An attempt to write from a woman's perspective

[Healwsteel]

I was stunned when my wife became curious about my stories here. She said I should try and write one from her perspective. Wow. She said so long as it's purely fictional then she could seduce a younger man. He couldn't be a teenager, and he had to look like Daniel Day-Lewis did in Last of the Mohicans

I had no idea she had a thing for him. I figured Brad Pitt like so many women. You must understand she never talks about her desires. This site is a Godsend.

Here is my first chapter. The second was just posted as well.

https://www.literotica.com/s/passion-beyond-youth

 

[furiousdistribution]

This was incredibly hard to read. I got as far as

Sarah hated summer. Why someone would invent a fantastic place like schools to lock kids away, only to let them out to run around like wild animals in the blistering heat when the windows had to be open was beyond her.

When she married Charles years ago, he insisted that they could not raise a family in San Francisco and moved her to an estate just east of the city.. The plan was to eventually move his practice out there, but that never transpired. She had been one of the finest MMA instructors in San Francisco when they met. Now she was a suburban housewife with three kids and a pocketful of broken dreams.

Not long ago Charles approached her and said he had found the perfect home even further west and that it had a ready-made practice for him to simply "drop into". To this day she could still feel her stomach churn as a year later the police opened up what was supposed to be his office and she saw how low he could really go. The only thing in there was a desk and a phone which forwarded every call to his office in San Francisco. He had been making excuse after excuse about why he hadn't come home at nights, and occasionally flew in to keep his cover.

She had called him and told him that it was no longer necessary to bother with that anymore. His only response was a snort.

The doorbell ringing broke up the memory. Why did these suburbanites insist on making their door chimes some hair pulling cacophony that was supposed to sound like the real song? If she heard that sick, crackly version of "What's New Pussycat" one more time she was going to take one of Charles' old golf clubs and destroy the device

And I gotta tell you, that is not a great structure. So here's some advice you might not like.

Part of what makes it confusing is that it feels like things are described, but it's never made clear what those things actually are.

For instance, the first two sentences - what are you actually trying to communicate here? I get she hates summer. But oh, she doesn't really hate summer she hates ... schools? No, okay, she hates kids. No wait, she doesn't hate kids, she hates the noises the kids make. Oh she hates the suburbs. I mean, that is a LONG way to get to "Sarah hates the suburbs."

Imagine if you'd started with, "Sarah hated summer in the suburbs." I mean, that's almost the opposite end of the spectrum, but there's subtext and then there's cryptic. This is very very cryptically written.

The next few paragraphs, again, it's hard to figure out what you're trying to communicate until you get to the end and it's basically just that her husband was lying. About something work related? Honestly it's not clear what. And how could it be?

You literally only use the word "practice" to describe his job.

There are multiple professions that use the word "practice". So you literally never said what the guy did! He had a "practice" which was in San Francisco? And the police were in his office? What, why?

Also, who, anywhere has a door chime that plays music? I've literally never encountered this in my entire life hahaha.

Seriously though, I would try to focus on making sure that you actually write the things you're trying to communicate. Like this memory is a tiny story in and of itself right? She met a guy, she moved out to the suburbs for him, and then divorced him because he was lying. You gotta either tell it like a story, or sum it up more succinctly.

Imagine if all that text I quoted was instead,

Sarah hated summer in the suburbs. She only quit her MMA instructor job and moved to the suburbs because her ex-husband Charles insisted it would be good for their three kids. She divorced him as soon as she figured out he was lying to her about his entire life. Or maybe it was his love of novelty doorbells. She didn't know which was worse.

What did your paragraphs say that mine didn't? You talked about San Francisco - but she's not IN San Francisco. You talked about a practice, but didn't say what it was. The only concrete things I got that are currently relevant are that she used to be an MMA instructor, she has 3 kids, she divorced Charles, and she currently lives in suburbs she dislikes. And the weird thing about the doorbell.

If Charles is super important you'll want to put more I'm sure, but the thing is, it's probably better to hide that exposition somewhere other than a memory that's triggered by nothing apparent.

I'd recommend reading something you like not for the story, but for the structure. Find something you like and just read it like it's a text book. Take notes on how the author structures sentences, and how they describe things. When they use nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs.

The important thing is to strive for improvement. I'm working hard to improve my own writing! In the words of Red Green: I'm pullin for ya, cuz we're all in this together.

 

[Healwsteel]

Awesome that is exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for! TY

I see now I wasn't really telling a story, a was simply giving a play by play narrative of her thoughts.

By the way, we owned on of those stinking door chimes back in Boulder, Colorado. You could program one of 5 responses. The normal "ding dong", a run up the scales in church bells, or a lame version of "Jingle Bells". I have no idea where we got it or where it ended up. The Tom Jones idea came from the ringtone on my cellphone. Don't be a shamer now!

 

[Wifetheif]

I was stunned when my wife became curious about my stories here. She said I should try and write one from her perspective. Wow. She said so long as it's purely fictional then she could seduce a younger man. He couldn't be a teenager, and he had to look like Daniel Day-Lewis did in Last of the Mohicans

I had no idea she had a thing for him. I figured Brad Pitt like so many women. You must understand she never talks about her desires. This site is a Godsend.

Here is my first chapter. The second was just posted as well.

https://www.literotica.com/s/passion-beyond-youth

It really does not read well. If you want the perspective from your wife's P.O.V. which is what your stated goal was, it should be from HER perspective. Perhaps if she was in the house, either on her day off and working from home. She muses on mundane things as one does at work and then thinks about the fact that she's really horny as hubby is on a business trip or whatever. That's the time you drop in the Daniel Day-Lewis infatuation. She hears a knock at the door. She meets the bicycle riding salesman who is working his way through college. She notices that he's sweating and invites him in for a cool drink. As he's tipping black the glass, she notes that he fills his bike shorts really well ... one thing leads to another but ALL of it is from her perspective.