Another new author.

[alephnull]

Greetings all.

While I have skulked around these parts for a while, I have not had much to say until now. I have posted my first story in the incest section (even though no real incest occurs in this instalment) and the reception has not been bad so far.

I would like to hear a more in depth critique if anyone is up to it. Most of the comments I get are less then detailed. Just "That was great!" or "You suck!" sort of stuff.

Please let me know what you think.

-alephnull
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=297746

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I think you write well. There are a few typos, but nothing that a more rigorous proofreading wouldn't spot.

I know the incest cat is as much fantasy as sci-if but, having been celibate for three years and stomped off when a date she liked touched her breast, it is not convincing that she suddenly becomes a voracious sex fiend on the way home. Perhaps if you'd used the scene watching her son and girlfriend to be the catalyst for her awakening ardor it would have worked better.

There is virtually no dialog, which leaves us solely in Melissa's head. The other three players haven't even got names, let alone characters. That's OK with the date and the girlfriend probably, but I thought the son should have had a more prominent role - if only to develop part two.

I asked myself one question at the end. Why, despite his massive cock, is Melissa going to seduce her son and not go after her many boyfriends?

I hope I don't sound harsh - Jenny will smack me if I am - your story shows promise but I just feel you leave us idiot readers having to make too many leaps of faith.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I agree, no dialogue makes your, otherwise good story, drag on a bit. The other thing I could say is some of your paragraphs are a bit long. You are better off using dialogue to keep them short. Let the character do the discription. It will work better for you. Here's an example.

Allison had long blond hair, big blues eyes and 42DD tits. - Blah!

Try something like -

Allison looked at Jason with her big, blue eyes. "Do you like my 42DD twins, baby?" she said with a flip of her long blond hair.

It's a little longer, but more readable, more interesting and draws the reader into the story. That's what you want, if you want a good vote score.

But you did good for a first try. Keep it up and you'll be among the best on Lit

JJ

 

[alephnull]

Good point about the motivation. I do tend to jump from one stage to another rather quickly.

It was not my intention to suggest that Melissa has been uninterested in sex, just that it never seemed to work out. I could have done a much better job at detailing her frustration.

Going forward, the story will really be about Melissa as she explores and pushes her sexual boundaries. Looking back at it now, that could be why I did not concentrate on the other much.

Thank you both for your thoughts. I will work on incorporating both of your ideas.

Thanks again.

-alephnull

 

[elfin_odalisque]

She'll shout at me but still - NEVER, EVER, EVER QUOTE BREAST SIZES. Nothing is a bigger off-putter in an erotic story if you want women to read.

 

[cloudy]

She'll shout at me but still - NEVER, EVER, EVER QUOTE BREAST SIZES. Nothing is a bigger off-putter in an erotic story if you want women to read.

Indeed.

Nothing will make me back-click faster than reading:

She was petite, maybe 5' 2" in her barefeet. Her long, platinum hair framed a perfect face, and her breasts strained at the confines of her 72DDDDDD bra.

1) it's boring as fuck-all, and reads like a police wanted poster.
2) the measurements are just about always as realistic as what I wrote above.
3) who cares?

The whole point of writing is to make a reader care about what happens to your characters, whether they're a good guy or a bad guy. All a sentence like that makes me do is think, "oh, jeez, another boring wanking fantasy written by some guy who has never gotten laid, and still lives with his mom, even though he's pushing 40."

Then, *click*.

Another no-no for me is saying something like "this is a true story!" I've been guilty of it when I first started writing, I'll admit (even though it makes me cringe, and remember that I never got around to editing that damn story).

It makes no difference if the story's true or not. The reader doesn't know if it is or not, and to be quite honest, probably doesn't give a shit. It doesn't make the story any hotter, or any better, and will probably result in quite a few readers (like me) who break landspeed records back-clicking.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks Cloudy, I'm with you 1,000 percent.

 

[alephnull]

She'll shout at me but still - NEVER, EVER, EVER QUOTE BREAST SIZES. Nothing is a bigger off-putter in an erotic story if you want women to read.

Did I do that?

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Fuel Imaginations

She'll shout at me but still - NEVER, EVER, EVER QUOTE BREAST SIZES. Nothing is a bigger off-putter in an erotic story if you want women to read.

I have to strongly agree here. Did I say STRONGLY ?? Let the reader imagine the body type he or she wants to "see". I never mention sizes in my stories. When referring to breasts I say "firm", "upright", "perky", but never the size. In the reader's mind, if they like large or small, they can fill their own expectations.

The same for height, or build. I use words such as "athletic", "petite", etc. Again, it's up to the reader to determine specifics in their own mind. Giving the reader the ability to "paint" the picture they want to see in their own minds gives them more interest and involvement in the story.

 

[CeriseNoire]

I think it works in the context that Jenny used it. If a female character actually speaks of herself saying "Do you like my 42DD twins?", it tells me a heck of a lot about the type of person she is. That and it's pretty funny. But I do agree that bra sizes should not be used in exposition.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

I think it works in the context that Jenny used it. If a female character actually speaks of herself saying "Do you like my 42DD twins?", it tells me a heck of a lot about the type of person she is. That and it's pretty funny. But I do agree that bra sizes should not be used in exposition.

Good point, from a different view.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

She'll shout at me but still - NEVER, EVER, EVER QUOTE BREAST SIZES. Nothing is a bigger off-putter in an erotic story if you want women to read.

Except in humor. It works there for some reason.

Example:

Violet Barfly was the kind of broad you really want to get next too. Her monstrous 44DD's had the kind of jiggle that gave guys a headache and a double sized boner, even sitting still. When she walked, her ass gyrated like the roller coaster at Coney Island. She was topped off with a head of long blond hair and the face of Jean Harlow. This babe was one hot orgasm waiting to happen.

But generally, I agree gross discriptions are a quick way to lose a reader.