Anyone break the fourth wall in a story?

[Wonderer67]

I could use the help of some real authors and readers. I’m writing a story in which the character is experiencing a very massive and intense prostate orgasm for the first time. Here is how I’m describing it.

I have a longish description of the muscle contractions and feelings before this pgh…

“Fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk…” Alan half exhaled, half moaned and a third half cried out… (yes, that makes three halves, that’s how fucking intense it was.)

I’m sort of writing in third person limited perspective, so that might seem jarring or might seem kind of funny. I hardly know the first thing from writing, and I sort of don’t care if it’s acceptable, but have other people, broken the fourth wall?

I’m def gonna keep it in, but interested to hear from other writers.

 

[FelHarper]

It definitely comes off as funny to me. I would shorten it to

...Alan half exhaled, half moaned and half cried out. (Yes, that makes three halves, that’s how fucking intense it was.)

The way you wrote it calls too much attention to the joke before you deliver the punchline. And if you’re going to do it, make full use of it. Humor can be a wonderful spice to add to erotica.

 

[RejectReality]

I see no problem with that, so long as the narrative voice is consistent. It's not really breaking the fourth wall to me if the narrator does it. It's the characters talking to the reader that cracks that wall. The narrator acknowledging the reader just comes across as someone telling a story. I've got one in the queue right now that's exactly like that.

I agree with FelHarper that the suggested edit gives the punchline in the aside more impact. You don't give them as much of a warning before you nail them with that uppercut.

I would normally drop it down onto a line by itself to avoid the need for parentheses, but in the right narrative voice, the parentheses can be better.

 

[Duleigh]

I have one story where a pair of characters are arguing then one eventually says "Let's just leave it up to the reader" and then both characters look from the monitor to the reader hoping for a decision... I watch too many Mel Brooks movies but the story is a comedy scifi/fantasy

 

[KeithD]

I think on occasion, I've had a character make a side remark to the reader--and addressing him/her as the reader, though.

 

[jaykaythree]

In my first one,. my male lead introduces himself, then says "Pleased to meet you." In the one I just finished (a "where are they now" look into that first story), the same lead says, "How've you been? Haven't seen you in a while."

In a story which went live in October, the lead tells a plot twist and development, then says, "Oh, that got your attention, did it?"

 

[BiscuitHammer]

I've been known to, but only in very specific stories or chapters that are strictly not canon. At the end of one chapter, I had one of my characters, the lovable and air-headed Jeanie, reading reviews and PMs from readers about the series she's a part of. I intend to do it again, since the concept got lots of rave reviews and traction.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I’m sort of writing in third person limited perspective, so that might seem jarring or might seem kind of funny. I hardly know the first thing from writing, and I sort of don’t care if it’s acceptable, but have other people, broken the fourth wall?

I’m def gonna keep it in, but interested to hear from other writers.

I personally wouldn't put in that aside - it would be a complete bump out of the story, I reckon. It's as if your close third narrator has suddenly turned into a smart-ass.

 

[XerXesXu]

I could use the help of some real authors and readers. I’m writing a story in which the character is experiencing a very massive and intense prostate orgasm for the first time. Here is how I’m describing it.

I have a longish description of the muscle contractions and feelings before this pgh…

“Fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk…” Alan half exhaled, half moaned and a third half cried out… (yes, that makes three halves, that’s how fucking intense it was.)

I’m sort of writing in third person limited perspective, so that might seem jarring or might seem kind of funny. I hardly know the first thing from writing, and I sort of don’t care if it’s acceptable, but have other people, broken the fourth wall?

I’m def gonna keep it in, but interested to hear from other writers.

In a piss-take, I’ve added commentary by the narrator for comic effect.

‘June cleared her throat to issue the traditional command, 'Cameras Roll'.

"Cameras ..."

A massive goth girl, must have been in excess of 200lbs, moving at a speed you'd think impossible for a human of that weight, crosses the curtilage of what at one time formed the boundary wall of the toilet and, at warp speed, heads for the porcelain to which Coco is secured, throwing back her head.

"Roll."

The goth girl screeches to halt and retches forward emitting a projectile vomit of titanic proportions, once, twice, three times.

Full credit. She's at speed and spot on. In another world, the Underworld perhaps, she could have been an Olympian. I know that under less pressure I've missed the bath and soiled the linen cupboard on a number of occasions.

Colin, totally nonplussed, but in part, recites his dialogue robotically.

When she finishes vomiting, the toilet area is hushed. The only sound is of feet splashing up the staircase and SpaderFly bellowing.

"Where's that fat cunt ... she's like a greased pig ... did someone set fire to her flatulence ... she's moving like she has an afterburner."

Everyone looks at Coco.

She looks like someone has taken the trash bin from outside JunkFoodIsUs after closing time and topped it off with 2 cans of Party7, 18 g'nt's, 4 bags of peanuts, more than that of pork scratchings and a pot of fingernail cuttings from a nail bar, then, for a laugh, thrown in three dozen golf balls, and stirred for 3 days before pouring it over her.

