Any ideas?

[starrkers]

The How To contest is coming up soon.

I can't think of a single thing I know "how to" that I could write for this contest that hasn't already been written better than I could. Unless the blinding light of inspiration hits me (and I highly doubt it will), I aint entering this one.

Reckon there'll be other authors seeking inspiration.

So...

Anyone got any ideas of a good theme for a How To?

 

[cloudy]

it doesn't have to be erotic....it could be a How To about anything, really. Pick something you're very good at, and write about it.

 

[sirhugs]

How to Herd Cats?

 

[snooper]

How to Herd Cats?

Don't know, but if anyone wants to know:
How to Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Lift the cat up and hold it in your arms as you would hold a baby. Place the thumb and index finger of your right hand on each side of the cat’s mouth and gently press the cat’s cheeks, while holding the pill in the palm of your right hand. When the cat opens its mouth, let the pill roll into the cat’s mouth. Now let the cat close its mouth to calmly swallow the pill.
2. Pick up the pill from the floor and get the cat out from under the sofa. Let the cat lie in your arms and repeat point 1.
3. Throw away the wet pill and get the cat out of the bedroom.
4. Take out a new pill from the box, hold the cat under your left arm, hold its paws in a hard grip in your left hand. Force the cat’s jaws up and push the pill into the back of the cat’s mouth with your index finger. Close the cat’s mouth and count to ten.
5. Take the pill out of the fish tank and take the cat down from the bookcase. Call for your wife to come in from the garden.
6. Get on all fours and hold the cat between your legs, take a firm hold of its front and hind legs. Never mind the cat’s growling. Ask your wife to hold the cat’s head in a steady grip while you push a ruler into the cat’s mouth. Let the pill slide down the ruler into the cat’s mouth. Caress the cat’s throat to get its swallowing reflexes working.
7. Take the cat down from the curtain rod. Take out a new pill from the box. (Mental note: Buy a new ruler and repair the curtains.) Carefully sweep up the broken glass figurines that were on the window sill and put them aside for later repair.
8. Wrap the cat into a towel and ask your wife to lie on top of the cat so that only its head sticks out from underneath her arm. Put the pill in a drinking straw, force the cat to open its mouth, and blow the pill into the cat’s mouth.
9. Carefully read the instructions on the medicine box to make sure that the pill is not dangerous for humans. Have a glass of water to get rid of the disgusting taste. Put some plaster on your wife’s arm and wash the blood off the carpet with cold water and salt.
10. Get the cat out of your neighbour’s gardening shed. Get a new pill from the box. Put the cat into a kitchen cabinet and close the door so that only the head of the cat sticks out. Force the cat’s mouth open with a table spoon and shoot the pill into the cat’s mouth by using a rubber band.
11. Get a screwdriver out of your toolbox and screw the door of the kitchen cabinet back in place. Put a plaster on your cheek. Ring your doctor and ask how long ago you took your last anti-tetanus shot. Throw your bloodstained shirt away and get a new one out of the wardrobe.
12. Call the fire brigade and ask them to take the cat down from the tree on the other side of the street. Apologise to your neighbour for the demolished fence. Get the last pill out of the box.
13. Tie your cat's front and hind legs together with wire and tie the cat firmly to one of the legs of the dining room table.
14. Put on your leather gloves. Press the pill into the cat’s mouth, immediately followed by a large piece of steak. Hold the cat’s head up and pour water down its throat to flush the pill down.
15. Ask your wife to drive you to Casualty. Sit still and be quiet while the doctor sews your fingers back together with twelve stitches and picks the remains of the pill out of your eyes. On your way home from the doctor’s, call at a furniture shop to buy a new dining room table.
16. Call a vet and ask them to come and get the cat. Check with the local pet shops for the price of a guinea pig.

How to give your dog a pill...
Wrap the pill into a slice of bacon. There, done!

 

[sirhugs]

How to Make Love without upsetting the Cats and Dogs?

 

[emap]

Snoopy that was hilarious thank you. I laughed so hard I either scared our cat outside or under the bed.

Sirhugs I think a better how to would be how to get your cat or dog to not jump on the bed to investigate during sex. We got our cat to stop after tossing her off 30-40 times every day for a week, or was it a month, I forget now.

 

[starrkers]

How to Make Love without upsetting the Cats and Dogs?

Wish I did know how to on that one!

 

[snooper]

... We got our cat to stop after tossing her off 30-40 times every day for a week, or was it a month, I forget now.

The common language strikes again. 'Tossing off', I suspect, has a different meaning in the USA from the UK - either that or your cat must have been exhausted!

 

[sirhugs]

Wish I did know how to on that one!

well, you should do some experiments...

 

[emap]

Eeewww bad snoopy bad eewwww.

