An oldie but still goodie

[rgraham666]

The Laws of Work.

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
2. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
3. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.
4. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
6. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
7. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
9. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
10. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
11. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
12. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
13. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
14. Arriving to work early sets an expectation that your less ambitious co-workers will not appreciate.
15. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
16. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
17. To err is human, to forgive is not a part of company policy.
18. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
19. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
21. You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.
22. The people chosen to go to conferences are always the party animals with no intention of learning a thing.
23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
26. Following the rules will not get the job done.
27. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
28. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
29. No matter how much you do, you never do enough, let alone too much.
30. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

I am now recalling one of the major reasons I went insane.

 

[Guest]

1. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

31. Project managers never were any good at maths.

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

 

[NoJo]

I worked ten years in a major Cty investment bank.

I was an employee for a year and a half, but most of the time I was an independnet consultant. This was deliberate, because I couldn't hack the politics.

One thing that used to make me laugh was the way someg uys would leave their jacket draped over a chair when they left for the night, so you couldn't tell they'd gone. And if you got in early and saw the jacket, you'd think they'd got in before you. Pathetic.

 

[Guest]

I worked ten years in a major Cty investment bank.

I was an employee for a year and a half, but most of the time I was an independnet consultant. This was deliberate, because I couldn't hack the politics.

One thing that used to make me laugh was the way someg uys would leave their jacket draped over a chair when they left for the night, so you couldn't tell they'd gone. And if you got in early and saw the jacket, you'd think they'd got in before you. Pathetic.

Hey! i used to do that when i was married.

 

[cloudy]

8. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

12. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

13. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

21. You are always doing something frivolous when the boss drops by your desk.

25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

26. Following the rules will not get the job done.

30. The last person that quit or was fired will be blamed for everything that goes wrong.

These cracked me up. Even though I'd seen them before, I'd forgotten how accurate they are - especially in retail.

 

[rgraham666]

When I was working I always felt like Norman in the old Star Trek episode.

"I must finish the work. The work will not be finished if I follow the rules. But the rules must be followed. The work will not be finished if I follow the rules. I must finish the work. I… Must… Work… Rules…"

And then my head explodes in a shower of sparks.

You can only do that so many times before it leaves a mark.

 

[BlackShanglan]

10. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

Or, indeed, when they talk about improving anything whatsoever. I used to work with the boss from Hell. It's all coming back to me *shudder*

Thank God, I now have the Ideal Boss. It's an utter pleasure to work with the man.

Shanglan

 

[maggot420]

We the willing, led by the knowing
Are doing the impossible for the ungrateful
We have done so much, for so long, with so little,
We are now qualified to do anything with nothing.

 

[R. Richard]

31. When a problem requires a sequence of meetings, eventually the meetings will become more important than the problem.