An unusual work - comments appreciated

[SiouxDonim]

Hi all,

I've submitted a few stories already but don't think that this latest effort fits in too well with my usual style - hence the pseudonym. I'm not even sure whether it sits in the right category (horror), since it is essentially a joke...

As ever, I would be grateful for feedback - and fascinated to see if anyone can work out who I really am...


Awakening....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386948

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I don't care what other nom de guerre you write under, I just read the story.

IMHO, it is poor. You completely misunderstand the mental state when in a coma - awarenes of external stimuli and all that - and you develop a rather tedious monologue without plot until a rather telegraphed denouement.

The coma phase is just an excuse for backstory when it could be a platform for 'out of body' descriptions. With this you raise expectation of femininity, then dash them as he regains consciousness - then the conclusion can work as both surprise and amusement.

I only got to the end because you asked for a critique. Perhaps in venturing away from your normal style you didn't feel comfortable, I don't know, but this is a bit labored and has been done before on Lit.

Sorry

 

[poppy_cock]

I have to agree with Elle, the coma stuff was pretty inaccurate. As was the majority of the medical stuff. You wouldn't be extubated (that's having the breathing tube removed) within moments of being woken up. Weaning (a medical term for the transition between having breathing support and having that support withdrawn) isn't generally such a rapid process, and is best done with the patient's co-operation. It also seems unlikely that your character would still be in so much pain 4 months after the accident. Most body damage would've rectified in that time (and given that we're talking a brain transplant, why does anything hurt at all, other than his/her head?). And you don't withhold food just because a patient's catheterized. Oh dear, I could go on and on...

Without meaning to sound rude, it sounds like your medical knowledge has been gleaned from watching hospital soaps.

And it's 'a joke'? How is being a man stuck in a woman's body a joke?

 

[JackLuis]

Hi all,

I've submitted a few stories already but don't think that this latest effort fits in too well with my usual style - hence the pseudonym. I'm not even sure whether it sits in the right category (horror), since it is essentially a joke...

As ever, I would be grateful for feedback - and fascinated to see if anyone can work out who I really am...


Awakening....

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=386948

Nice story and I wouldn't worry too much about the critic of the medical stuff too much.

I wonder how many of them every had a brain transplant, so how much could they really know?

I'm working on a story about a Psycologist and having a Psych friend of mine help me, she gives me shit about my lack of understanding of how a Dr. would do things, but she doesn't tell me how to make it better only that it is impossible that a Dr. would care about money or stoop to fucking the chauffer.

There are a few rough edges but not many. I gave it a 4.

 

[JamesMcIntyre]

Joke?

And it's 'a joke'? How is being a man stuck in a woman's body a joke?

It's a bloody nightmare.