An ill-advised admission

[Lucifer_Carroll]

So here it goes.

I got a little bit of a breather recently and I used it to get reaquainted with some old comic books. I went and saw V for Vendetta, which I felt was good and as faithful as possible in Hollywood. And to check I reread the old comic book. Then since I was on a politico kick anyway, I finally finished reading Transmetropolitan.

Now that's all an aside really, but also a build-up. The line that struck me most in the movie and the book of V was the fact that integrity was the last scrap of a person. Take that and add it to a comic book series which violently defended the truth as the one true thing worth protecting and serving and you get me in an exceedingly truthful feeling mood.

Perhaps that's why I'm going a step too far today and only time will tell if it is worthy of the great amount of fear I feel in telling you. But let's be frankly honest, on some level, I'm tired of being a coward, of hiding this piece of me, this important piece of me. Living in a fucking closet sucks and it's made me appreciate viscerally the fear my gay friends had to deal with in their beginnings. Anyway, I should probably get to it instead of wasting time with personal bullshit.

A little while ago, about a year or so, I finally admitted to myself something I had only suspected and in retrospect knew all along, something that was so obvious I have no idea why I didn't just accept it earlier. Something about my sexuality.

I am an asexual porn writer.

No, this isn't a joke. It's not my silly personality having an Andy Kaufman break dance. I lack sexual desire. I am intellectually interested in sex, pleasing my partner, and such and I do gain a mental pleasure from satisfying my partner, but the gears on my end are broken. I ejaculate when my member is stimulated physically, but there is no subsequent feeling attached to it. I am not truthfully turned on by any pornography even though I went and tried to find almost all of it (no kiddy porn or rape, my rage center doesn't need the exercise). I am confidant it is no joke or misinterpretation.

I am Lucifer_Carroll and I'm an asexual.

Later when the honesty kicks and I come down like Hunter S Thompson after a road trip, I'll look at the shriveled corpse of Ben Franklin next to me and scream "What did I do?" but for the moment I felt I owed you all and myself that level of honesty.

Uh...and now distracting porn.

 

[Recidiva]

So what's your stance on orgasms?

 

[impressive]

Um ... Is it okay if I still like you?

 

[rgraham666]

And I'm insane, Luc.

Doesn't stop me from writing fairly decent porn.

I still like you.

 

[Guest]

Luc -

We're just damn happy to see you around here for a change.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Pfffft.

I had a big black butch pick me up in a New Orleans night club one, a long lon gtime ago. She didn't play either and I probably came about fifty times. Loved the sex, but there wasn't any emotional attachement to her (her patios was so thick I could barely understand a word she said). So?

Not all orgasms are keyed to emotional release Luc. ASk any girl who owns a sybian. Sometime syou just need it for reasons unconnected to your emotions. Sometimes you give them, again, for reasons unconnected to your emotional involvement.

I say this, not to dispute you or belittle you, merely to point out that the emotional involvement is something that generally occurs well before sex is initiated. And you can't force it.

AS to porn not turning you on, have to say, I've known a few folks for whom it held zero fascination, but they weren't asexual, it just wasn't there thing.

I try to avoid labels, but I will say this, the ones we apply to ourself are the cruelest, least forgiving and most often least deserved of all we accumulate through a life time. You may take that for what it's worth.

*HUGS*

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

So what's your stance on orgasms?

Don't know. Haven't had one. Not a real one by any case. Beating off to completion acts as a mild tranq though. Good for curing insomnia.

Fully support other people having them though. And absolutely love giving them.

 

[Recidiva]

Don't know. Haven't had one. Not a real one by any case. Beating off to completion acts as a mild tranq though. Good for curing insomnia.

Fully support other people having them though. And absolutely love giving them.

Better than square.

You can have some of mine, wish I could wrap a few up for you.

 

[AppleBiter]

I'm happy for you that you've discovered who you are, sexually, and I still your porn.



Apple

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Pfffft.

I had a big black butch pick me up in a New Orleans night club one, a long lon gtime ago. She didn't play either and I probably came about fifty times. Loved the sex, but there wasn't any emotional attachement to her (her patios was so thick I could barely understand a word she said). So?

Not all orgasms are keyed to emotional release Luc. ASk any girl who owns a sybian. Sometime syou just need it for reasons unconnected to your emotions. Sometimes you give them, again, for reasons unconnected to your emotional involvement.

I say this, not to dispute you or belittle you, merely to point out that the emotional involvement is something that generally occurs well before sex is initiated. And you can't force it.

AS to porn not turning you on, have to say, I've known a few folks for whom it held zero fascination, but they weren't asexual, it just wasn't there thing.

I try to avoid labels, but I will say this, the ones we apply to ourself are the cruelest, least forgiving and most often least deserved of all we accumulate through a life time. You may take that for what it's worth.

*HUGS*

Perhaps you're right and I am certainly open to a change in myself. An awakening of a sexuality. Truthfully it is not just those. These are merely the tests. There is a distinct broken circuit as far as I can see. Where other people have sexual attraction or horniness, there's a broken cable sparking. Perhaps I'll just discover that I'm really low-libidoed sometime in the future and I'll dance a big snoopy dance and the rain will be delicious coffee. Until then, given all the evidence, given my lack of desire of sexuality, I can't honestly call myself sexual.

 

[Liar]

I am Lucifer_Carroll and I'm an asexual.

