Another First Time story

[duskshade]

Hi y'all!

I'm duskshade, and so far I've gotten nothing but good votes for my first story, so I thought I would take myself a step further and let people who will really critique and analyze my story check it and see. So far the critical stances I've seen are well-thought out and constructive for the writer. Please help, so I can get my writing tighter and better.

Thanks,
Duskshade

link down below.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=92038

From the Devil's Dictionary...

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the enterprise to commit.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Hi, duskshade. I hope this helps. I’ll just start out with some things that jumped out at me as I read.

My Indian Chief was a great eyecatcher, but at the moment, she was on broken wings. I’d broken another set of pipes. Granted, it’s not the worst work, but in hundred-degree weather, anything not in air-conditioning and with a cool drink was murder.

Here you use the word broken twice very close together. It’s a little bit jarring. How about “She was on broken wings. Granted, fixing broken pipes isn’t the worst work…” You may feel the new sentence is a bit long, and maybe it is, but you could always try something else. Or maybe you don’t even need to mention the pipes at this point since later on you mention that the new pipes had come in and we can figure out that there must be something wrong with the old ones. And my Microsoft Word thinks “eye-catcher” should have a hyphen.

My hair was pulled up, a nice discreet ponytail of black hair, trying to keep it off my neck.

Maybe it’s just me, but something about this line bothers me. I think it sounds like “ponytail of black hair” is the style itself, like the next day he could decide to do his hair in a ponytail of blond hair. How about “My black hair was pulled up in a nice discreet ponytail to keep it off my neck.”

He smiled and raised a hand as I checked out the newest chrome bolt-on accessories for the terminally dumb and waited.

This sentence construction is a bit confusing. I spent some time wondering if “waited” (or weighted) was some kind of motorcycle slang for uncool person. You might be better off with “…as I waited and checked out the newest chrome bolt-on accessories for the terminally dumb.”

Nice description of Chris. I like how you wait until that point to give us the main character’s name. You have a nice conversational style to the story but you avoided, “Hi, my name’s Sasha, and this is what happened one hot day when I went to fix my motorcycle.” Your intro was very slick and professional.

“Not anymore. I think he gave up when I came in with all of it cornrowed and beaded.” We both laughed. A few years back, the principal wanted me to keep my hair tied back better, as so my friend Touch cornrowed and beaded my hair. The cornrows were in for two days before he decided to let me keep my regular ponytail.

I don’t think you need the explanation. Your dialogue spells out what happened quite nicely. If you want to add something either in the dialogue or afterward mentioning that it had only lasted two days, that’s one thing, but the long exposition spoils the grace of the dialogue. –Hmm. When I give feedback, I usually make comments as I go. Now that I’ve read to the end I see that we actually meet Touch, so I think it’s nice that you gave us a little taste of her early on. But again, maybe work her name into the dialogue? “…when I came in after Touch cornrowed and beaded it.”

“Yeah,” I responded. “I saw her.”

At this point we know exactly who’s speaking, so you don’t really need “I responded.” But that’s personal choice. I mean, it’s all personal choice, but this is even more so, I think.

…I went back into the store and bought two bottles of water. She took hers and took a long, healthy swig of water.

No need to explain that what she took a swig of was water if you’ve just told us that’s what was in the bottles.

Trying to keep myself down, I slapped the meat on the grill and closed the lid, trying to get my half-wood to go down..

There is another little repetition here about going down. (and one extra period)

…tracing it’s outline through the denim.

It’s should be its.

Horny, I walked as smoothly as I could with my crotch throbbing with frustrated desire.

I don’t think you need the word horny here, since you’re illustrating that in the same sentence. I also think you might want to break this paragraph up into two. You start out talking about Lee smiling and getting a beer, but the rest of the paragraph is about Sasha in the shower.

We watched as a group of bikers gathered to watch.

A repetition of the word watch. Maybe “we watched as a group of bikers gathered around” or “we noticed a that a group of bikers had gathered to watch” or something.

I laid her down on my bed. Thankful I had cleaned a day before, I shucked her pants off, revealing her glorious skin.

I think the part about being thankful he cleaned might be better off attached to the first sentence and not the second. I guess I think Lee’s glorious skin should get its own sentence and not be mixed in with images of mops and laundry.

I stripped out of my clothes in nothing flat, and lay next to her. We lay side by side, kissing and feeling each other all over.

You don’t really need to say Sasha lay next to her if in the next sentence you say they lay side by side.

As he breathed, feeling oddly connected to the woman in bed with him, cheering and howling erupted from the living room next door. As my friends cheered and thumped the wall, we looked at each other.

Did you have this story in third person for a while?

OK, I pointed out a lot of things that might seem nit-picky because you specifically said you wanted your writing to be tighter and better, and that’s what I thought might help.

But really I think this story was very well written. I really, really liked that you developed the characters so much and let some time pass before they jumped into bed. The pacing was comfortable. The dialogue is very natural and the characters seemed like real three-dimensional people, which makes an erotic story so much better. All the motorcycle details also gave it a nice realistic touch. Your mechanics are perfect and you tell a story very well.

Overall, I liked your story a lot and I gave it a 5.

Nikki

 

[duskshade]

thanks nikki


The critiques are very helpful.


Duskshade

From the Devil's Dictionary:

CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age

 

[the_bragis]

Hi Ya Duskshade,

Hot sex and motorbikes - now here's a combination I haven't come across before, but I have to say it's one that I know will appeal to a lot of people. I've already forwarded the link to a friend of mine I know will love this.

