KillerMuffin
Seraphically Disinclined
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2000
- Posts
- 25,603
Just what the fuck is it with the VA thinking they can schedule a pap smear any time they feel the need to view a cervix up close and personal? Just oh my mother fucking gawd. I had one in December and I had to get one again yesterday. Why? Nobody knows! The women's health people just stared at each other blankly when asked. But it said it right there so down I had to go.
It's not bad enough that you show up for an appointment you didn't know you had, but damn, they wanna go poking and prodding at ya. Yes, I have a scar on my left breast. Yes, it's freaking huge and yes, it's made by a knife. No, I didn't have a biopsy. No, I didn't have plastic surgery gone horribly awry. The scar is twelve years old, just oh my fucking gawd, how many times do I have to explain that it has nothing to do with now???? And what does it have to do with that ominous piece of metal they simply must pull out of the refridgerator and brandish about?
Now let's talk about KY etiquette. USE IT!!! Unless you gonna go down and lick the hell out of it, you'd better not be sticking that speculum where I can't see it without some motherfuckin KY. I consider the introduction of metal objects straight from the freezer without the benefit of a good dose of KY to be sexual assault and I will defend myself. At the very least I will bellow with every single bit of my lung capacity for the StudMuffin and you can worry about the enraged 215 pound beast throwing himself bodily at the door, making the wall shudder and sheetrock from the ceiling break off and fall on the floor. Sumbitches. Clue number 2. Don't use too much, okay? You don't have to squirt a gallon up in there, enough to make it slippery is just fine. I don't need to stand up and have it pour into my socks.
Can't you nuke that fucking speculum or something? I mean mother fuck. Run it under hot water or stick it in a heating pad. By the way, this is the year 2001. We are officially in a NEW MOTHERFUCKING MILLENIUM!!!! Okay? It's not 194fuckin2. Put that nasty spanish inquisition metal speculum into the freaking trash where it belongs. We have nice pretty less icy plastic ones. The design is improved so I don't have to walk around all day like someone just shoved a hockey stick the wrong way up in there. With KY in my socks no less. Muther fuck.
Must you people sit there and stare up into my insides for about five minutes, poke the living hell out of me with the stupid q-tips cause you keep fucking up the first time, then look up from between my legs with a confused expression and ask me if I'm sure I had a child. Oh my fucking gawd, like I could have missed that one.
Which brings me to the end of the exam. Two words for ya. Moist towelettes. Okay? STOCK THEM!!!!! Kleenex just doesn't do the trick, I still have to wander around the fucking hospital for a few hours trying to figure out just what the hell it is that you people want me to do. It really sucks to do that with KY sticking to your thighs.
I think I've been traumatized. I feel like using that archaic ice cold speculum sans KY to play a little baseball with someone's balls. If I can find the mutherfuckers.
It's not bad enough that you show up for an appointment you didn't know you had, but damn, they wanna go poking and prodding at ya. Yes, I have a scar on my left breast. Yes, it's freaking huge and yes, it's made by a knife. No, I didn't have a biopsy. No, I didn't have plastic surgery gone horribly awry. The scar is twelve years old, just oh my fucking gawd, how many times do I have to explain that it has nothing to do with now???? And what does it have to do with that ominous piece of metal they simply must pull out of the refridgerator and brandish about?
Now let's talk about KY etiquette. USE IT!!! Unless you gonna go down and lick the hell out of it, you'd better not be sticking that speculum where I can't see it without some motherfuckin KY. I consider the introduction of metal objects straight from the freezer without the benefit of a good dose of KY to be sexual assault and I will defend myself. At the very least I will bellow with every single bit of my lung capacity for the StudMuffin and you can worry about the enraged 215 pound beast throwing himself bodily at the door, making the wall shudder and sheetrock from the ceiling break off and fall on the floor. Sumbitches. Clue number 2. Don't use too much, okay? You don't have to squirt a gallon up in there, enough to make it slippery is just fine. I don't need to stand up and have it pour into my socks.
Can't you nuke that fucking speculum or something? I mean mother fuck. Run it under hot water or stick it in a heating pad. By the way, this is the year 2001. We are officially in a NEW MOTHERFUCKING MILLENIUM!!!! Okay? It's not 194fuckin2. Put that nasty spanish inquisition metal speculum into the freaking trash where it belongs. We have nice pretty less icy plastic ones. The design is improved so I don't have to walk around all day like someone just shoved a hockey stick the wrong way up in there. With KY in my socks no less. Muther fuck.
Must you people sit there and stare up into my insides for about five minutes, poke the living hell out of me with the stupid q-tips cause you keep fucking up the first time, then look up from between my legs with a confused expression and ask me if I'm sure I had a child. Oh my fucking gawd, like I could have missed that one.
Which brings me to the end of the exam. Two words for ya. Moist towelettes. Okay? STOCK THEM!!!!! Kleenex just doesn't do the trick, I still have to wander around the fucking hospital for a few hours trying to figure out just what the hell it is that you people want me to do. It really sucks to do that with KY sticking to your thighs.
I think I've been traumatized. I feel like using that archaic ice cold speculum sans KY to play a little baseball with someone's balls. If I can find the mutherfuckers.