The important question here is...

...and?

Does it define you? Amuse you? Annoy you? Handicap you?

I'm bisexual, sociphobic, periodically intimacy impaired, a "sober" agress-a-holic, and a pretty decent Yahtzee player.

Does that define me? The hell it does. Ok, maybe the Yahtzee part.

 

[R. Richard]

Now that's all an aside really, but also a build-up. The line that struck me most in the movie and the book of V was the fact that integrity was the last scrap of a person. Take that and add it to a comic book series which violently defended the truth as the one true thing worth protecting and serving and you get me in an exceedingly truthful feeling mood.

Since you brought it up, I couldn't agree more. Integrity is the key to a person. Once you learn to fake integrity convincingly, you will be regarded as an important person.

JMNTHO.

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

That's another category of sexuality. The most important thing is for you to be honest with yourself and your partner about this. If sex truly doesn't interest you, then it doesn't. People are sometimes born different. That doesn't make us any less human. I doubt that you are the first genuine asexual to be born on this Earth, and I seriously doubt that you will be the last. Some people are just that way. So, you're different in some odd way. Who the hell isn't?

 

[3113]

I lack sexual desire. I am intellectually interested in sex, pleasing my partner, and such and I do gain a mental pleasure from satisfying my partner, but the gears on my end are broken. I ejaculate when my member is stimulated physically, but there is no subsequent feeling attached to it. I am not truthfully turned on by any pornography even though I went and tried to find almost all of it (no kiddy porn or rape, my rage center doesn't need the exercise). I am confidant it is no joke or misinterpretation.

I am Lucifer_Carroll and I'm an asexual.

It's always a brave thing to lay a part of yourself bare to anyone. Thank you for taking us into your confidence. Seriously. Honestly.

It does sound to me as if you might be suffering from depression. The symptoms you name are common to that. In addition, there are those of us who have a shell around us, one that makes it difficult for us to connect and empathize with others. Asperger's Disorder, common to us geeks, can make us look at images (or other forms of porn), not as if it's happening to people, or to us, but as if it's just art. Bodies, sexual organs, light and shadow...not a sexual act that we *feel*--which is how porn works. The viewer/reader feels it themselves and gets turned on. They empathize.

But not all of us connect what we see with ourselves. Then again, perhaps there's no disorder at all here. Some of us get old and jaded before our time, and to our eyes a naked body is a naked body. No matter how young and beautiful it is, no matter what it's doing, we shrug our shoulders because we've been there, done that...or at the very least, seen enough of it.

In such cases, all revelations must come from within. In the end, however, all that matter is whether or not you get any pleasure out of life. If you do, then it doesn't matter what or who you are, or how you choose to define yourself.

And given that you get great pleasure out of giving orgasms, it might well be that your sexuality is bound up in whomever you love. That you need something far more intimate than un-intimate porn to give you that pleasure. Most of us find that truth a bit too late...that the one we love is the sexist person on earth.

 

[Belegon]

I could care less how you want to define yourself as far as sexuality...I think you're a good writer, a good guy to have lunch with and a good friend.

It don't phase me buddy...just explains why I have a hard time getting you to respond the way I would to the girl that's flirting her arse off with you at Rubio's...

Hang around a bit buddy, I miss your wit...

 

[Guest]

im shocked, no, appalled!
with all your passion, i never woulda thunk it.

seriously, your gorgeous soul means more than the asexual dealio.
if this bothers you...you know im always there to listen. cant cure it. cant understand it. but i can listen.
(aside from that i have nothing of true merit to add... im just vella, afterall. )

 

[entitled]

Don't know. Haven't had one. Not a real one by any case. Beating off to completion acts as a mild tranq though. Good for curing insomnia.

Fully support other people having them though. And absolutely love giving them.

i'm so not reading an dcomprehending reight now, but you should get here. now. seriously.

 

[tolyk]

Don't know. Haven't had one. Not a real one by any case. Beating off to completion acts as a mild tranq though. Good for curing insomnia.

Fully support other people having them though. And absolutely love giving them.

Damn.. all it does is wake me up more.. Lucky bastard.


Glad to see you finally opening up a bit here Luke

 

[SeaCat]

Luc,

Honestly, is this a problem? Does it cause a problem for you?

There have been many people throughout history who were asexual in their drives.

The only time to be concerned is if and when it causes a problem for you and those whom you love. If you can deal with it and they can deal with it and all are happy then it's truthfully not a big deal.

Cat

 

[English Lady]

*hugs* LC -good to see you, love

 

[neonlyte]

Good for you Luc.

You found a beginning - not an end.

I hope, that like me, you have someone to hold your hand.

 

[minsue]

What they said.

Seriously, Luc, as long as it's not a problem for you, it shouldn't be a problem for anyone else. Long term romantic relationships are still possible, depending on the person you fall in love with, if that's what you want. All of my long term relationships before now were, as a necessity, asexual, but that doesn't mean they weren't loving and meaningful.

I'm just glad to see you here again.

 

[kbate]

I think, at times all of us are in this class, I do not find it particularly shocking.

 

[entitled]

OK, after actually sleeping, sobering and reading, i can say... been there. Still there most of the time.

i have had one relationship that sex was actually regular and REALLY enjoyable (mind blowing, passing out type orgasms and all) but the rest have been a sort of take it or leave it situation. You never know when something like that will change, though. Just keep trying, eh?