anyone else feel this way?

[ShadowLioness]

So, I don't really know where to start... so, a summary must do.

My SO and I have been together almost 5 years. Our sex life was fabulous in the beginning, it was frequent and it was very very GOOD! But in the last few years it has become the source of much pain for both of us; we have had sex only 5 times in the last 7 months... it wasn't bad, but it was short as we both quickly fell into old habits. We know what gets each other off, so we increasingly stay with the tried and true. The adventure feels like its ebbing away, and each time we do have sex it feels like the excitement of trying something new slips further and further away, and so results in more and more time passing between each bedroom session.

Neither of us is satisfied, and we've talked this issue to death. And it doesn't really help that our schedules are so opposite; I'm a morning person and he's a night owl. We're both cramped for time as we work at least 10 hours a day, and he's going to night school most days of the week working on his degree. By the time he goes to work then straight to class, and then finally comes home and unwinds and feels like he's in the mood, I'm already asleep!

We really do enjoy hanging out together when we can, and do have a lot of fun together, its just not sexual. Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out with my best friend and not my boyfriend! And so, even when I'm ready to start climbing the walls because I'm so frustrated, I pull away from him because I don't want the drama that comes afterwards. And it hurts me so bad that I react this way because my most favorite place to be is in his arms... but I just cant stand it when he reaches for me, because I know how its going to go and the disappointment overwhelms me even though we havent done anything yet. And I know this hurts him too.

We're stuck in a rut, and have been trying to talk our way out of it for years now. Yet, it keeps getting worse, more infrequent, and more mundane. And yes, I've tried to "just do it" and I have "just done it"... but it feels so empty. So devoid of passion, so mechanical.

I still love him, and feel in my heart that he loves me too. Love had never been the issue here. It's just the sex!

I was a very sexual person when we got together, he's the first man I've been in a long-term monogamous relationship with and it has been great in every way except for sexually. And over the last few years I feel that I've lost that part of myself... I can still see it, but its just out of my reach. I don't know how to reconnect with that part of me.

Has anyone else felt this conflicted and so unsatisfied?

 

[mjl2010]

If I had a dollar for every time I ever heard this...

There are no simple answers. Having opposite schedules doesn't help. What do mean when you say,

I pull away from him because I don't want the drama that comes afterwards.

You didn't exactly expound on this and yet, I sense it is part of the problem.

Since you both agree it has become unsatisfying, what would it take for both of you to be satisfied again?

Others will add to this I'm sure, but I see a two fold approach. One, as unromantic as it sounds, you need to make time for sex. Seriously, put it on the schedule or the calendar or whatever. Then, do it.

Second, whatever the routine mundane fashion is, do it differently. Find out where lovers lane is and go there about two in the morning, sneak off and do it.

Near where we live is a sort of hotel type place. Kind of pricey but worth it. I just call it the sex motel. But its way more than that. Depending on what you spend, you get a number of ammenities you won't find in your average four star hotel. Each room is really it's own bungalow. The style we usually book has a king size bed with mirrors and red lights, a jacuzzi for two, a hot tub that adjoins a decent sized swimming pool. The pool has a rain shower. Awesome. There's a steam shower and regular shower big enough for an orgy. The bathroom has the usual stuff, Comode, bidet, shower, double vanity. etc.

If you have anything like this near you, spend the bucks and go there for four hours the first time. Honestly, I can't remember the last time we went there and used the bed. Managed to do it just about everywhere else though. Oh, they have this swing, um, well just go, you'll figure it out. If nothing else, you'll have four hours alone. It's not the time to be shy either. Strip it all off, get naked and have fun. At least have fun, if nothing else.

Another thing is you guys could try some light bondage or something. Silk scarves make nice wrist restraints and blindfolds. Tie him up and tease the hell out of him. Next time it's his turn.

A change of scenery does wonders.

Beyond mixing things up, going somewhere different or trying new things, your next stop is a therapist. If you can't bring back the magic on your own, then go see one, both of you.

Best of luck.



MJL

 

[kimbernee]

Would the mundane be so bad if there weren't drama after? If you know what each other need and can do it quickly and predictably, is it so horrible to do that? Maybe you're adding grief where it doesn't need to be. You're both busy and stressed and if sex could be easy and safe, for now, maybe that's OK. Later in your life you may be feeling adventurous again or once you're back in the habit of regular, routine sex, you may find yourself breaking out and surprising each other, but I think to put the pressure of the sex having to be "special" every time when right now you're barely having it at all is just too much.

 

[SweetErika]

Would the mundane be so bad if there weren't drama after? If you know what each other need and can do it quickly and predictably, is it so horrible to do that? Maybe you're adding grief where it doesn't need to be. You're both busy and stressed and if sex could be easy and safe, for now, maybe that's OK. Later in your life you may be feeling adventurous again or once you're back in the habit of regular, routine sex, you may find yourself breaking out and surprising each other, but I think to put the pressure of the sex having to be "special" every time when right now you're barely having it at all is just too much.

