Any thoughts or suggestions??

[Psy_Chic]

I'll Figure this out eventually...lol


Hi All! I am a new member on Literotica, and a brand 'spanking' new author too! I have submitted my very first story, albeit short and tame, and would really appreciate some feedback. I already have my next story penned, and have high hopes of improving with each new one posted.

This story, titled 'Up A Fence', is a workout gone intensive!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=268374

As stated, it is my first, and therefore fairly mild. (Just wait til the tenth!! lol)

Thanks again!

 

[kbate]

I am glad that you started by writing in 3rd person rather than first or the normal second. It shows promise.

I found the writing fairly basic and somewhat unexciting and would rather see this submitted as a section of a larger story than as a stand alone story. It would be much better if I knew who the people were and cared about them.

Ask an editor to help you with structure prior to submitting your next stories, you will find that many things can make your writing stronger. Count the number of times the words gently, slightly, and slowly are used. Why is all Lit sex gentle, slow and slight - is gently sucking a nipple better than sucking a nipple? How do you slowly suck a nipple?

Look forward to your next.

 

[Psy_Chic]

Thank you, kbate. I very much appreciate that you took the time to critique that story for me. I went back and counted those words! LoL... slowly was used seven times, gently four, and slightly twice. (I am not using proper grammar here, I know.) Since they all have the same tone, it is a little much for such a short story. Also, you are correct - it is meant as more of a scene than an actual story. Once I get a little stronger in skill, I hope to begin writing romance novels,(Heaven knows I have read enough of them!), and plan to use some of the little 'scenes' I have stored away.

I have already submitted another, longer 'scene', but I did ask someone to assist me with it.


Q? Why does writing in third person hold promise?

Q? What do you think would make this scene more exciting?


Again, I thank you.

P_C

 

[Softouch911]

I'll answer your questions for now:

Writing in 3rd person is promising because most new writers choose to write in first person or second. Each of those limit you and provide special challenges that you will need some advanced skills to deal with successfully. In the 3rd person you have a lot more latitude in where your narration can go. It, too, has challenges, depending on how you use it (there are a variety of approaches), but they are generally easier to deal with.

My own opinion of what would make your scene more exciting -- and it is true for most every "new" writer -- is detail. Less about how you think it feels or want it to mean, and more about who, what, where, why, how, when. Eventually, if you become skilled, you will be able to describe and never have to tell the reader what to think.

The problem with telling the reader what to think is that s/he will want to decide for themselves. If they can do that, they will find your story and writing full of "verisimilitude" and highly credible; it they have to believe you for how to feel, they are likely to think it is bland and boring -- we all know, after all, that what one person thinks is "soft" may well be abrasive to another person.

Let me give you an example.

A) Her dress was soft in his hands as he took it off of her with her help.
B) Each button down the front of her dress showed him a new inch of her pale skin and he delighted in the freshness of her shower and talc. The fabric was like a breath against his fingers and when it was finally open all the way to the hem, she parted it the rest of the way for him. It slid from her shoulders with the hushed swirl of silk to lay in a circle around her feet.

Which do you prefer? With detail, or without?

ST

 

[Psy_Chic]

I see what you mean, SoftTouch. Without a doubt, I prefer the detail.

I haven't written for quite some time now, but I'm getting the urge to try again. Thank you for your help, folks!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah... Kbate is right on. I like to think of a story as a series of events that take the characters from a starting point to an end. This story really doesn't go anywhere.

Generally, the writing is not too bad, could use some improvement, but the story should have been incorporated in a larger story.

As far as 1st, 2nd and 3rd person is concerned. I see it this way. !st and 3rd person have both strengths and weaknesses. 1st person lets the reader inside your head. 3rd person can let the reader inside everyone's head.

I have no use for 2nd person. It's awkward and limited.

When asked I say, "Use the POV that's comfortable to you and your writing style - as long as it's NOT 2nd person.

JJ

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Psy_Chic, welcome.

You really must be good if you can get the sleeping dragons like kbate and Softouch out of their lairs to give advice. And you are good, you have a good story, but don't fully exploit it.

There is no dialog. We need to be there, hearing the characters talk to each other, otherwise you have us round a camp fire as you tell stories from the ancestors. Description should be stripped to the bare essential - just enough to let our imagination run riot - and the rest should be concentrated on interplay between the characters.

Softouch once took me to task, quite rightly, for spinning out an introduction far too long. You just seem not to get down to the gist of the story you are bursting to tell.

Your story needs to be a bit longer, a bit more like an event happening in front of our eyes and pacy.

Stick to third person - it is the best to create tension between characters.

I've probably offended everyone now, but I really think you can write good fiction. Post more and flag them up here.

Regards

Elle

 

[Nasha]

Hi All! I am a new member on Literotica, and a brand 'spanking' new author too! I have submitted my very first story, albeit short and tame, and would really appreciate some feedback. I already have my next story penned, and have high hopes of improving with each new one posted.

Hi, Psy_Chic, and welcome.

What I really appreciate about your vignette is the creativity of the scene. I'm not speaking so much of the setting or the scenario, but the way that the fence worked in the sexual interaction. Even though the characters end up on the same side of the fence for a time, the fence works to keep them apart, or to keep parts of their bodies inaccessible to one another for most of the duration of their encounter, and that device works beautifully to establish and maintain some delicious sexual tension. Very well done.

My main criticisms will echo those already mentioned by others. I'd much rather read an actual story--where I get to know the characters a little, and where something important happens to change them/their relationship--than just a scene. And, as others said, more concrete details would help bring me into the action.

As an example, let's look at your opening paragraph:

In a large dimly lit room, she sweats to booming music, intensively working out behind a high plastic-coated metal link fence.... clothed only in form fitting shorts and sports bra.

You could give us a more specific visual of the room. I was a tad perplexed as to what kind of room would have a chain link fence in it or walling it off. Not understanding it left the setting feeling kind of surreal, to me.

More importantly, though, are the details you leave out after the mention of the room. Without inflating your word count, you could tell us what kind of music is booming, and what kind of workout she's doing. If she's dancing to hip hop music, or doing yoga to new age instrumentals, I'll get a different sense of who this woman is, and it'll have an impact on the mood of the whole scene that follows.

Hopefully that's helpful. Let us know when the next one's up.

-Nasha

 

[Psy_Chic]

Whew! It seems I let a whole segment of my life slip here.... one I should have earmarked for priority!! Anyway, I'm back; life has settled somewhat and I believe I will be able to devote myself to writing. I certainly have the time for it now. LOL.

I'd really like to thank those of you who took the time to read my "exerpt" (which is what I should have described it as to begin with), and especially your critiques. I value them dearly, and will keep your suggestions in mind as I continue in my creative journey.

I will post again here when I have something of value to upload for "your reading pleasure".

Thanks again!!