Angel Wrestling League

[Stipend]

Hi guys,

I recently started writing a series called the Angel Wrestling League that is centered around characters who participate in a Female-Only Sexual Wrestling League. Right now, my latest addition to the story, Angel Wrestling League Ch. 4, is rated the highest of all stories in BDSM submitted within the last 30 days and second of all stories submitted in the last 12 months (I say that as I cautiously knock on wood). I hope you guys are interested in checking it out and if you have any feedback I'd love to hear it! Thanks!

Here is the link to the prologue:

https://www.literotica.com/s/angel-wrestling-league-ch-00

 

[myindeeds]

- Your chapter 00 is too short. Would you be happy if I finished my feedback with this sentence? I don't care if you call it a prequel, chapter 0 or whatever, it is a story all the same.

- you need an editor to clean up the minor mistakes scattered throughout your story.

-

"Everything that I've been training for the last 3 years is finally coming true, Cara thought

Do not have conversations with a character by themself, especially if you have their loyal sidekick in the passenger seat.

- I like how you have the 2 characters doing things differently to each other.

- After reading chapter 00 & 1, I have decided to revoke your license to use the word "thought", thought Myindeeds. Don't worry, you will love the creative solutions you will use instead.

- Try to avoid using "she" so often in girl-on-girl stories. You try your best to avoid confusing but it is not enough.

- Why was chapter 00 separated from chapter 1? Whatever reason it doesn't make me interested about the next chapter. (was chapter 1 going to be short and exposition heavy as chapter 00? Fortunately it wasn't, but I wouldn't know that if I didn't give chapter 1 another chance).

- less telling, more showing things happen: "My friend was clearly enjoying her dominance. . . " . OK, how was she clearly enjoying her dominance? I pick on this phrase as a symptom of a large problem.

- You are "I" heavy in some parts (especially at the end of chapter 1), try not to do that.

- I left this piece of feedback last because it is sort of debatable. You have been badly let down by your own exposition. Your use of exposition hasn't launched your story into action, it has cut down your freedom to naturally follow the story. Show more respect for the intelligence of your readers to understand the situation without exposition. For example in chapter 00 you have this:

"To the victor goes the spoils. In the Angel Wrestling League the spoils is another term for fucking the loser. The winner will have 10 minutes to do whatever she wishes to the loser, and the loser must comply. The more dominant, the more carnal, the more passionate the better. Special terms to the prize round such as bondage, anal and such may be added BEFORE the match in both wrestlers agree....

followed by more exposition dumping. It's bad not simply because of the large exposition dump, although it is in character, it's bad because it doesn't leave much room for drama or mystery. You could have left open some loopholes like saying the loser wouldn't be released until after 3 rounds. This would leave the rest of the time from subjugation to match end for the victor to use and abuse their victim. Instead you state it in the rules that the loser must be molested like it is preordained. That isn't necessarily bad if we are fear for the safety of a character, but I [we] don't, and the eventual sex is underwhelming. No suprises, no emotional turmoil and very little suspense.

You do it several times, like in the opponent selection and when laying down the rules for the allowed trainers

 

[Stipend]

I appreciate the input. Did you read all the stories? I realized around chapter 2 that I was adding too much detail so I tried to take out some of it to leave more to the imagination. Just wondering what you thought. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Eroticfan33]

Chapter 00

I read chapter 00 last night, and thought it was a pretty good set-up.

Unlike Myin, I found no problem with it. I like a story to be a little short, this is really true if I'm
On my Kindle (which I was).

Did you base your characters on real people? I ask because when you were telling about Cara's friend,
I got a Nikki Bella vibe.