anal insecurities

[kizzee]

Hello everyone,

I really need some advice and general opinions!

I will try to keep it concise. I am 21, my partner is 23, been together since late teens, now have a house together, I am an account manager and he is self employed.

We have always had a passionate relationship.

That has all gone. I used to love sex, and being close to him but now I can not bear it.

All this is because I feel confused. My partner enjoys anal sex, I have not ever minded and if I was also in the mood I could enjoy it very much too. But I am not sure if he is having homosexual fantasies whilst I am doing this. That is a real turn off.

It is so hard to put this across without sounding daft or stupid but it is really getting to me.

If I changethe vibrator I am using, and he asks 'did that dick had just cum in my tight little ass' or 'im a little dick slut' makes a lot of penis related comments whilst I am thrusting into him, and will also enjoy sucking dildos.

The annoying thing is though, if I didnt love him I wouldnt be bothered really what he was thinking and still be enjoying it. The thought that he is imagining having a man fuck him whilst I am destroys me. I am not against homosexuality at all, but I dont want my partner to be having these thoughts.

He asks for it a lot now, where as before it was a fortnightly thing before we shared a bath or something. Now it is almost every time. He will even just ride a dildo whilst I am sat there watching.

I fully understand why it is a turn on for him having his prostate pleasured, but I am just not sure that is all it is.

Any men out there who enjoy anal sex please can you tell me what it is you like? Should I have reason to be insecure? Am I just being stupid?

I want to enjoy sex again!! Good hard passionate sex.

Please help!

 

[kimbernee]

This took some parsing but I think I get it now. Your BF enjoys having a dildo in his ass and, more particularly, pretending the dildo is a real dick. And you're wondering if that makes him gay. Well, you're still a woman, so Dan Savage would probably say no, as long as he has no urge to take the pretending beyond pretending.

As for that, you're going to have to ask him. He may have gay fantasies or be bi or it may be more about pretending he's a woman than pretending he's with a man or it may just be dirty talk. Ask him.

 

[Chicklet]

Don't be too embarrassed or upset. This is something that a lot of women fear, even when they know it's not true. No, he's not having homosexual fantasies if he wants you to play with his butt.

As kimbernee said, Dan Savage does have a lot to say about how it's not homosexual for a man to want a woman to fuck him in the butt. It's homosexual if he wants a man to fuck him in the butt, and exclusively wants to have sex with men. Homosexual men don't want to have sex with women.

In fact, I highly recommend going through his column in your spare time and reading some of the responses he has to questions just like this. It might give you some extra confidence!

I found some here http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=2820617 but you could also do what I did and just google "Savage Love" which is the name of his column.

 

[infinity706]

I really think you're worrying way too much. Even if he does fantasize about guys, it's just a fantasy unless he actually wants to fuck guys. The whole point of fantasies is that they're different than what you're doing now. I'm sure if you're like the majority of women, you've probably had some fantasies of another woman even if you've never been attracted to a woman in your life. If you sit there and worry about your fantasies, you'll just cause a ton of unnecessary grief.

If it really is one of his fantasies and you can handle it, I'd even recommend watching some gay porn with him and maybe acting it out with him, using that dildo. Afterall, the whole point of fantasies is to get you turned on. It doesn't mean you have to actually go out and do them.

 

[SubNebGuy]

to add, it sounds like he has a little bit of a submission/humiliation fetish.

you should feel better that he's doing this all with YOU. he feels comfortable showing his sexuality and 'fetishes' to you.

however if its 'all the time' like you say, then you need to talk to him. we can't tell you what he's thinking, and open communication is the only way to have a healthy relationship on any level.

 

[silvastormcloud]

Whether he is gay, straight or is still learning isnt really the question. Its obvious that you two have desires and fantasies that you havent begun to discuss yet.

As SubNebGuy says it does sound like he wants to be dominated and you need to decide whether your ok with that

 

[YarnSpinner]

Why don't you just ask him?

But, really, I wouldn't worry. Maybe he's into submission and that is a turn on. Maybe he just really loves having his prostate stimulated, and maybe he just really loves anal sex. It's really hard to say what is going on in your boyfriend's mind. Point is - he's doing all this with you, a woman. He's turned on by being with you, a woman. Clearly indicative that he likes being with a woman.

