Any constructive feedback from the ladies?

[TheHiddenTiger]

Hi I just got the first story I ever wrote posted. I'm not a writer but I am a romantic lover. So that's what I wrote about. If any one wishes to give me some constructive feedback it would help me a great deal.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=138978

Best Regads,

TheHiddenTiger

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm not necessarily a lady, but I can tell you that your link doesn't work.

---dr.M.

 

[TheHiddenTiger]

Opps

Lets try this.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=138978

 

[Guest]

Help and thoughts...

A Dream

Okay so that is the link... now onto the story...

I dreamt last night of holding your in my arms. Running my hand along your back. Feeling your skin under the weight of my hand. Your skin so soft and supple so delicate and responsive to my touch. I could feel the air fill your lungs as your breathing rapidly increased. I was lost in the moment intoxicated by your sent. My mind was awash with desire.

your = you
sent = scent

My hand moved slowly across your back along your side coming to rest on your stomach. I hesitate as your draw in a quick breath then relax. My hand moves in circles on your stomach moving ever outward. It comes to rest just above your waist band. I allow my fingers just to brush your waist band then travel along your side to the small of your back, down along the curve of your backside until my hand could cup your firm shapely ass.

your = you

My hand moves to the inviting valley between your ass cheeks. Even though your panties I can feel the burning heat. My had presses gently upon your silky smooth panties directly over your burning desire. My head is now resting on your firm stomach as my hand massages you from behind. I can hear your heart beating strong and fast as my fingers explore the outer edge of your panties for the first time.

though = through

I place gentle kisses upon your stomach while the tips of my fingers breach the edge of your panties between your legs. Your legs part just a little as if to give me greater access to your warmth. I kiss my way down your stomach until I clasp your panties in my teeth and draw them down. My fingers grasp them firmly from behind as I slip them down and over your legs.

Now on your back your legs part slowly as I move closer to you again. I look upon your face and see you making love to me with your eyes. They draw me in and down. You feel my breath upon the inside of your legs, then a kiss upon your inner thigh. Your legs spread wider and I look as your passion opens like the wings of a butterfly. A drops of morning dew run down its wings and beads up glistening in the candle light. I lean forward and with the tip of my tongue I taste your sweet nectar for the first time. Your body quivers with the contact of my tongue to your most sensitive area. I am now drunk with passion as I begin to drink from the fountain of you. As I hold your ass in my hands bringing your closer to me. I can see your swollen nub standing out begging for attention. I flick my tongue across it several times before I give it my full attention.

drops = drop
run = runs
wings = wing
your = you

I could barley control myself. I could feel your sweet juices running down the back of my throat and more is just not enough. The smell of passion and the sent of candles fuse together in the room to form a potent combination that would surely have an affect on anyone who entered here. I continued to feast upon your passion my hand rises long your stomach to find your breast. My right hand cupping your left breast. I could feel your firm life giving breast beneath my hand.

barley = barely
sent = scent
long = along

I knew at that moment that I could drink from the fountain that is you for a thousand years and still desire more. As I continued my exploration of you with my tongue I could feel the tension building inside you. Your muscles contracted then released over and over again. I could hear you draw short quick breaths into your lungs and then push them out with force. Suddenly your legs tensed and wrapped around me and your body shook with passion. Waved afer wave washed over you as I continued to drink your sweet nectar.

Your body then relaxed and your legs released me from their grip. You reached down and drew me upon you, looking deep into my eyes. I could feel my firmness as it came to rest in the valley between your legs, warm and inviting it draws me in. I look upon your beauty and I am lost in your eyes. Captivated by the power you have over my soul. Your hands caress my shoulders as you pull me close. I put my lips to yours as we embrace. My body feels as though its on fire. And my mind is racing with desire as your legs wrap around me and pull me in once more. We are one as I finally pass into you. We are lost in another world as time stands still for the moment. As our two bodies join together I feel surely that this is as no others have ever been. Our bodies collide against each other in unison as if choreographed by a master dancer. The room is thick with the smell of passion. I feel your nails as they burry themselves into my flesh as they pull me even closer.

burry = bury

Your eyes burned with desire as I looked into them I could see your soul. I know at that moment that I was lost to anyone else but you. You had a hold on me that could not be broken for all eternity. I could feel the blood boil inside me as our rhythmic dance continued faster and more powerful as every moment passed. I could feel the thunder rumbling as it drew closer. Emanating from your face was such a look of rapture I knew the moment was drawing close for you.