Good point, Kim.

I'd also like to hear what this "drama that comes afterwards" thing is.

I don't know...after 9 years, pretending we're passionate until we actually feel passionate often works for us. Plus, even routine sex is an opportunity for us to connect physically and emotionally.

If we don't have a lot of time and/or energy, there's always making out like teenagers, hand jobs, blowjobs, toys, mutual/assisted masturbation, cuddling, shower sex, quickies, short massages, etc.

We aim for at least one good sex session (usually on the weekends) and one other sexual or intimate activity weekly. That doesn't seem like enough to a lot of people, and it sounds ridiculous to set a goal like that even to me, but it works for us and keeps us connected. If we didn't have some kind of goal, we'd fall into the best friends and roommates rut because we're a really good match in both of those areas (on the upside, that's the foundation of our relationship, and has kept us together rather happily through the sexual droughts).

 

[ShadowLioness]

Thank you everyone for the replies and the ideas, I especially liked the motel one.

The "drama" is complicated... sometimes its easier to lash out at those closest to you, and sometimes when he doesnt feel as though he's accomplished everything he wanted to that day I get to hear about it most of that evening. Have heard "all I've done today is <insert sexual activity here>" after most of our recent activities (even though its never longer than maybe 15 minutes tops), which then makes me feel guilty for taking up any of the already hard-to-find free time he has. And then he feels bad for hurting me, and the cycle continues.

Only two more semesters left though, so I keep telling myself to hang in there. He's never acted like this before, so I chalk it up to the stress and being stretched much too thin. Sometimes its just killer to hold all this inside though!

Thank you for listening, and for the feedback.

 

[SimpleGifts]

I can identify with this thread...except I'm already more than a few years into the same pattern. My first bit of advice--do what you can to stop the pattern NOW. It just gets worse, and it gets more difficult to recover.

The second is an observation...it sounds like your sex life is routine is because it is PART of your "routine." The fact that your b/f lumps sex in with the rest of his "to-do" list is a HUGE signal. Ideally, making love shouldn't be one of the many things you're obligated to do--it should be viewed as a VACATION from those obligations. You can't look at it as something that substitutes for another task in the day--the point is to throw the task list out the window and just DO it.

This is NOT as easy as it sounds. I know what it's like to be stressed--having kids, a full-time job, and a Ph.D. program that seems FUBAR--I was there. THAT was stress. It was almost impossible for me to give myself "permission" to take time just to enjoy things. My wife STILL can't do that--or only very rarely. Although the paradoxical thing is, the more stressed I get the more I just WANT to blow things off and I end up procrastinating by doing things like posting on Lit. My point here is, if you're going to procrastinate or take a vacation from reality--do it TOGETHER.

My third and final point is, to make that time happen, it HAS to be a priority, in the sense of "It's more important for me to escape to another plane with my lover than to spend an extra hour on that paper/dish-cleaning/work/etc." If he won't make it a priority--and it sounds like he's too stressed to think like that--YOU have to force the issue to some extent. I personally think that as a woman, you have an advantage in that you can be sexually aggressive and turn him on (even if he doth protest too much). In my experience, it's tougher for the guy to be sexually aggressive and not be accused of attempted spousal rape.

So take the initiative. As someone here posted on another thread a while ago, one key to a happy relationship is a twist on the Golden Rule: "Do unto your lover as you would have your lover do unto you--but do it first, even if your lover won't." If you hang back and wait for a sign of some kind, he's likely to do the same thing, and you'll each be waiting for a signal from the other that never comes.

If you've had mind-blowing sex in the past, then you know you can do it again. But it has to be something SPECIAL and DIFFERENT than the rest of your existence. So, take the risk of experimenting a bit...and if you DO talk about it afterwards, talk about what was good and not what either of you still has to get done before the end of the day.

Five times in seven months--believe me, you don't have it as bad as a fair number of people I know on Lit. It's far from too late--but if you're gonna get things back on track, you HAVE to start now, not two semesters from now. There will ALWAYS be another stressor standing in the way--so be proactive.

Bon courage. You deserve to get what you want out of the relationship, and if he loves you, he'll want you to have it as well.

SG

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I understand that you only have 2 semesters to go in this pattern but what have you got planned afterwards? Sounds like you'll both deserve a vacation away somewhere for a couple of weeks. You don't have to spend a lot and you'll need time to re-evaluate everything and reconnect. A positive plan for the future like this might bring you a little closer.

I agree with others in that you need to make time for intimacy, not even necessarily sex. Climb into the shower with him and give him a soapy head to toe wash. Give him a shoulder rub when he's stressed. I think that maybe if you offer him a little intimacy without expecting sex he'll feel less pressured.

