Any feedback greatly appreciated

[I_Shadow]

I'm trying to jump back into writing where sexual content is allowed and actually appreciated!

I’ve had two stories posted in the past few days, and even though they’ve received votes I haven’t received any comments at all.

Any comments or critiquing would be greatly appreciated… I have written erotica previously, but it’s been years ago and in a format of 1500 words or less which didn’t allow for a story set up of any kind…. Not sure I have the hang of that yet.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=373969

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=374102

 

[docgbrown]

My read

I like that you took your time out to write and share your two stories. Alas, they weren’t my type of fare so my read was less then in depth. I read them and quickly found myself rereading and trying to figure out what all was going on. While well written, I suspect our literary deficient reading audience would prefer to be spoon feed a little more in the beginning of the tale’s set up. Finally, I believe you primary cause for the lack of response is in the categories you first added to; Non-human and Fetish are an ill read and less contributed to niche. Good luck and keep writing. Thusly, my two-pence is added.

 

[GeorgieH]

I'm a newcomer here myself so I guess I can at least offer an unbiased opinion. I found your two stories entertaining and well-written but (isn't there always a but?) I think your narrative could do with a little reining-in. Although the scenarios were interesting, I found myself getting bogged-down in detail, and this affected the flow of the stories.

As already stated, I'm new to the site, but of the stories I've read so far your writing shows as much promise as pretty much anyone else. I'll certainly read anything else you post.

Georgie

 

[I_Shadow]

While well written, I suspect our literary deficient reading audience would prefer to be spoon feed a little more in the beginning of the tale’s set up.

Thank you for taking the time to look over them!

I was afraid that I had skipped the set up to where it was going to be rather a jumble. I tend to envision a story out of no where before writing and therefore I end up with more added detail than needed… it looks to be my hang up still.

Finally, I believe you primary cause for the lack of response is in the categories you first added to; Non-human and Fetish are an ill read and less contributed to niche. Good luck and keep writing. Thusly, my two-pence is added.

As for voting, I wasn’t really interested in that as much as comments. Even something as simple as, “Whoa TO many words!”

The genre was not my choice but the reviewer who approved it. Next time I will focus on something more main stream so to speak.

 

[I_Shadow]

I think your narrative could do with a little reining-in. Although the scenarios were interesting, I found myself getting bogged-down in detail, and this affected the flow of the stories.

Georgie, thank you for reading them.

Being overly narrative is something I am trying to deal with and as you can see failing…lol Off to the keyboard.

 

[sethp]

Nice job I enjoyed the stories. Well written.

You don't have public comments turned on and that is why you aren't recieving any comments! Do that on your author submission page.

 

[Guest]

I read the first listed - Club Spectator - and I have a few comments.

First, I do like your details. You are able to draw the reader in, keep them engaged, and even though the ending seemed a bit abrupt it was still solid.

But I think you need to work on mechanics. An editor could help.

You have a tendency to change tenses in the middle of paragraphs, even in the middle of sentences. And your sentences are often very long. Those could easily be broken up for easier reading.

Here's a sample of what I mean.

Your text:
Those invited to 'Club Spectator' consisted of society's elite, only the confidant and accomplished, the 'A list' so to speak were allowed through the doors, mingling amongst one another before finding their place in a posh comfortable setting for the night's performance.

My changes:
Those invited to Club Spectator (no quotes needed) were society's elite. Only the confident and accomplished, the A list, so to speak, were allowed through the immense doors. While waiting, they mingled before finding their places in the posh comfortable setting for the night's performance.


Leaning against the door frame back stage he smiled seeing Alexis and Kelsey glaring at one another while oil was being rubbed over their firm muscular bodies. The animosity between them was obviously genuine both in and out of the arena. This helped add fuel to the performance since it was real emotion and not simply a staged performance.

He leaned against the door frame backstage and smiled as he watched the women. Alexia and Kelsey glared at each other while attendants rubbed oil over their firm, muscular bodies. The animosity between them was obviously genuine, both in and out of the arena. He was pleased, as their true emotions helped add fuel to the performance.

Kelsey continued watching while the black leather harness worn during their performance was strapped around Alexis's hips and ass, adjustments made so it wouldn't slip. Her long raven colored hair and flawless milk white skin a massive contrast to Alexis's deep flaming auburn hair and rich golden tan. She could feel her hands tingle at the thought of grabbing that tight ass. She was determined to be the victor tonight. Alexis ignored Kelsey instead casting her eyes toward Leah who sat quietly in the corner at her dressing table waiting for the hair dresser to finish with the elaborate up do she would be sporting that evening. She growled at the woman adjusting her outfit when she got between her and Leah as if to let her know that she was trespassing where she was not welcome. Nodding her head to Leah, Alexis walked over slipping her feet into the thigh high platform red leather boots that completed her costume.

Kelsey continued to watch as they strapped the black leather harness around Alexis' hips and ass and made adjustments to keep it in place. Alexis' deep flaming auburn hair and rich golden tan were a massive contrast to her own raven hair and flawless milk white skin.

Kelsey could feel her hands tingle at the thought of grabbing her tight ass. She was determined to be the victor tonight.

For the most part, Alexis ignored Kelsey, instead casting her eyes toward another fighter, Leah. Leah sat quietly in the corner, waiting for the hair dresser to finish with the elaborate do she'd be sporting that evening. When Alexis' assistant blocked her view of Leah she growled, as if to let her know she was trespassing where she was not welcome. Dressing complete, Alexis nodded to Leah before slipping into the thigh high platform red leather boots that completed her costume.

You can see that I did not change much, just organized it slightly.

You don't need overly long sentences. Sometimes they just create confusion.

You have solid writing skills. Make certain to have a few people read your stories before you submit them. If they say - "What did you mean in this sentence?" That should be an obvious clue to make things more readable.

I hope this helps?

Good luck!

 

[I_Shadow]

Nice job I enjoyed the stories. Well written.

You don't have public comments turned on and that is why you aren't recieving any comments! Do that on your author submission page.

Thank you on both counts!!!

I've finally figured out how to turn them on... having a blonde moment.

 

[I_Shadow]

I read the first listed - Club Spectator - and I have a few comments.

First, I do like your details. You are able to draw the reader in, keep them engaged, and even though the ending seemed a bit abrupt it was still solid.

But I think you need to work on mechanics. An editor could help.

You have a tendency to change tenses in the middle of paragraphs, even in the middle of sentences. And your sentences are often very long. Those could easily be broken up for easier reading.
...............
You have solid writing skills. Make certain to have a few people read your stories before you submit them. If they say - "What did you mean in this sentence?" That should be an obvious clue to make things more readable.

I hope this helps?

Good luck!

This does help greatly thank you!

Many times I find my brain has jumped ahead to something many paragraphs ahead of where my fingers are physically working.

I am looking into finding an editor at the moment. I have a few friends who have read my work in the past but both have such differing likes.... one enjoys the detailed description while the other wants few works and direct action and statements.

Again thank you

 

[Guest]

This does help greatly thank you!

Many times I find my brain has jumped ahead to something many paragraphs ahead of where my fingers are physically working.

I am looking into finding an editor at the moment. I have a few friends who have read my work in the past but both have such differing likes.... one enjoys the detailed description while the other wants few works and direct action and statements.

Again thank you

You are very welcome. And thank you for taking the feedback in the spirit in which it was intended.

I have a fellow Lit writer read and help edit my stuff and I find I make the same mistakes over and over again. Still.

Try the Editor's Forum, perhaps? Toss up a request and see if anyone is available.

Best wishes to you.