Truly your best bet is to talk with him. If you want more variety in your sex life rather than just anal - tell him.

 

[Firebrain]

Is it the fact that you worry he's gay that's really bothering you or are you simply not into what he's into? If it's the latter, you have a problem.

 

[CaRaMeLPoleDoll]

something that seems to be skipped here is that it sounds like he is preferring anal sex than to have passionate sex with you. it comes accross that you are not getting the attention you need/want from your sexual encounters anymore.

I agree that you need to talk to him about it.

I also agree that it's a good thing he is so confortable with you to show that he likes it... a lot of guys are ashamed of liking this form of pleasure for the exact reasons that you worry about... "does it mean i am gay if i like it up the butt??"

communication is the key... tell him how you are feeling and that you aren't enjoying sex as much as you used to because it seems all HE wants is anal pleasure... (correct me if i'm wrong about seeing this as your sexual needs not being met)

 

[viper2000]

Really just seems you need to talk to him. Communication is a powerful tool and might quickly ease your fears.

 

[kizzee]

Thank you so much for all your responses.

It isnt the act of it that bothers me. I really enjoyed it when it was the occasional thing. It is enjoyable when he takes me anally too (although that is not often).

It is sexy to have the roles reversed.

And i also fully agree that if we worried about the fantasies we have we would have little time for anything else.

It is just becomming a concern that usual sexual intercourse with me isnt as good anymore because anal stimulation feels far better for him.

I have spoken to him about it and he got quite defensive so it wasnt something i pushed.

Any other women have any similar experiences, or am i just the unlucky one?

 

[lennythelion]

Really just seems you need to talk to him. Communication is a powerful tool and might quickly ease your fears.

I completely agree that communication is a powerful tool. However, so many people say that and then never do it. Not that they're lying, just that it is very difficult for most people to communicate properly. It"s not just about what you say, it's about how you say it AND, it's also very much about how the person you're talking to is prepared to receive what you're saying.

Some subjects are just more difficult to talk about also. Sex, for example, touches on psychological things that we are mostly unaware of ourselves. It is fraught with societal pressure.

So my suggestion is to frame things the way they teach you in couple therapy (which is really an exercise in communication): always make it about *you* and not *him*; don't say "you", say "I"; talk about your feelings as opposed to what he feels (as he probably genuinely doesn't know).

Hope this helps.

 

[kizzee]

Hi Lennythelion,

Thats a really interesting comment. On reflection I think I have tried to ask about him and his feelings, so he probably isnt really truely aware of how I feel.

Everyone has really opened my eyes. I cant expect him to be a mind reader so maybe if he knew how I was feeling it might make his feelings clearer.... who knows, but I think I will give that a go.

Thank you, x

 

[infinity706]

Well, it could just be that anal is more pleasurable for him than anything else. There's plenty of guys that would rather have a blowjob than get fucked, too. Afterall, everyone's body is different. I wouldn't even think that's anything to worry about. I'd say, go on and have fun with the anal thing. Just make what you want clear to him, as well.

 

[kizzee]

Hi,

Yeah somehow I managed to do two posts the same so I do apologise for that. I am going to say this on both of them though...

To be honest I think that my inexperience and naivety has shone through to the maximum here!

I did gently broach the subject over the weekend with him, and I received a reassuring response. He agreed he had been a little self-indulgent recently and could understand why I hadn't been so excited by it all. He also admitted that he hadn’t realised how much we were doing, and said it wasn't something he wanted to be doing so frequently either.

He explained that he didn't want sex with another man because there would not be any physical attraction, (which certainly reassured me) but he couldn't explain why he likes it as he does. I think the rest of you might have got it though - the submissive being fucked from behind sensation etc. I love being a women, I love the way he can pick my little body up and take me, its exhilarating and amazing so I can understand that. Like you said, he is sharing it with me and enjoying it with me.

I have no reason to not trust or believe what he says so I may as well chill out and enjoy it and stop my crazy insecurities of ruining it for me.