...an itch we know we're gonna scratch...

[discreetplay]

Been married 10 years to my childhood sweetheart. Her sex drive stalled out shortly after her first taste of our wedding cake. It has been a bit of a roller coaster for me. Most of the time, she really brings joy to my life, but I feel like I've been begging the love of my life for sex for a decade. Over the last year of so, I just gave up. Unfortunately, intimacy seems to have gone out the window as well. On top of it all, my wife has always been a very jealous (insecure) woman. So not only does she not want me getting my kicks with her, she also will not stand for me going to strip clubs, adult websites, hooters, etc...

It sucks.

About a year and a half ago, I met someone at work. We hit it off immediately and really have come to enjoy each other's company. Of course, she is also married to a cold duck. Co-incidentally, our kids are in the same 2nd grade classroom as well as various extracurricular groups. So we have spent a fair amount of time together outside of work as well.

We both have known what direction we are headed for quite some time and we have been very honest with each other about it, but we have been holding back. We haven't wanted to hurt our spouses or our children.

Here it comes.

Two nights ago, I was following her home after a late night at the office when she called me on my cell phone just to chat. The conversation turned to sex and she mentioned that she hadn't washed her hands after masturbating in the ladies room at work (she likes to tease me). We were pulling up to a stop and go light when I told her, rather forcefully, to turn left. To my surprise she obeyed. We pulled into an empty parking lot in the industrial park. I got out of my vehicle and into hers and immediately began to kiss her. I kissed and nibbled on her lips, chin and neck. I told her to hold up the finger she had been using. She did. I began to lick it from top to bottom and back up the other side. After doing this a few times, I took it in my mouth and gave it a "blow job". She asked me if I could taste it. I could, but I told her no and that she should put another coat of her juices on it for me.

I helped her undo her pants and we lowered them and her panties down to her ankles so she could spread her knees. I ran my fingers down her abdomen to her pussy. I couldn't believe how wet she already was! I began to play with the folds of her cunt with my fingertips and lifted her blouse and bra with my other hand. While circling her clit with my fingers, I began to circle her nipples with my tongue. I then slid my middle finger into her and played with her clit with my thumb while sucking and biting her nipples. I was rolling her nipples back and forth between my teeth when I slid my ring finger in her as well.

That's when she came. I held my arm tightly around her back and continued helping her get off until I felt her body relax and her breathing return to normal. Then she told me to slid my pants off. I actually protested for a little bit, telling her we didn't have time and that I wanted our "first time" to last longer. I thought she was going to climb on and ride me. She told me that this wasn't going to be our first time. "Our first time, we will have a room and it will last for hours." She breathed.

I slid my pants down and she proceeded to dive into my lap with her tongue. She wrapped her lips around my shaft and took the whole thing in her mouth in one downstroke. She sucked me like a woman possessed for about five minutes, sliding all the way up and down my cock with her mouth while massaging my balls and stroking my shaft with her hands. I don't remember ever cumming so hard from a blow job in my entire life. She kept me in her mouth and swallowed every last drop of my semen. When she finally came up for air we shared a passionate kiss. It was the best blow job I've had in over a dozen years.

So here's my quandry: we are both very discreet people and the chance of anyone ever knowing is minute, but there is still a chance. We have decided that leaving our families is not an option for either of us. Do I back away and be content with the forbidden acts we have already shared? Or do I continue to dance with the flame and risk hurting my family even more?

I apprecaite any advice offered. I may not heed it, but I would like to know your thoughts.

 

[Ravin the Poet]

Your bothing cheating...thats all that matters to me.


I've spoke out about this a number of times. I'm 19 and not married, but see a very large problem when it comes to men and women not getting enough at home, so they seak else where. it would be nice to know what your family life is like. What else do you and your wife share besides sex. I've spent a good deal of time on this forum, viewing people who don't have a sex life after marriage. If sex is really all you want now, then why stay married.

I've never believed in the "staying together for the kids" because it will hurt them more in a house that there is no love. You got two options...either continue to cheat on her, or don't. No one can really give you advice because each couple is different.


Ravin

 

[Shyguy1369]

Well I have no real experience myself, but something that I told another friend of mine in a similar situation seemed to help. Now this may not be for you as with my other friend there were no children involved, but you said you wanted to hear thoughts so here is mine. Follow your heart. I know it sounds stupid and maybe a little lame, but your heart will tell you what you should do. Instincts are another good thing, your heart and your instincts may contradict, but they will give you a good indication of which direction you should head in. I know this may not help you, but it is what I believe you should do.

 

[mdutchess28]

do you want the advice of "the other woman" or the advice from "a woman" in general.....

