Another poem...

[poppy1963]

Another poem...Feedback please!

from my past that has been keeping me sleepless lately...damn beast! Please don't read into it more than it's intended. But it's in my mind again. Damn beast. LOL! I beat this beast before..........I can beat it again~! *snarls at the beast* Writing has always been a way for me to "sort through" my confusion about things...and to hopefully offer some insight for my readers into my experience of the human condition. In other words, I can sometimes "write" myself out of the corners I back myself into.

Feedback is requested on the technical execution of my words here rather than on content.


My Demise

Something happened…
It all went bad.
I do not know
Where I crossed the threshold.

Into self destruction.
It always was…
I knew it from the start
I was not meant

For this world…
I love so dearly and
Hate at the same time.
Human life.

 

[poppy1963]

Looking for FEEDBACK if you have some to offer. Just to make that clear.

 

[phillychic69]

My Demise

Something happened…- I'd like to know more about the "something"
It all went bad. - What went bad? How was it good before? More emotion.

I do not know
Where I crossed the threshold.

Into self destruction. - I'd like to know more about the self-destruction - details.
It always was…
I knew it from the start
I was not meant - I got lost here. You were not meant for the world as you said below?

For this world…
I love so dearly and
Hate at the same time.
Human life. - And what you truly hate seems to be your own life. Am I correct? I'd like to know more about the hate and love if so. Reading the words self-destruct, hate, love, and human life, I'm left to believe that from the poem, but I think there needs to be more details, more emotion, a few similies, so I'm able to feel and see it in my mind.

I hope you don't mind feedback from a newbie. I plan on sharing some of my work real soon. Good luck with this.

 

[poppy1963]

My Demise

Something happened…- I'd like to know more about the "something"
It all went bad. - What went bad? How was it good before? More emotion.

I do not know
Where I crossed the threshold.

Into self destruction. - I'd like to know more about the self-destruction - details.
It always was…
I knew it from the start
I was not meant - I got lost here. You were not meant for the world as you said below?

For this world…
I love so dearly and
Hate at the same time.
Human life. - And what you truly hate seems to be your own life. Am I correct? I'd like to know more about the hate and love if so. Reading the words self-destruct, hate, love, and human life, I'm left to believe that from the poem, but I think there needs to be more details, more emotion, a few similies, so I'm able to feel and see it in my mind.

I hope you don't mind feedback from a newbie. I plan on sharing some of my work real soon. Good luck with this.

No! I don't mind at all! Thanks for the feedback! You've shown me where I need some clarity depending on my intention for this poem. Or maybe there will be 2 poems now. One to challenge a reader into applying the words that are somewhat vague to their own experiences and one as an "exorcistic exercise" for me.

THANKS, phillychic69! But I know what you mean about "feedback from a newbie"...I'm a newbie, too, and I was a little uncomfortable to offer feedback until I put my own self out there. I think that is silly of me really as if people don't want feedback, they will say that or not ask for it.

 

[wildsweetone]

from my past that has been keeping me sleepless lately...damn beast! Please don't read into it more than it's intended. But it's in my mind again. Damn beast. LOL! I beat this beast before..........I can beat it again~! *snarls at the beast* Writing has always been a way for me to "sort through" my confusion about things...and to hopefully offer some insight for my readers into my experience of the human condition. In other words, I can sometimes "write" myself out of the corners I back myself into.

Feedback is requested on the technical execution of my words here rather than on content.


My Demise

Something happened…
It all went bad.
I do not know
Where I crossed the threshold.

Into self destruction.
It always was…
I knew it from the start
I was not meant

For this world…
I love so dearly and
Hate at the same time.
Human life.

Hi welcome to the poetry forum

I have a question for you, why do you capitalise the first letter of each line?

And another couple of thoughts...
I'd have a comma after 'threshhold' and
I'd delete the ellipses (...)
I'm not sure the stanza breaks are in the best place, but I'd have to check that after looking at them punctuated differently.

Hope some of my thoughts are useful for you.