Another Newbie begging for feedback

[roland_baulk]

So I wrote this blurby poem type of thing. I didnt know what to classify it as so I just called it a poem because I didnt think it was a story.

Anyway its called Sunrise and the Waning Moon and its my first ever Lit. submission and apparently some people have opened it decided it was too long and hit the "back" button on their browser... but you know, Im hoping someone might wanna read it with some free time and then give me some brutal feedback.

Oh yeah.. abuse me baby.

 

[WickedEve]

I read it all and it's pretty good. It was too long, of course. The length would be fine if it would have held my interest until the end. But I found my mind wandering at the half-way mark. For me "and though I never thanked you, I never forgot" would have been a good place to end this piece.
As far as poetry goes, I suppose this is prose poetry. I think with a little work you'd have a better read.

Here's one of your shorter paragraphs:
Those times came and went, and things grew ever more beautiful. I lay down my bloodshot eyes and saw only you. There was nothing else. There was no need for anything else. I saw you and I fell deep into the pools beneath the earth, the pools that the warmth of the universe empties into, the pools within your eyes. How I wished to stay there forever. But eventually this too passed.

Revision:
Time passed and beauty grew. I saw only you -- no need for anything else. I fell deep into the pools beneath the earth where the warmth of the universe empties, the pools within your eyes. How I wished to stay forever. But eventually this too passed.

The above revision is only an example of one way you could edit that paragraph. I think it improved it to cut out some words. Like I said, "I think." You'll most likely get other suggestions. So use what works for you.

 

[OT]

It tended to ramble. Actually, it rambled a lot. I couldn't follow what was going on. After a while, I didn't care. (I'm not trying to be harsh, I'm just giving you my honest reaction).

There seem to be a few nuggets that you may want to salvage for a poem; there also were quite a few cliche's that you might want to lose.

Can you answer a few questions:
Why did you write it?
What is the main point of the piece?
If you read it with "fresh eyes", does it say what you wanted it to say?
Is there a more effective way of expressing your point?
If you come across a wordy-looking poem like this, do you invest the time to read it?

You are asking a lot of your readers.

I peek at just about every new poem posted here. When I first peeked at this one, I read the first couple of lines, saw the amount of text and decided I didn't want to spend the time. If you hadn't asked for feed back, I would not have read it.

 

[honeysucklerose]

I wouldn't change a thing. It may be long but I don't believe in formulas or rules in poetry. Each reader and writer finds what works for them.

I did find it read like a story hidden but not indiscernible in symbolism and poetic prose.

I felt like I was eavesdropping on a deeply personal letter whose writer was sharing his inner most thoughts about a rl relationship.

It can be difficult to share something so personal so well. It left me with a sense of quiet that the night often brings. It doesn't seem to come from someone 'inexperienced'.

Keep up the good work.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Nothing but lotsa garbage verbiage. This piece is so horribly bad written that I am smiling in a disbelieve

 

[karmadog]

The best line was probably a typo: Contended sighs

I suspect you were looking for 'contented'. Still, 'Contended Sighs' might be a good one for the same title poetry challenge.