Angels and Demons: Chloe's Story

[Chickenchowmein]

At the suggestions of several other members I have moved all discussions of my new series to this thread. I received great reviews and (mostly) helpful suggestions on my first chapter and the second has just finished posting. So please read and let me know what you think.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2954548&page=submissions

 

[Iceprincess12]

At the suggestions of several other members I have moved all discussions of my new series to this thread. I received great reviews and (mostly) helpful suggestions on my first chapter and the second has just finished posting. So please read and let me know what you think.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=2954548&page=submissions

I read the first one. The beginning was pretty boring discussing the angel and demon war. No excitement, sense of battle, just a boring recounting. I smiled a little when I saw the class was bored as well.

The writing is fine, it reads easily and flows well. The sex was pretty detached, I didn't feel any connection to what she was doing.

My biggest question is why make this a demon/angel story. You have humanized her. If you took out the reference to her tail, she is just a girl. Her fears and emotions are the same. Why would demon or angel need to go to school? There isn't a sense of good vs evil in this story. I don't see the point in making them anything other than human because they act like humans.

Overall it's an easy read.

 

[SlightlyGone]

Seemed like you just wanted to write about a girl with a tail getting abused ... it's like you had and idea, but you said, 'fuck the idea, lets get down to the girl' and so any sense of story was thrown out the window.

Most people say cut words from your writing, I think you should add words. Lots of them.

 

[gamehawk]

It's a cool idea, but...

The story, at this point at least, feels like a bit of infodump followed by a bit of useless plot. I call it useless because it doesn't convey much about of the world or about the character, and kinda feels like a few sex scenes thrown together with a tiny thread of justification. If that's what you want, then disregard the rest of this, otherwise here's what I think you should do to fix it:

Start with the situation. Give only the backstory we need to (mostly)understand what's going on. I know the backstory of the world is fascinating, but to a reader it is the depth of the character and the plot that matters and the backstory just enriches them, but too much just gets in the way. And unless you associate that backstory to something the reader cares about, they won't even remember it 10 minutes later.

Emotion is important. Describe the character's emotions to the scenes, past and present. Emotional reactions to the situation let us understand more of the world and, more importantly, the character. We want to know who the character is. Tell us who she is, and why she does what she does.

And now for a list of all the questions left unanswered that I could think of.

Where does Chloe live? Where is her school? How big is it? How many students does it have? Do angels and humans go there as well? If so, is she looked down on by the humans and angels? How is her relation with her class? Is she that quiet kid in the corner that everyone picks on? The social butterfly? Does she flirt with everyone? Is that even allowed by school policy? Who are the people that like her and those who hate her? What about a guy/girl that she has a crush on? If demons are treated as second-class citizens and she is as beautiful as you say she is coupled with her basically non-existent parental protection and terrible socio-economic status, she is an easy target. Maybe she has teachers who threaten to fail her if she doesn't do them some favors, or some creepy guy with tons of connections that keeps bullying her and humiliating her in public. Maybe some of her characteristics contradict with her character. How did she get in the school in the first place? Was it a scholarship? State-funded? Is there a reason she has to wear that silly uniform? And who is Kelly? Where does she live? Is her situation as bad as Chloe's? How did they meet?

Whew. I think that's most of them, though I probably missed a few.

And lastly, a little trick. Keep the action fast-paced, but randomly digress in the middle of it and go on a 2-paragraph rant on some related topic. It seems counter-intuitive, but there are a few authors that do this regularly(go check out Cassandra Claire's books). When done right, it lets you write quick, tense scenes and fit in some backstory that the reader actually wants to read. For example, when Chloe is sitting at the monitor, go randomly digress on the state of jobs, and give us the backstory then explaining why jobs are so hard to find. By doing that, you link the tenseness of trying to find a job, a struggle many of us have faced or can understand, to the situation the character is in. This makes it more relatable, and thus makes us care about Chloe more, while also giving us a reason to care about the backstory, since it links to something we understand from our own experiences. It makes both the action and the backstory more memorable.

Another example. In the beginning of The Clockwork Angel, the very first sentence begins with a character stabbing someone with a glowing sword. We then get no further explanation for a few pages, till we get, "that's what Shadowhunters do, fight demons"(I'm paraphrasing, by the way, that's no the actual line) This answers our initial doubts, but raises even more questions. We get little breadcrumbs along the way, but we only learn what a Shadowhunter is about a third into the book.

 

[gamehawk]

Seemed like you just wanted to write about a girl with a tail getting abused ... it's like you had and idea, but you said, 'fuck the idea, lets get down to the girl' and so any sense of story was thrown out the window.

Most people say cut words from your writing, I think you should add words. Lots of them.

Lots and lots of words. You've got a lot of talking to do if you want this to be an actual story.

 

[Chickenchowmein]

Definitely grateful for all the feedback. As my story progresses I shall definitely keep it all in mind. Need to throw in some more tidbits of back story for sure. Maybe answer some of that plethora of questions, Mr. Gamehawk. Though, at least half of them are just because people are dicks. Thought that was obvious. Maybe not enough, though.

Anyway, just added chapter 3. As soon as it's approved and up, I'd love some more feedback. But, at the risk of disappointing some folks, I feel I should warn you that Chloe will not ever be raped. At least, not for reals.

 

[Chickenchowmein]

Yay, A&D Ch.3 is up. Be sure to check it out. Definitely think it's the best yet, by far.

 

[Asbel]

I used to roleplay a lot, and I feel like I've seen this exact character before. A succubus being forced to wear this skimpy outfit against her will, dreading her role as a demon of sex.

The father's logic didn't seem to follow any one train of thought, and I didn't feel an attachment to any characters here at all. How to remedy that? Well, you mention several times how she has to masturbate or at least satisfy herself sexually every day. Why don't we see more of that urge she struggles with over the course of her day? Why don't we see her in a suppressed environment where she has to wear a very long skirt and cover up, and it makes her feel so sweaty and hot she can't wait to bust out of her uniform?

I also agree with what everyone else has been saying. Actually, I read your story after you mentioned wanting to use my bondage angel idea in it... If your work improves and you do justice to it, I'm all for it, but as it stands now, I'd really rather see it get done somewhere else. I'm really sorry.

 

[Chickenchowmein]

Hmmm... rather confused here. I'm legit not sure if I suck or if I'm awesome. I've gotten a ton of encouraging but not overly detailed personal messages, saying it's the best ever. But at the same time, the people who actually want to stop and talk about it don't really seem to like it. Not sure if it's a question of personal taste or what. I will try to work on my character development, though. If this many people are bringing it up, it must be at least worth investigating.