What an absolute fucking mess.

Every one except Coco irrupts into hysterical laughter.’

The whole story was a piss-take and it was obvious it was played for laughs. I think I’d be unlikely to do it otherwise, even in a comic scene in an, otherwise straight, story. But Lit is a place to experiment.

 

[Thefireflies]

“Fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk…” Alan half exhaled, half moaned and a third half cried out… (yes, that makes three halves, that’s how fucking intense it was.)

I’m sort of writing in third person limited perspective, so that might seem jarring or might seem kind of funny. I hardly know the first thing from writing, and I sort of don’t care if it’s acceptable, but have other people, broken the fourth wall?

I’m def gonna keep it in, but interested to hear from other writers.

Others can correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think your example is actually breaking the fourth wall. As the third person narrator you are already showing and telling, where adding a quip about how intense the character’s orgasm is only adds to your description of what the character is experiencing. I think it would be more breaking the fourth wall if you, the narrator, asked a question. Maybe it would be breaking the fourth wall if you said something like, "Yep, you read me right, it was that fucking intense."

The example of breaking the fourth wall that comes to mind from one of my stories is in Heather’s Exquisite Map of Tassie, which I wrote it in third person past tense, and when the two main lovers wake up the morning after hooking up I ask the reader:

Now, do you know the feeling when you’re warm and snug, and perhaps in a tent, maybe even with a gorgeous lover sleeping peacefully beside you, but you desperately need to relieve yourself, and its cold and wet outside? Yeah, some of you know the feeling, I’m sure of it. This was the dilemma Tim faced, delaying the inevitable as long as possible before biting the bullet.

To me that’s breaking the fourth wall in third person and I think would resonate strongly with any reader who has experienced such a situation.

I think first person makes things easier to break the fourth wall because you can go from directly describing events to the reader to actively engaging with them. My story Searching for Perfection is written in first person present tense and I break the fourth wall a few times in that one, second guessing what the reader might be thinking and responding to their potential thoughts in the narrative.

If she didn’t have the dog stake in her right hand, and my hands weren’t full, I’d venture to take Bridget’s hand. Do it, I hear you say! I’m gonna do it, right. Shifting the ball to rest between my body and right arm, my left hand is free, and soon she changes grip on the stake and dog lead, and my left hand finds her right, and her fingers wrap around mine, and yes! And that’s how it’s done, folks.

and

I know what some of you are thinking: She’s your wife, you soft cock, just take her for Christ’s sake! And to that I say, No, fuck off and mind your own business! The thing is, before we had children I’d say we both initiated sex equally and often, but since the kids were born Bridget was less inclined to do so. Many reasons, some you may have picked up on...

That's my take on breaking the fourth wall.

 

[SimonDoom]

I can't recall having done it. I probably would do it only for comic effect.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I think it comes across fine as part of the narrator's view, though I'd lose the brackets which just make it seem a bit tentative.

 

[oggbashan]

In my story: https://www.literotica.com/s/the-worst-chain-story-ever-ch-01

I broke the fourth wall several times through notes to the reader during the story e.g.

(Note to the reader: You must assume that the fur is fake fur man-made without harming any wildlife but indistinguishable from real fur of the animals described and that this story subscribes to the principles of the Earth Summits and all that ecological greenness. The only people, animals or sentient beings likely to be harmed by this story are the readers. You have been warned.)

But the title should have been enough warning.

 

[Trionyx]

“Fffffffuuuuuuuuucccccccckkkkkkk…” Alan half exhaled, half moaned and a third half cried out…

I have a suggestion about the consonants. Hard consonants are short, quick sounds and can’t really be drawn out. The ‘F’ is soft and can be drawn out but the ‘ck’ sound is hard and therefore short. I’d suggest it be written ‘Ffffffuuuuck.’ Also, on occasion, long exclamations are not handled well by some reading devices, particularly some cell phones.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I think it comes across fine as part of the narrator's view, though I'd lose the brackets which just make it seem a bit tentative.

 

[AlinaX]

I've done some 750s that play with characters being aware of the narrative they're in. Genital Obsession probably does it best.

But I don't think the narrator addressing the reader necessarily breaks the wall; as RejectReality says, that's just telling a story. Also, the abrupt intrusion of a first person narrator is just acknowledging the fact that the narrator is always first person, even if they have so far not intruded to speak.

I vaguely recall a scene in Thomas Harris's Hannibal where the reader is invited into the memory palace, as if reader and narrator are treading together into profound danger. I think maybe Stephen King does this sometimes too.

I don't think I've read anything where characters talk to the reader in a way that's effective. Even in films it is difficult to get right. Deadpool gets away with it because the films are full of absurdity and action. The new Persuasion film slightly overdoes it and it becomes distracting. How would that work in a novel?

"Maybe we should keep an eye on them," Ana says. "With our luck, they'll fall in love and elope in the middle of night."
"Oh, don't be absurd, Ana," Emma snaps. "They're women."
Ana glances briefly at you, sharing a moment's exasperation.