 

[discreetplay]

both

do you want the advice of "the other woman" or the advice from "a woman" in general.....

I'd like the advice of both.

 

[discreetplay]

follow my heart

Follow your heart. I know it sounds stupid and maybe a little lame, but your heart will tell you what you should do. Instincts are another good thing, your heart and your instincts may contradict, but they will give you a good indication of which direction you should head in.

Good advice. It sounds like something I would say.

 

[LastoftheGreatMikeys]

Dude, you and your wife are far past due for a long talk, possibly in the presence of a councillor.

It is possible there are medical reasons for your wife's low sex drive. There might be psychological or emotional reasons too. Find out.

Trust me, cheating will end up badly. Sooner or later everyone who cheats gets caught. Guilt is hard to hide. You WILL hurt your wife WHEN she finds out. Right now it's a mild crime. Don't cross the line into a major one. Take care of the real problem, not the symptom.

 

[discreetplay]

answer to raven

We spend almost all of our free time together. We share damn near everything. I have never believed in "staying together for the kids" either. I do, however, come from a family that didn't stay together for us kids. My brother's life has been 30 years of hell. I know it's not all because his mommy left him, but that's were it started. I'm also a little reluctant to punish the love of my life for simply not having the same desires that I do.

What I did the other night goes against everything I have ever stood for. I believe in being faithful, loyal and in loving my wife. I believe that if you don't want people to find out you did something--then you shouldn't have done it. I believe that marriage vows are meant to last a lifetime. That being said, deep down--I know I'm glad I did it.

 

[discreetplay]

Dude, you and your wife are far past due for a long talk, possibly in the presence of a councillor.

Long talks about it we've had. Not in front of a counselor, however. In her world, nothing seems to be wrong. Therefore, no need for a counselor--I just need to "quit being such a horndog."

Again, it sounds like the kind of advice I would give.

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

I am in no way condoning your straying, nor am I condemning you either, but I would suggest picking up a certain book before you continue.... "The 50-Mile Rule" by Judith Brandt. There are quite a number of eye-opening chapters that might be helpful for you, and your marriage.... and yes, counseling is another good idea. Good luck, and please think things thru before succumbing to that lust and desire.... and you are welcome to PM me if you want to discuss further.

CA

 

[shyly curious]

You started down this road a long time ago. If not physically, then emotionally.

Cheating is wrong. And what you are doing is cheating. You know this. You want to be self indulgent and have it all. Life is not like that.


Either get counseling with your wife, leave your wife, or stop cheating.

But you know all this don't you.

 

[CaLadyInRed69]

Hmmmmmmm....... a friend told me long ago......
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." a quote by Erica Jong

 

[discreetplay]

But you know all this don't you.

Yes, unfortunately I do.

 

[Peregrinator]

Dude, I've been there, on both sides, multiple times. My first ilicit said something to me that has stuck with me: "(Cheating is) a slippery slope." Meaning, and she was absolutely right, that once you've done it, A) you can't regain your integrity in that relationship, and B) it's so, so, so much easier tha next time. I agree with shyly; get counseling together, leave your wife, or stop cheating. You're going to hear the same advice over and over and over again, because in the end, a few thousand years of experience tell us that we always get caught when we cheat, we should follow our hearts, and we should stop, get counseling, or leave. I have been at times too stupid to follow this basic truth, but I am not right now...in this moment at least.

I wanted to address something related, which is that I have also been the guy in the longterm committed relationship wherein the sex disappeared. I can remember saying things like, "I feel like you took my sex life over and then threw it in the closet when you got bored." I remember feeling like I had given up a basic personal freedom, sacrificed something essential to the whim of another. It was a sort of mind-cancer, and it spread through my mind until I was seriously considering cheating again. We had no kids to make us feel like there was any external reason to stick it out, and she wasn't real happy in the relationship either, so it ended with us pretty close friends. I'm lucky now...see Rosco's lechery thread in the GB, for example. But I know that feeling, and it's powerful, and it requires a major intervention NOW, before it becomes all-encompassing and unfixable. One often-overlooked possibility is that of becoming a hottie yourself again. So many times in relationships we start taking each other for granted, get a little lazy, we learn each other's secrets, the mystery is gone. Join a gym and start working out. Take up a martial art. Study a language. Change something about yourself, get a little dynamic, and see if some interest doesn't rekindle.

Good luck, and feel free to PM.

 

[discreetplay]

always get caught?

One thing that drives me nuts is when someone asks me for advice and then argues with the advice I give. Please don't think that is what I am doing here, but I have a disagreement of principle.

