Another bi man whining, or something like that.

[dundeebi_guy]

So here’s the thing; I’m bi. I’m also married to a woman I love who knows I’m bi, and accepts me as I am. Here comes the but.

She is asexual, or near as damn it. I wish she wasn’t but she is. We’ve struggled with this for years, and it continues to take a toll on our relationship. I have a high sex drive, she has none. Sex is a difficult topic between us, so much so that there are parts of my sexuality that I just don’t feel comfortable discussing with her.

Part of me wants to just go out and play around, but I just can’t do it. I’m not suggesting it would be right, I know it wouldn’t, but I can’t help having these feelings. I can’t help that I want to enjoy having sex with someone who feels as I do, who likes the same things. Whe can actually feel real pleasure when I touch them. And I wish I could fully express my own sexuality. I hate that I have to repress it for her. And it’s destroying our relationship.

I know I should talk to her about this. I want to talk to her about this. But I know it will hurt her, and I just don’t want to do that. And I know I’m being selfish, I know there’s an element of “me, me, me” to this. But that’s just the way it is.

So I medicate with porn. Hardly perfect, but it keeps me from going completely insane. But it’s not enough.

I don’t know why I’m posting this here. I guess just because I’m nearing the end of my tether and I feel a need for support or something.

So that’s my story. I know, it’s hardly original, but maybe sharing it will make me feel a little better.

 

[haurni]

And it’s destroying our relationship.

I know I should talk to her about this. I want to talk to her about this. But I know it will hurt her, and I just don’t want to do that.

Destroying the relationship will hurt her too. Talk to her.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

You're absolutely right, and I know that conversation is coming. I guess I'm just dreading and trying to avoid it.

 

[SpoonThief]

There is help.

Hey there Dundee,

There is help and advice out there, you can get couples counselling for this sort of thing. You might have to pay or you might get it through the NHS or even a charity such as relate.

Start by letting your wife know how you feel and that you need this issue to be addressed. And this is the most important thing to keep in mind your not being selfish and your not the only couple or people going through this. Having a good physical relationship is normal, natural and good. You will be closer to your wife if you share the intimacy of a loving physical relationship and you will both feel better for it.

Good luck brother.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

Thanks for your reply. I agree that counselling is probably the best option, I just need to work up the courage to go there.

 

[SpoonThief]

Thanks for your reply. I agree that counselling is probably the best option, I just need to work up the courage to go there.

you can go alone or together whats important is taking the first step

 

[dundeebi_guy]

And yet I think that first step is the hardest. I'm scared enough of the prospect of talking g to my wife about this. The thought of opening up to a stranger, outside the relative anonymity of the Internet, is something else entirely.

I know I have to do it sooner or later, but It's hard to find that courage. I guess I'm scared of being judged, or of people seeing who I really am.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

My two penn'orth

Thanks for your reply. I agree that counselling is probably the best option, I just need to work up the courage to go there.

Go sooner rather than later. Life is not a rehearsal. We get one crack at this, so we'd better make the best of it. I really wish you luck and success.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

Thank you.

I think posting here has helped me make the first move. We had a good chat tonight, hopefully the first of many. I really hope we can keep moving forward.

 

[sr71plt]

I don't see why you don't talk to her about the matter before considering spending money for a counselor who is likely to just say you have to pin your wife down on the issue before deciding what else to do.

If, as you post, she knows you are bi--which presumably includes the knowledge that you'd have sex with either male or female--because her other choice is to think that you're asexual too (and there's nothing wrong with that, except that there's no reason for her to be thinking that if that's not the case), she should already know you have a problem that should be her problem as well.

You need to pin down whether she knows you are frustrated to the limit on not having sex (except with yourself, I presume) and whether she would OK or not with you having sex that isn't with her. And if she's OK with it, what sex would she be OK with. And if she's not OK with it and now knows but doesn't care that you want to have sex with someone else and are frustrated with the status quo, whether she is willing to go to counseling with you about it. 'Cause it doesn't sound like it's just your problem to face.

If, of course, you aren't just hoping to receive the encouragement/permission on this board to say "the hell it" and start looking for sex outside the marriage.

 

[haurni]

Thank you.

I think posting her has helped me make the first move. We had a good chat tonight, hopefully the first of many. I really hope we can keep moving forward.

Try to be open and honest and non-judgemental and hopefully she will be the same. Asynchronous levels of sexual need are a problem for both of you and the relationship as a whole and it's something that needs to be addressed. Tell her you love her and want to stay with her but that you can't carry on like this. If you both agree to open up the relationship, though, that option should be available for her as well, should she decide to take advantage of it. Make sure you set your boundaries, who has veto power, how often and/or under what circumstances you check in with each other on what you've been doing, how often you get tested, etc.

Best of luck.

 

[daisycarly]

you don't sound like you're being selfish at all...she is the selfish one if she doesn't take the time to listen to your needs and wants in the relationship.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

Thanks everyone. I really do appreciate the support.

I think a large part of the blame here is mine. I've been far too much of a coward about addressing these issues with her. Talking about this here has help push me in that regard and our discussion last night went well.

I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about an open relationship, clearly I have. But I think those thoughts largely come from that sense of need and disastisfaction within my marriage, and I'm hopeful that if we can work together to forge a good sexual relationship between us those thoughts will recede.

There's also an element of shame here I think, for both of us. I know I haven't always felt comfortable in my own sexuality, and the inadequacies of our sex life haven't helped that. I often feel ashamed of my own needs and desires, and that can't be helping. I think it certainly stops me being completely open with her and that's something I'm going to try and address.

Again, my thanks, it's helpful to be able to discuss this.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

you don't sound like you're being selfish at all...she is the selfish one if she doesn't take the time to listen to your needs and wants in the relationship.

I don't think she's being selfish, I think the fault is mine for not pushing the issue, and being too reluctant to address my own needs. I've been too scared to deal with our issues and it's just become the elephant in the room.

 

[Jack Makokov]

My question for you would be this: Did she know you were bi before you got married or is this something she found out later?

If it is something she found out later, it's entirely possible that her lack of arousal comes from the change in status. I don't know your wife (obviously) but many women do not find a man's interest in other men (or other women) to be an attractive thing. It could very well be that a revelation of your interests may have changed the way she views you.

I don't know your exact situation but I have seen this sort of thing happen with couples over the years. Something changes or is revealed (and it can be anything from something major to something minor) which alters how the other person is perceived and can change the attraction.

 

[PleasePeesMe]

Good point.

 

[dundeebi_guy]

She's always known I'm bi, I told her very early on in our relationship. It's never been an issue for her.