You're from Texas! I wish this was an audio story.

Ok, adding to DarlingNikki's excellent observations:

To be honest this seemed more like a story about bikers and motorbikes with sex thrown in to make it fit the category of erotic. To me, you seemed to be more focused on the bikes and bbqs, there's so much detail about them, while the sex, to me anyway, felt a little skimmed over. I mean I know all about your barbie (I wish we had one like it by the way - it sounds fabulous), yet you told so little about what Lee looks like.

Now I'm not into bikes and I don't live in the States so a lot of the jargon you used was alien to me, and maybe to other readers. Remember your readers are world wide. While I appreciate much of the vernacular added a really good feel to your story, a lot of the descriptions of the bikes and bike parts drew a blank with me.

This is what else I noted as I read:

I thought the opening paragraph was very good. It's autumn here in Australia where I live and yet your words still managed to make me feel sweaty.

'Crotch-rocket speedies'. I haven't heard that one before, but I really like it.

Granted, it’s not the worst work, but in hundred-degree weather, anything not in air-conditioning and with a cool drink was murder.

I could be wrong here but I think this should read...iit wasn't the worst... As it all needs to all be in the same tense.

The blacktop wasn’t sticking, but I could feel my boot heels sinking in slightly as I walked.

I mentioned jargon - I have no idea what a blacktop is, or how it sticks. It's not a huge problem, it's just that it will make some readers stop and take a second look for all the wrong reasons.

She had a bra on, just enough to make everything stand out perfectly.

Like Nikki, a few sentences felt awkward to me. Like the one above, it could have been 'tightened' to - Her thin bra made everything stand out perfectly.

She looked at me, then at the part. She handed it over. “Knock yourself out.” She looked a little weary, like she put too many miles in for too long.

Here you have four shes (three of them at the beginning of sentences) and two she lookeds, and while it's not a big deal, it kind of bogs a good story down. How about something like - She looked at me, then at the part. “Knock yourself out.” she said handing it to me. Too many miles for too long had made her weary.

Strong, with short nails. On anyone else, they would not have fit.

?

I peeked at her through the glass, as she started the open-air shower. Her lines were curvy and nice, smooth and sleek.. My cock began to swell as I watched. As pretty as she looked, it’s still creepy to try and sneak a peek, so I went off to start the pit for the night’s party.

Oh yes, I just bet your cock was hotter and harder than a - what was it you mentioned earlier - a pipe, a carb, or what ever, so how about a little more detail? Especially when you are writing in the first person, you can tell us all your wicked and evil little thoughts and feelings. We, the readers, want to know. Damn it, we need to know! In fact here I started to feel really excited. I thought - oh yes he's going to wank off now while he watches her in the shower' but oh no, instead you trotted off to that freaking custom built, six burner, big grill, cast iron, etc bbq of yours!

I could feel my halfway-hard dick beginning to crawl down the leg of my jeans, and I wanted to touch her so bad.

This could be just me, but I don't find a 'crawling' penis a turn on. I don't know, maybe that's the sensation men get, but I still prefer words like jerking and twitching when referring to a man getting aroused. And Dusk, how badly did you want to touch her? Did you want to fondle those ripe breasts of hers? Or were you maybe focused more on rubbing your hands over her cute ass? Don't hold back, we want all the details.

I was hard enough to hang a towel off my erection, but I smelled like I hadn’t had a bath in days.

A cock hard enough to hand a towel off? I really loved that line! (Only there's no need to mention you stink. Ok?)

Again here, I don't know if it was your intention to tease the reader, but here I though - oh yes here we go with the hot sex, but this time you wandered off to the freaking shower!

On to Touch, here I was all prepared for some sizzling lesbian sex, but bugger it, you rescued Lee before it could happen!

Then you slip off the to laundry with Lee, and I was sure there was going to be some naughty nookie in the nook, but no!

About here just after Lee slips her clothes in the dryer, I got confused about where you and she were. You seemed to be in the laundry one paragraph and back with your friends in the next.

Her hands slid up and down my back, grazing the curve of my butt as I pulled her close and ran my hands up and down her long, flowing body curves.

Nice imagery. Hot and steamy!

I shucked her pants off...

I love this image too.

Ok, about here when you slip her jeans off you mention she's not wearing any undies, but that's it. Was she shaved? Trimmed? What exactly did her sweet little pussy look like? I guarantee every straight male reading your story will want to know.

Impossibly, I felt myself getting harder, swelling even more in her mouth.

This doesn't make sense to me. I think it should be something like - I didn't think it was possible and yet I felt myself getting harder...

I could swear I felt her Adam’s apple as it slid past.

Ok, I know everything's bigger and better in Texas, but I'm still sure the women don't have Adam's apples. I think you meant to say something else there.

Sliding me out of her throat, she sat back on her knees and looked at me with eyes glassy with lust. “I need you inside me.”

Simple, sexy, and so very hot!

'I headr myself grunting' - minor typo.

Overall, a good read Dusk. I'm not sure if those little teases along the way were intentional or not. I guess the problem I see with them is that some readers may get impatient and possibly back off when they don't get the sex when they think they should. Mmm... a lot like some men I have met.

I hope this is more or less what you were looking for in feed back.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day now,

Alex (female half of the Bragis).