I've heard several times, here and elsewhere, that cheaters always get caught. I don't believe in words like always and never. I do understand that the odds or not in my favor, but I reject the idea that anything "always" happens.

The only reason we have no proof that some cheaters haven't been caught is that they haven't been caught.

I don't disagree with anything else that has been said so far. Please continue the feedback.

 

[Peregrinator]

Re: always get caught?

One thing that drives me nuts is when someone asks me for advice and then argues with the advice I give. Please don't think that is what I am doing here, but I have a disagreement of principle.

I've heard several times, here and elsewhere, that cheaters always get caught. I don't believe in words like always and never. I do understand that the odds or not in my favor, but I reject the idea that anything "always" happens.

The only reason we have no proof that some cheaters haven't been caught is that they haven't been caught.

I don't disagree with anything else that has been said so far. Please continue the feedback.

This is an accurate, if somewhat sophistic, point. Sure, it can happen. I'll say that not all of my...experiences have seen the light. Sometimes I wasn't caught; I confessed. Fact is, it's stressful. You have this constant paranoia going on...you have to act like nothing's going on, but every once in a while some innocent moment will make you wonder if it's an allusion to a suspicion in the speaker's mind....In Bright Lights, Big City, Jay McInerney penned a classic line: "The stereo is a special model that plays only music fraught with poignant associations." Your whole life gets that way. A co-worker innocently teases you about the way you smile at your fling partner, and you don't know how defensive to act, whether this is a threat to your cover, or just a co-worker's innocent teasing. You become conscious of whose car i sin the parking lot at work...it goes on and on. That's the sense of the always get caught concept. You'd have to be an nsa operative with deep cover experience to carry this on for long. It's hard, and it requires a certain skillset and dispassionate, tactical acting ability. But, man, that bj was the most exciting thing that's happened in ten years, uh?

 

[discreetplay]

Re: Re: always get caught?

But, man, that bj was the most exciting thing that's happened in ten years, uh?

What a wonderfully horrible way to end a perfect argument for me to not slide down the slope of infidelity! Yes it was--and that is a factor not to be overlooked.

 

[Missingmeds]

Just my 0.2 worth.

Discreet, it is totally up to you what you do about your situation. But I do have this to say. You have spent 10 years talking about this. That is 10 years wasted. You can go to a councilor if you want, but they didn't help my marriage any in the long run. She has to want things to change for that to happen.

You don't address how often you are having sex so I am going to say twice a month as a guess. Now I am going to give you my advice on the matter.

Send the kids away for a weekend when you both have a low stress weekend coming up. Sit her down, not in the bedroom, take the phone off the hook or turn the ringer off, make sure that you are not going to be interrupted or distracted by anything. Then just tell her flat out that you are unhappy. Use I, me, my in this discussion. Make it about what you are unhappy about, what you want more of.

If you want to get councilling and you both agree to it, then I would also suggest setting a time limit for things to start to improve.

I spent 15 years of my life being unhappy. Simply because once the ring was on my finger, his sex drive went down to near zero. I wasted years with a councilor and nothing ever got better. I am now divorced and it will be 3 years come April that we went our separate ways.

I couldn't be happier with my life.

 

[discreetplay]

Did you have children?

missingmeds,

Did you have kids? If so, how where they affected?

 

[Missingmeds]

I had no children with my ex, but as a child that came from a divorced home that only the male parent was present, I can tell you that we,(myself and the siblings) werenever so glad of anything in our lives as the day he got his final decree in the mail.

 

[Laoghaire]

What baffles me most is I've read several times here that once people got married their sex drive went to an all time low. I don't get that at all. There must be something psychological happening once you slip that ring on. So, why d'you get married in the first place? Many live-in couples are quite happy without burdonning themselves with marriage.

Having an affair with the co-worker but meanwhile staying in an unhappy marriage with wifey is quite unfair. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Ultimately, your wife will get hurt and depending on how she'll react, you'll end up losing a lot in the end. Is it really worth it? You should've dealt with your sex issues as soon as things started to mellow down. Communication is the key (or rather *a* key) to a healthy relationship/marriage.

My question to you is how you would feel if it were to happen to you? What would you say or how would you react if your wife was humping a co-worker while you're thinking that everything's alright?

 

[Wolf of Mibu 69]

^ I think if that happens, it means that, almost certainly, you've married the wrong person. A lot of married couples that truly love each other have great sex lives.

