control until she whipped her tail
around and slapped me right in the face. Very annoyed at her antics, I
moved my stool behind her, stood up on it, and as I was in the process of
tying her tail to one of the rafters, wearing nothing but my T-Shirt and
boots, my wife walked into the barn!! .....No Sir!! I do not believe in
Circumstantial Evidence."

 

[navarre]

Last one...just had to share

Damned If You Do or Damned If You Don't

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race,
you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your
ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO.


(I know I'll pay for this.)