SilverVeil
Cockbiting Fucktard
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2001
- Posts
- 2,560
My Way vs. Martha Stewart's Way
1. Martha Stewart's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
My Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
2. Martha's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
My Way:
Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a
year.
3. Martha's Way:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in
tomato based sauce and there won't be any stains.
My Way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
4.Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
My Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
5. Martha's Way:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it
will absorb the excess salt.
My Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking that's too damn bad.
My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it
tastes!
6. Martha's Way:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool,
salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
My Way:
Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know
it wasn't fresh.
7. Martha's Way:
To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime
on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the
problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.
8. Martha's Way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way:
What leftover wine?
9. Martha's Way:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw
potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
My Way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the
handy dispenser next to my sink.
10. Martha's Way:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?
11. Martha's Way:
Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer:
To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush.
To
remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2
tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzer tabs into a glass
of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos
bottle,fill
with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more
(if necessary).
My Way:
Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle
of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at
once.
1. Martha Stewart's Way:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.
My Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's
sake.
You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
2. Martha's Way:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the
potatoes.
My Way:
Buy Hungry Jack Mash Potato Mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a
year.
3. Martha's Way:
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in
tomato based sauce and there won't be any stains.
My Way:
Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
4.Martha's Way:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of
the
dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of
the cake.
My Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
5. Martha's Way:
If you accidentally over-salt a dish, drop in a peeled potato and it
will absorb the excess salt.
My Way:
If you over-salt a dish while you're cooking that's too damn bad.
My motto is: I made it, you will eat it, I don't care how bad it
tastes!
6. Martha's Way:
To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool,
salted water. If it sinks, it's fresh, but if it rises to the surface,
throw it away.
My Way:
Eat, cook or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know
it wasn't fresh.
7. Martha's Way:
To cure a headache, take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
My Way:
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime
on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the
problem isn't the headache anymore; it is because you are now blind.
8. Martha's Way:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for
future use in casseroles and sauces.
My Way:
What leftover wine?
9. Martha's Way:
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw
potatoes on the stains and rinse with water.
My Way:
Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the
handy dispenser next to my sink.
10. Martha's Way:
Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way:
Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?
11. Martha's Way:
Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer:
To clean a toilet, drop two tablets in, wait 20 min, brush and flush.
To
remove a stain from a vase or glass cruet, fill with water and drop in 2
tablets. To polish jewelry, drop two Alka-Seltzer tabs into a glass
of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. To clean thermos
bottle,fill
with water and drop in 4 tabs and let sit for an hour or more
(if necessary).
My Way:
Put your jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet. Add a bottle
of Alka-Seltzer tabs and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at
once.
