DVS
A ghost from your dreams
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2002
- Posts
- 11,416
Yes, I think it is. From the sub's point of view, if you can't trust someone enough to allow them to take control, maybe tie you up, etc. you won't ever be at ease as a submissive.
Yes. Trust is necessary in any relationship, not just BDSM. If you can't trust your partner, why are you together? If I understand your question correctly, as for helping to nurture and grow a breathing relationship that isn't 24/7 D/s, but only in private...I'd also say yes. I consider trust the basis of a good relationship, and the more you are together, the more you can nurture that connection and allow it to grow.
As for the 24/7 thing, that's not for everybody. I'm not into being the dominant one all of the time. I think they call this being a dom in the bedroom only. All other times, I want a partner that is equal to me in every way. I consider women as my equal. I just like to dominate and control them, where sex is concerned.
As for the "in private" part of your question, I don't like taking my sexual relationship out in public. I'm a very private person, but don't assume that means I'm shy. I once took a woman out to lunch. After lunch, I handcuffed her hands behind her back and removed her panties, for the ride home.
We drove home on a busy 4 lane street, and I had her dress up around her waist. I was fingering her clit while a driver in a pick up truck was beside us, watching. He almost had an accident trying to stay beside us. That is the extent of what I'd do out in public. I wouldn't want to force some stranger to watch while I dominated a woman. But, just like that guy in the truck, he stayed beside us, because he wanted to watch.
Others will disagree on this subject. But, there is nothing that says you must go out in public, or can't go out in public. If you do enjoy public exhibition, I'd at least suggest doing it where only adults will see, and where they have the option to leave, if they want. Some might watch, but others will always see public sex as rude.
No. In fact, that's what turns many submissives on. You say "any decision making in a relationship" so I'd assume you would prefer your dom to be the decision maker in all aspects of the relationship. This is up to the two of you to decide. That would probably be a part of a 24/7 relationship, but if you don't want a total 24/7 relationship, you just need to find you a dom that likes being in charge of the household. The only difference would be that if it's not a 24/7 situation, you'd have to clarify how much decision making he would be doing and how often you'd like for the controlling dom to to be in a sexual frame of mind.
Keep in mind, some men enjoy being in charge like that. They like making the decisions of where to eat dinner when you go out, what movie you will see, taking care of the household budget, major purchases, etc. And some like to go as far as deciding what clothes his submissive will wear or specify what she is NOT allowed to wear. Nothing I've mentioned is required in a D/s relationship. All of this is negotiable between the two of you.
There are two schools of thought on this. Some don't like to use punishment unless the submissive has done something to deserve it. And in that case, it's considered punishment, just like you'd think of it. In many cases, if the submissive likes to be spanked, spanking won't be he punishment. Sometimes the lack of inflicted pain would be the punishment for someone who really enjoys pain.
Others like to engage in punishment during their sexual fun. I'm one of those. I like to spank, whip, use forceful sex as a part of my fun. To those who use the term punishment as I explained it in the above paragraph, for someone like me to use it as a term of fun can be confusing. So, we've merged two words together to form funishment. Funishment can be just as painful as a true punishment, but all of that depends on the person. Just like when talking about labels, there are degrees of this, too.
In fact, there are varying degrees of everything, when talking about the BDSM lifestyle. Some people just like to feel pain. These people don't have to be submissive. Some just like inflicting pain. These people don't have to be dominant. A sadist likes inflicting pain and a masochist likes receiving pain. S/m is a part of the BDSM terminology. To go a little deeper, a sadist can also be a dom and a masochist can also be a submissive.
These are just labels for explaining to someone what you enjoy doing. Don't assume these labels or any others must define you. You can be a little bit of a sadist and a lot of a dom. You can be a little bit of a dom and a lot of a sadist, or any combination in-between. And just because you like to be spanked, that doesn't mean you are a masochist.
Someone who enjoys being spanked will probably also enjoy being controlled and being forced to comply. Those are submissive traits. You might not like the pain of a spanking at all, but accept it as another part of that control you relinquish and a part of being forced to accept what your partner wants. See how labels can intermix? That's why you should never define yourself by labels. They are just a place to start and a way to help explain what you enjoy to someone.
I consider myself a sexual sadist. If I'm not involved in a sexual act or session, I don't like inflicting pain on anybody. And I don't enjoy inflicting pain if the person I'm inflicting it on doesn't enjoy it, in a sexual way. But, if I'm involved in a sexual act or session, that sexual sadist in me comes out to play. I'm not overtly sadistic, but I do enjoy inflicting pain in what I consider "fun" ways.
If it's a relationship, that is two people who enjoy similar things. There is the trust, the shared sexual preferences, and the other things involved that you two decided were going to be parts of your relationship. 99% of the time a D/s relationship is going to be based on exactly the same things as any other relationship is based. The only difference is the added properties of what you decided of the dom and sub labels. How you mix all of it together is up to you. Your relationship should be whatever floats your boat.
If you don't want to assume any control in a situation, that means you are the submissive partner. You prefer someone else to decide how the sexual session is going to play out, and if you want to go further with this, maybe you want someone else to decide the whole evening's activities...maybe the whole weekend or more.
Just so you know, many people who have stressful or demanding daytime lives, where they are either a supervisor, a CEO, or just in charge of any number of things, your subconscious mind sometimes uses your sex life to create a balance for you. That's how many people who normally have a "take charge" kind of personality end up enjoying the passive role of a submissive in their sex lives. That can be confusing for many people, who assume a submissive must be a meek or passive mannered personality.
Passive people may be sexually submissive, but there are also those who have passive daytime lives and enjoy becoming more forceful and dominant in their sexual lives. So, you might think you can, but it isn't always easy to judge a book by its cover.
I hope I didn't bore you with my long winded thoughts.
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