An Unexpected Surprise

[victorious]

I had my story titled An Unexpected Surprise posted today on Literotica. This is my first submission.

I would appreciate feedback and comments from other writers/editors.

Thanks
Victorious

 

[nakdsub]

Not bad for the first time...

I would watch repeating myself, "she did as she was told," appears 3 or 4 times very closely together. Also you might want to try to put a little more emotion in there. I personally like more diaglogue but that's just me.

You might also try making it a little more exciting and pulling the reader into more. I would have started out with putting my hand over her mouth, then back tracking.

"Keep quiet," I said, clamping my hand over her mouth, "don't do anything stupid."

 

[MaxSebastian]

Here's a link for others wanting to provide feedback on this story (always a good idea to add a link to your story if you're looking for comments in this Forum).

I think nakdsub hit the nail on the head saying you need more emotion in your writing.

You've written a very short story that is almost entirely without feelings and the kind of sensual experience that really brings out the arousal in your audience. There's precious few details about who these characters are and how they interact (as nakdsub suggests, put more dialogue in there somehow).

In this piece, you start out by telling us (rather than showing us) what the fantasy of the protagonist's wife entails, and you do so very quickly summing it all up, perhaps thinking you need to quickly get us to the sex scene. So, you've ruined any possibility you might have at suspense by giving the whole game away at the start, and the reader is somehow already disengaging from your writing because they're being talked at.

Slow down, show us what the Asian wife's fantasy is, take us through it step by step. If you're writing from the husband's perspective, show us what he does to drive her crazy - and let us know how he feels about what is going on as it transpires.

Use all five of the senses to detail what is happening - you've mostly just listed what happens in this story, letting us know visually what is happening, without furnishing us with the details about what the protagonist smells, feels, hears and tastes.

Then add in some emotions - what are his hopes, his fears? Why does he feel motivated to fulfill his wife's fantasy in this way? What are the risks and the rewards. Role play can really stir the emotions if the character is thinking about the dangers involved - they might be nervous that it will all go to plan, that it will lead to arousal and satisfaction rather than upsetting the wife or terrifying her too much.

What if he breaks in in burglar form, and she calls the police?

When he's trying out the ginger, the reader might want to know details like where the protagonist learned about the possibilities of fresh ginger in sex play, how was he inspired to try it? Then if this is the first time, there's the risk that she'll really hate it, that it will hurt, but what if it makes her come like never before? How would he feel about that?

At the moment, this is just too cold and distant, and therefore the reader is not going to engage with the characters and the sexual situations involved.

Erotic stories need to be more than just a list of stage directions for how two characters go about getting themselves off, this is the opportunity to really give your readers an experience.