As I varied my pace and angle the look upon your face turn to shear ecstasy. Throwing your head back you called out my name over and over again. I answered with all the passion within me. My body shook violently as my blood boiled over and I filled you with my seed. Your body shudder and gave a glorious display of climactic bliss that could not have been equaled.

Though I know it was only moments it seemed as though it lasted for an eternity. Our bodies locked together as one in the heat of passion. Our bodies now entwined as way lay looking into one another's eyes. Looking knowingly at one another as if to say forever.

way = we

As I lay there contemplating what had transpired you suddenly turn with the agility of a lioness, tossing me onto my back. You are as a woman on fire. I could see in your eyes you were not satisfied yet. You legs strattled me as you descended upon me. I tried to sit but with your hands on my shoulders your forced me down. Without saying a word I knew you were now taking charge. You put your finger to my lips as I tried to speak. Shaking your head and letting me know it was now your turn to call the shots. You slid down the length my body and came to rest with your hands upon my now growing erection.

strattled = straddled
your = you

I felt your warm breath all around my erection, then the warmth of your lips upon it.

And then.....

Alrighty

First, you jumped tenses.
At one point you were using past tense then you jumped to present and then back to past again. Think of it like driving a car thats a stick shift and instead of depressing the clutch to change gears you just rammed the stick into the gear that you wanted to be in.

Second, you used a lot of the same phrasing and instead of touching onto things that we would 'feel' or contemplate normally you used things like 'forever' 'eternity'. Some of the phrasing reminded me of romance novels of my youth. I liked them then I still like them now, but I felt that it disrupted the flow of your piece.

Third, all through the writing you use euphemisms for body parts, sexual acts, and the like however when you got to describing her 'backside' you used ass. It was like throwing cold water on me. I was enjoying the gentleness of the piece and I hit that word and I literally stopped reading. I had to reread that again and continue past the word. Just when I was settling back in again you through it in again. When you described all of the rest of you and all the rest of her you used euphemisms instead of the actual thing. I believe you may have used the word cock once.

All and all...
I could feel what you were saying when you were discussing how you were touching. When I got around the imagery that I wasn't sure was entirely necessary I really liked what you wrote.

Please take what I saw with a grain of salt or buckets depending upon who you talk to. I hope that I helped and if not please feel free to ignore all of what I said.

 

[TheHiddenTiger]

Ignore what you said I think not

Elizabetht,

Thank you so much for giving me feedback. Although I knew I was holding myself out for some harsh words its worth it. Everything you said was well thought out and appreciated. I was never a good writer but in this case I wrote exactly what I dreamt. I really wanted to get across what it was that I had envisioned, what it was that I felt. As far as the "ass" word I couldn't agree more I was trying to figure out a more beautiful word but I came up empty. I guess I should find myself an editor before I try to post the rest of the story.

Again Thank you!

Tiger

 

[Guest]

Re: Ignore what you said I think not

Elizabetht,

Thank you so much for giving me feedback. Although I knew I was holding myself out for some harsh words its worth it. Everything you said was well thought out and appreciated. I was never a good writer but in this case I wrote exactly what I dreamt. I really wanted to get across what it was that I had envisioned, what it was that I felt. As far as the "ass" word I couldn't agree more I was trying to figure out a more beautiful word but I came up empty. I guess I should find myself an editor before I try to post the rest of the story.

Again Thank you!

Tiger

Hey Tiger,
I am glad that it didn't come out as harsh as it did in my head. I was alittle worried. Just ask my ducklings they growl at me when I edit for them. LOL.

I like author's such as yourself. You have the raw visions and images you just need to tweak the writing just a touch. You should check out the volunteer editor's link, there are a slew of really good editors there.

As for words for words.... yucka... not sure... I tend to write alot of hard core stuff so ass works for me most times. LOL

Good Luck

 

[joe2547]

Re: Help and thoughts...

Just when I was settling back in again you through it in again.

through = threw

Just having fun with you Elizabetht!

I'm not a lady, but I really enjoyed your story. How about "derrier" instead of "ass"?

 

[Katerina Val-Kyrie]

New Descriptives

Words for Ass- Bottom, Buttocks, Posterior, Behind, Derriere, Fanny, Rear end, Rump, Tush -- just to name a few.

Hope that helped Hidden Tiger.

Hugs Katerina

 

[My Erotic Tail]

Tiger~

well I had to pop in just for the name,
and I'll say E~ is as fair as a gentle breeze
till hurricane season...hehehehe

but yes I agree with her and she put it well...

and editor is nice but Lit offers a great
section on the basics of grammer and
writing techniques that is a treasure of
information....Writers Resources