Totally means something else, means one of us picked her up and dropped her to the floor. Well once or twice 'dropped' her to a chair about 10 feet away. A sort of lob the cat game, which stopped quick since she seemed to enjoy that.

 

[starrkers]

well, you should do some experiments...

Oh, I have. Many many experiments

 

[sunandshadow]

I need a how-to on how to put a garden where I have discovered that the yard is composed of 6 inches of tough-as-nails sod, and beneath that dirty fill containing large chunks of bricks.

 

[sirhugs]

How to Seduce a MILF

inspired by the blonde that smiled at me as she walked past last night while I was raking leaves - never saw her in the neighbourhood before, enjoyed the rear view too, but my hormones wanted more....

 

[sirhugs]

Oh, I have. Many many experiments

well, you never know when you end up with a scientifically reliable sample until you do ....

 

[sirhugs]

I need a how-to on how to put a garden where I have discovered that the yard is composed of 6 inches of tough-as-nails sod, and beneath that dirty fill containing large chunks of bricks.

six inches of soil should be plenty, if it is rich in organics. Just figure out drainage. Rooftop gardens work with less...

 

[snooper]

How to Seduce a MILF ...

No problem

Look like Robert Redford.

Ensure an adequate supply of money.

Offer her a million dollars.

Ignore all side- or after-effects.

Objective achieved.

Oh, and a two headed coin helps.

 

[sirhugs]

No problem

Look like Robert Redford.

Ensure an adequate supply of money.

Offer her a million dollars.

Ignore all side- or after-effects.

Objective achieved.

Oh, and a two headed coin helps.

aw, the fantasy life of a fantasy author....but for those of us that more closely resemble Alfred e. Newman with a twitch?

 

[sunandshadow]

six inches of soil should be plenty, if it is rich in organics. Just figure out drainage. Rooftop gardens work with less...

Sod isn't soil, sod is 50 years worth of grass roots knotted into an impenetrable mat resembling a brillo pad.

 

[emap]

Well I think first get rid of the sod 'somehow' then figure out why there is brick under it, remove said brick, unless say it is covering a portal to hell in which case replace said sod and find a different place to have a garden.

If there was not brick under the sod I would say get one of those roto rooters, you can rent them I beleive. However since there is brick best to remove the sod however you can manage and then go about removing said bricks. Granted this is alot of work so either plan on taking a year or getting some nice strong guys over with a promise of well whatever can get them over and you can get away with giving.

Oh plan on having some picks about to break up bricks, I have a feeling they are cemented, and do be ever so careful, chances are about even there is a septic tank under the bricks. Also possibly is an old swimming pool the previous owner filled in rather than removed.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Full of How-To-Ideas

A person hires another to do some work. Cut a tree, install new plumbing, replace outdated carpet... The person paying for the job takes note, wants to learn, they get cozy...

 

[starrkers]

Sod isn't soil, sod is 50 years worth of grass roots knotted into an impenetrable mat resembling a brillo pad.

Why not go for a no dig garden then? This link is for a vege garden, but the principle's the same for any plant.

 

[sunandshadow]

Fortunately the bricks are not cemented - seems to be just random broken single bricks mixed in with the dirt.

A no-dig garden is a good idea, we were thinking about something like that, although there is the problem that the place where the garden is is only accessible by stairs, no dump trucks or even wheelbarrows, so every bag or bucket of dirt would have to be hauled up there by hand - mainly by me since I have a sad lack of strong male acquaintances lol as well as a lack of cash with which to hire them (or to buy materials to make a no-dig garden out of, actually).

I did get this spinny claw crowbar thingy, which supposedly will rip out large chunks of sod, and I have some bags of enriched topsoil. So I'm thinking, clear the topsoil from a small area, dig through it and remove all bricks, replace brick volume with topsoil, plant, repeat until I'm too irritated to do any more, try again next year.

 

[snooper]

aw, the fantasy life of a fantasy author....but for those of us that more closely resemble Alfred e. Newman with a twitch?

That wasn't my fantasy, friend. My fantasy is to wake up one morning as the absolute ruler of a nation with 3 million people and vast oil wealth. Then if you see a MILF who turns you on you just say, "I want that one." It's called Kobekistan and there is a flavour of it in A Hunting We Will Go, and much more in my twelve Delights novels.

 

[snooper]

Totally means something else, means one of us picked her up and dropped her to the floor. Well once or twice 'dropped' her to a chair about 10 feet away. A sort of lob the cat game, which stopped quick since she seemed to enjoy that.

Did you try leaving her on the bed? A rough cat tongue on sensitive surfaces can be very ... different.

 

[starrkers]

Ever had a cold kitty nose on the nuts? I haven't, but I've watched someone levitate when he did