I'm sure that your guy feels terribly stressed right now but you need some time as a couple regardless of that. Having a cuddle for 15mins will not jeopardise his studies. Whatever he does to blow off steam, find a way to share it with him and make it feel special, an escape.

If he's really not pulling his weight or displaying affection then regardless of your study schedule you need to point it out and make him take responsibility for it rather than rant about what's on his to-do list.

Kudos for holding things together so far though

 

[mjl2010]

I was out today for a couple of hours. This slow business period come's every year. While I was out, I got two text messages from her. Both made me want to skip the drudgery I was out doing and go home, close the office and so forth.

That was nice and neither message was overtly sexual. Just the barest hint in that direction. (No I ain't sharin either!)

A lot of times, its the little things we do.


MJL

 

[OrgasmicleBunny]

I can definitely relate, and I would be absolutely feel TERRIBLE, if we only had sex 5 times in 7 months! We went over a week and I was losing my mind. I know what you mean about it being less passionate, and monotonous, and we've only been together less than a year. The last time we had sex, I just felt so out of sync, I couldn't cum, he fell asleep when he was done, etc. Sometimes we do have a pretty good time, and we both feel good, but sometimes it's forced, like we're just doing it because we "should" be doing it. We do try to mix things up, and our schedules are complete opposites so we often dont sleep together, I work overnights, he works days.

It's the same routine on my night off, I end up going to bed with him earlyish we have sex, he's tired, he falls asleep, i get up and watch tv, and go to bed later.

I often feel like he doesn't have enough energy for me, because he masturbates the night before.

I feel like I don't do it for him, and I can half way understand, we both really like the seduction and build up and teasing and foreplay and such, but that doesn't seem to happen.

It doesn't help that he has sex with other people, and that is more exciting and new to him, we're trying to make compromises so we can both be happy, but one of the things I told him was that, I'll be much more agreeable if things are going well for us, but when we feel out of touch, him being with someone else, is 10 million times worse.

Sorry this turned into my own venting, but I just wanted to explain, that "yes I do feel this way"

 

[Mansa Musa]

Surprise blowjob, binding his hands behind his back. You may need to purchase some handcuffs. When you´re done, unlock him and say "Feel free to return the favor, (insert pet name here)", and don´t be afraid to let him return the favor. Sometimes, men forget about their women, and it sounds like he´s letting his stressful schedule get in the way of his manly duties. A surprise blowjob, with reciprocation, on a weekly basis sounds better than dutiful sex on a monthly basis.

 

[SweetErika]

I can definitely relate, and I would be absolutely feel TERRIBLE, if we only had sex 5 times in 7 months! We went over a week and I was losing my mind. I know what you mean about it being less passionate, and monotonous, and we've only been together less than a year. The last time we had sex, I just felt so out of sync, I couldn't cum, he fell asleep when he was done, etc. Sometimes we do have a pretty good time, and we both feel good, but sometimes it's forced, like we're just doing it because we "should" be doing it. We do try to mix things up, and our schedules are complete opposites so we often dont sleep together, I work overnights, he works days.

It's the same routine on my night off, I end up going to bed with him earlyish we have sex, he's tired, he falls asleep, i get up and watch tv, and go to bed later.

I often feel like he doesn't have enough energy for me, because he masturbates the night before.

I feel like I don't do it for him, and I can half way understand, we both really like the seduction and build up and teasing and foreplay and such, but that doesn't seem to happen.

It doesn't help that he has sex with other people, and that is more exciting and new to him, we're trying to make compromises so we can both be happy, but one of the things I told him was that, I'll be much more agreeable if things are going well for us, but when we feel out of touch, him being with someone else, is 10 million times worse.

Sorry this turned into my own venting, but I just wanted to explain, that "yes I do feel this way"

Bunny, WHY is he having sex with other people when your sex life (and, IIRC, relationship in general) has been problematic for quite sometime? Was it something you suggested because you were having personal problems and couldn't meet his needs?

Has your relationship always been (semi-) open, or is this a newer thing?

Are YOU having sex with other people, or do you have the option to do so, if you want to?

You're right, it's very important for your relationship to be very solid and both of you to feel fulfilled and secure before you pursue outside relationships (I'm using that as a catch-all term for everything from NSA sex to serious relationships). When that stability and security aren't present, you have a fertile breeding ground for jealousy, anger, resentment and problems with communication and intimacy. With a few exceptions, extra relationships must be icing on the cake--something extra to enjoy when all of our basic needs are being met by our primary partners--rather than a way to make a lacking relationship more tolerable.

Hubby and I are strictly monogamous when our relationship is changing, we're trying to work out major issues, someone doesn't feel their needs are being met, or there's something else going on that makes our relationship less solid than it could be. When we're both feeling good about everything, we open ourselves to the possibility of having other relationships. Any other way would create big problems for us, I'm sure. I'd be really resentful if he was putting effort into a relationship with someone else while our relationship was lacking, and I know he'd feel the same.