any help with my first sestina?

[echoes_s]

since I am back writing I though to put my head to good use and try various forms...(sorry the poem submitted today was my mind venting from working on this all week and a little fun)

melody of wings 17/Nov/06

soft fluted wings wrapped in transcending green
proboscis curled and highlighted veins
with swarming hues of gentle rolling seas
with shifting clouds deepened before a storm
buffeted unrest against yawing wind
what tender butterfly sings sorrow sigh

sipping nectar, blending in matted green
she hovers nigh on butter breath sigh
to raise and feel despair, wayward lost wind
observing meadows rove lush, weaving veins
of a darker hue dance ere the storm
rain mist stinging salt from frantic seas

sitting to watch enraged waves froth with seas
leaves once slumbered now restlessly sigh
by her wings wrath, beating her own storm
blues now midnight black, darkening green
all colors melding, overriding veins
struggling to stand, protect her furling wind

she disappears luminous, she is the wind
soaring high, scouring anxious seas
her ripples upon shore sift sandy veins
as the moon mourns and sun softly sigh
the meadow an enraged shore of tidal green
i lost this beautiful butterfly to the storm

who thought such beauty could verily storm
raged screams through innocent trees as wind
who knew to see a kaleidoscope of such green
vibrant and convulsing blues from the seas
yet thought her tender yearning tears be sighs
a rainbow of promise with butterfly veins

my own skin pale-forced conformity locking veins
here emotions and pain causing turbulent storm
tears fall softly, unceasing, unseen tender sighs
dried by caress of sleeve or gentled wind
to each their own mystic misery of seas
always flowing, rippling as a long meadowed green

so finds subdued land; storm, driest; spoilt by sea
stroked by wind or sit serene to ember sigh
folds translucent greens to pulsed vibrant viens

 

[champagne1982]

Hi echoessssss
I see you may be having a little trouble with your word order. The thing with sestinas is although I've read a lot of opinion on rhythm and syllable count, the one thing that is rigid in a sestina is the order of the end words:

1-2-3-4-5-6;
6-1-5-2-4-3;
3-6-4-1-2-5;
5-3-2-6-1-4;
4-5-1-3-6-2;
2-4-6-5-3-1

then finally to the "envoi" which is a tercet containing all of the words in a specific order, but there are several schools of thought as to that order. Figures, huh? I think you should make up the envoi in whichever pattern feels suited to your poem. For example you could choose that Line one contains 1 & 4, L2 - 2 &5 and L3 - 3 & 6.

Just keep in mind that the sestina is almost like a spiral of words, twisting and shaping into a spin that finally, resolves into a steady grounding with the final tercet.

Wonderful effort so far, your subject and writing are great.

 

[The_Fool]

Based on what I know you have followed the "rules" properly, but I didn't look up the proper word order because I am lazy.... You have used commas, but would be interesting in seeing other punctuation added to see if you interpretation of line breaks match mine.

This one is a complex read that requires attention due to the vocab and complexity of the sentence structure, but it was certainly quality writing enough to hold my attention. One of the goals of a sestina is to take the same six words and spin multiple readings from these words. The meanings I derive indicate to me that you have accomplished that task.

Note that you did mispell vein in the final tercet.

EDIT: Carrie has more energy than I do......

 

[echoes_s]

Hi echoessssss
I see you may be having a little trouble with your word order. The thing with sestinas is although I've read a lot of opinion on rhythm and syllable count, the one thing that is rigid in a sestina is the order of the end words:

1-2-3-4-5-6;
6-1-5-2-4-3;
3-6-4-1-2-5;
5-3-2-6-1-4;
4-5-1-3-6-2;
2-4-6-5-3-1

then finally to the "envoi" which is a tercet containing all of the words in a specific order, but there are several schools of thought as to that order. Figures, huh? I think you should make up the envoi in whichever pattern feels suited to your poem. For example you could choose that Line one contains 1 & 4, L2 - 2 &5 and L3 - 3 & 6.

Just keep in mind that the sestina is almost like a spiral of words, twisting and shaping into a spin that finally, resolves into a steady grounding with the final tercet.

Wonderful effort so far, your subject and writing are great.

ok, think I have it now...and reverted back to my old ending which turned out to be right...just tweaked it a bit...lets try this and thank you so much champagne, the site was right when they said this was a masochistic form...oye!

melody of wings


soft fluted wings wrapped in transcending green

proboscis curled and highlighted veins

with swarming hues of gentle rolling seas

as shifting clouds deepen before a storm

buffeted unrest against yawing wind

what tender butterfly sings sorrow sigh



she hovers nigh on butter breath sigh

sipping nectar, blending in matted green

to raise and feel despair, wayward lost wind

observing meadows rove lush, weaving veins

of a darker hue dance ere the storm

rain mist stinging salt from frantic seas



sitting to watch enraged waves froth with seas

leaves once slumbered now restlessly sigh

by her wings wrath, beating her own storm

blues now midnight black, darkening green

all colors melding, overriding veins

struggling to stand, protect her furling wind



she disappears luminous, she is the wind

soaring high, scouring anxious seas

her ripples upon shore sift sandy veins

as the moon mourns and sun softly sigh

the meadow an enraged shore of tidal green

I lost this beautiful butterfly to the storm



who thought such beauty could verily storm

raged screams through innocent trees as wind

who knew to see a kaleidoscope of such green

with vibrant and convulsing blues from the seas

yet thought her tender yearning tears be sighs

a rainbow of promise with butterfly veins



my own skin pale-forced conformity locking veins

here emotions and pain causing turbulent storm

tears fall softly, unceasing, unseen tender sighs

dried by caress of sleeve or gentled wind

to each their own mystic misery of seas

always flowing, rippling as a long meadowed green



so be transcluscent or veined, we are caressed by wind

where subdued land; storms, driest; drenched by seas

may we recline to sigh nestled in the softest greens

 

[echoes_s]

Based on what I know you have followed the "rules" properly, but I didn't look up the proper word order because I am lazy.... You have used commas, but would be interesting in seeing other punctuation added to see if you interpretation of line breaks match mine.

This one is a complex read that requires attention due to the vocab and complexity of the sentence structure, but it was certainly quality writing enough to hold my attention. One of the goals of a sestina is to take the same six words and spin multiple readings from these words. The meanings I derive indicate to me that you have accomplished that task.

Note that you did mispell vein in the final tercet.

EDIT: Carrie has more energy than I do......

softest of hugs Fool, oh my how are you doing?
I needed to know if I had the form down right first...so many times I have gone over this.
Next is to tighten it a lil bit and punctuation...ahhh thank you on the spelling too, I missed that one