 

[Wonderer67]

Thank you all for sharing your insights, advice and perspectives.

I appreciate it.

I can barely string three words together, but a poster here once gave me great writing advice and I appreciate all of your input as well.

Kind of a cool topic.

Many thanks all!

 

[TruthwithaTwist]

I've done it in a few stories, but it's usually just a quick throwaway line, humor or bit of detail that doesn't quite fit into story flow. For example in my story, Four Days of Giving Thanks I included the following:

"Jess was probably the nicest woman I ever dated. She was a professional dancer (jazz & tap, not pole you perverts!) who had toured with a few big names during her career."

I felt like the 4th wall break was easier than lots of words to explain what type of dancer she was.

 

[Bramblethorn]

As a rule, I'm not a huge fan of breaking the fourth wall. IME it very often falls flat; it can easily come across as insecure (author pointing out their own cleverness in case we missed it) or annoyingly cutesy, and it can easily derail the mood. But I did it around the middle of Anjali's Red Scarf:

Storytelling is a funny thing. When you read a story like this, you're giving somebody like me permission to tell you certain kinds of lies. You probably agree that it's okay and even sensible for me to lie to you about my name, and the company I work for, and a bunch of other things besides. I need those lies if I'm to tell this story at all. But I suspect there are other areas where you expect me to tell the truth.

There are a lot of unwritten rules about where authors do and don't get to lie. But one important thing about autistic people is that we really, really suck at "unwritten rules", so I'm going to use my words instead.

I aim to be truthful about human nature—as I see it—and in particular about autism—as I experience it. That last caveat is important. No two autistic people are autistic in exactly the same way.

One of the things I've been lying about is how we talk. Articulating stuff is hard for me. When I'm writing, I can take the time to work it over and over until it comes out right, but that takes time and work. Talking in person, ad-lib, is a mess of stammering and hand-waving and half-baked metaphors. What I mean is—no, not quite that—it's sort of but not quite—well, you know what I mean, right?

So, in the interests of keeping this vaguely readable, I've cleaned that up and distilled these conversations into something a bit more coherent. I don't feel entirely comfortable about that, since the way I talk has a lot to do with my autism, but sometimes we have to do these things.

That was an act of desperation: I was stuck between my need to be an honest liar, and the near-physical painfulness (and tedium) of writing those conversations the way they would actually have played out. The wall-break was the only way I could figure out to get past that block and keep going.

I agree with other commenters that the OP's example isn't really wall-breaking, but it does risk that same mood-breaking/insecurity problem. If you have to explain the joke, maybe it's not the right joke.

 

[SimonDoom]

An effective example is Ferris Buellers Day Off, where Ferris occasionally talks to the audience, including after the credits, when he tells us to go home.

The TV show the office does this. Its presented as a kind of ongoing documentary, with characters talking to an unseen interviewer, ,but that makes no sense, if you think about it.

 

[lovecraft68]

Fourth wall in a movie, TV show or even a comic book works for me, but in a non visual story/novel I think it falls flat.

The first fourth wall moment I remember is the scene early in Airplane when after being told off by his girlfriend, the character turns to the screen and says "What a pisser" classic

 

[SimonDoom]

Fourth wall in a movie, TV show or even a comic book works for me, but in a non visual story/novel I think it falls flat.

The first fourth wall moment I remember is the scene early in Airplane when after being told off by his girlfriend, the character turns to the screen and says "What a pisser" classic

And to think, that movie probably would not pass Literotica's under-18 test.

"Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

 

[RejectReality]

"It's good to be the king." is the one that is my earliest memory. Well, maybe "Why am I asking you?" from Blazing Saddles was earlier, but the one from History of the World is the one that got in my brain and took up permanent residence.

 

[Wonderer67]

Insecurity is an interesting interpretation, but what if the MC is indeed insecure? If in the first person he says something like: “I would do anything for the ones I love; wouldn't we all?”
By addressing the readers, the protagonist is asking for confirmation, but also emphasizing what has been said; making them think for a moment before running on to the next sentence. Is that so bad?
These are the examples my editor keeps removing, and I'm not sure why.

I don’t think this is coming out of a place of insecurity, maybe “cleverness.”, I’m writing about an experience of an extremely mind blowing prostate orgasm. I know it may sound corny, but some experiences and orgasms can almost be life changing, and the protagonist is having that.

I know that the person who gave me my first tips on erotica would tell me to never do this, (she’s say write it, make them feel it.”) but I think it’s my style, and I think I’m gonna roll with it. Thanks again for everyone’s input and perspectives.

Alan half exhaled, half moaned and a third half cried out… (yes, that makes three halves, that’s how fucking intense it was.)

 

[TruthwithaTwist]

Actually, in your example, breaking the fourth wall is jarring and out of place. After mentioning that she was the nicest person and a professional dancer, the last thing that came to mind was a pole. Calling us perverts was out of place, even if jokingly.

While I appreciate your feedback, in the context of my story & overall tone, I think it was fine.