 

[keesli moloko]

Okay, let's lay it all out.
You want to have sex with this woman and this consumes you right now. You think of how it felt to have her mouth wrapped around your cock, her body clenching around you and you want to be buried in her and feel her cum with you as she screams your name, right? I'll say again, this thought cycle consumes you. There is a very thin line between what and how we act socially and what our base-animal nature wants us to do.
I don't want to argue 'mind over matter' or animal instincts vs. socially imbued ideals. What I want you to see is that it is this image that is blocking out everything else for you. Don't dismiss it. Think through it.

You have been denied the expression of the sexual side of you for years and now I'm guessing you see this as what you deserve on some levels. I've been in a similar position before, and I blew it (bad choice of words). I allowed it to be "all about me" and my wants and what I thought I deserved that I wasn't getting from my relationship. It always comes around to bite you in the ass.

Let's say you stay with your wife and nothing is solved, but you are getting sex somewhere else, so it doesn't matter to you that the marriage isn't healthy. Do you think you wouldn't find more things over time that you thought you "deserved" and that could be hidden from your family as well? AND that according to you this woman (whichever woman you chose to be with for sex) would NOT want more of your time/commitment? No, she would only want to be your lover, and even if she did want more from you, well, you could just break her heart and move on.

Even then, as you luckily escape all the other mistakes that would normally and naturally occur for anyone in that situation (except you), even then, what do you say to your kids when they lie? That good people don't? What would you feel like when they say you are their hero and you know deep down that you don't deserve their adoration because you cheat on their mother?

I know this is harsh, but I want you to really think this through. It's such a shitty thing to do because YOU will still know you are doing it. And if you are a good man (which you seem to be as far as I can tell on here) then it will hurt you over time, regardless of if others find out or if you "get away with it".

By the way, the heaping on of guilt comes courtesy of my catholic upbringing. This is just my way of giving a little of it back to the world, through you! feel free to pm me...if you dare

 

[Invisible One]

You wanted people's opinions, so here's mine.

Assuming your childhood sweetheart is the same age as you and that you had no children out of wedlock....

You have a thirty-one year old woman who is running herself ragged caring for three kids under the age of ten and you wonder why she has no interest in sex?

More than likely she is the one who has to make sure Johnny gets to his doctor appointments, Suzy has the right books for school and little Timmy isn't terrorizing the cat again. Not to mention cooking and laundry and all the other chores that come along with having three little ones running around. And as much as men like you want to say you help out around the house, the majority of the work, both physical and mental, of raising kids falls on the mother. Even on a good day, by the time ten o'clock rolls around and the kids are in bed, your wife is probably too damn exhausted to do anything but pass out.

So what does our fine, upstanding discreetplay do to remedy the situation? Do you send your wife away by herself for a weekend so she can recharge emotionally? Do you give her time to herself so she can remember what it's like to be someone besides Johnny, Suzy and Timmy's Mom? Do you find out from your wife what you can do to make things better at home? Nope. You just becomes another demand on your already stressed out wife and whine that you aren't getting laid enough, when she would kill just to get eight straight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

And when she gets hurt and upset that you sees her as nothing more than a warm place to put your dick, what do you do? You find another warm place to put your dick--a place that won't ask you to take out the garbage or nag that you haven't mowed the grass in a week. Of course, it's all ok with you because you are getting what you want and no one will ever find out, right?

Do your wife a favor and leave her. If you poured half as much energy into your relationship with her as you have into fucking around with your coworker, perhaps you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. Your wife deserves to have someone who loves and respects her enough to understand that there is more to marriage than sex and that caring for a family sometimes means making sacifices we don't necessarily want to, and obviously you aren't man enough to be that kind of man.

 

[shyly curious]

I want to jump back in here for a moment. I went thru the "hardly any sex thing" with my ex. 8 times a year on a good year. So I do understand the frustrations. We had no kids, I worked and cooked and did laundry and helped with her horse etc etc. But sex wasn't available most months, then 2-3 times in a month and then nothing for months.

So, I suggest you split the problems into logical steps. What are the problems, what are the symptoms. Make a list of the symptoms and put it aside. Make a list of the problems and only the problems, and make an effort to fix the problems.

Your original post gives the impression you started flirting with the co-worker before you gave up on your marriage. That is the little head doing the thinking. And very disrespectful to your wife, your family, and to yourself.

What do you want in life??? Think real hard, 'cause you are going to have to live with your answer real soon.

Why should your wife want you as her husband, really, give yourself an honest answer, why should she want you?

If you want a marriage, make yourself into a good husband. If you can honestly say you are a good and complete husband worthy of her, then why are you two not communicating and working together to solve your mutual issues?

There is far more to this situation then you have shared, that is fine, but you have to look at all the facts and behaviors and problems to find solutions that work for you and your wife. If you can't, get out and start over.

And if you do get out and start over, date a single woman for gosh sakes.

imho